I've been chewing on some new information since yesterday because I just can't get a handle on my feelings about it. Thankfully this medium only presents you with the final draft, because this is probably going to take me 3 hours to type out.
Our current not-speaking arrangement started Thursday night, after H walked out of another discussion. This is not uncommon. He just decides he's done and leaves. I stopped him and told him how hurtful and inconsiderate that felt whenever he did that, and he came back and stood over me yelling and pointing his finger in my face. Obviously, that didn't help.
Our discussion was about his ADD diagnosis. I told him I knew I was no expert, but that people were telling me the someone can be diagnosed with ADD in one or two visits. I asked about his claim that they were "still considering it," after 4 months of visits. I pointed him to a number of things I had read online, testimonials by people that spoke of how devastating the problem can be in M, some from people that had ADD and could only see the damage after they were treated. H said that he could have written some of them himself. I don't even know what set him off, why he got up and left, angry. (crazy-making)
The next day, he emailed his counselor, stating that he believed he had it and asked what they needed to do to get a definitive diagnosis. He also contacted his GP and got off the Wellbutrin and onto Adderal, because we talked about it being for depression, not ADD. Then he started reading an ADD book that a counselor from 10 years ago gave him to read, advising him then that he should consider getting tested for ADD, but he never did. He never even read the book.
So between Friday night and Saturday, he read the whole book. He sent me an email with an apology, stating that the book fits him to a "T", that he regrets waiting this long to read it or check into it and apologized for the damage he caused our R. He also said that the counselor got back to him and pointed him to an online ADD test, that he should take that and then they would evaluate on his next visit. H took it and it indicated that he "likely" has ADD. H says he feels like he has hope, feels different, that perhaps it's the prescription.
So, I should be happy, right? I should have hope, too, right? But I don't.
See, he had this same exact reaction (minus the drugs) when he read the book on boundaries in M. It "fit him to a T," he was "so sorry," he knew what the problem was and was "going to address it." He had the same reaction when he read the book on narcissism, and the one on co-dependency. It's always the same.
It's heartbreaking, two-fold. First, I believe he genuinely sees the damage he has done, and he's sorry for it, so I feel bad for him. But then he "gets over it" and goes right back to his previous behaviors, and for me hope is shattered yet again.
The problem for me now is that I don't feel any hope this time. Nothing about this is translating to envisioning a happy future with him. I'm happy FOR him. I'm glad that he'll be able to address some of his behaviors, because they're detrimental to him whether he realizes it or not. I imagine he'll make a great H for his third W. I just don't see this as being the solution to OUR M. I don't think there is one. I feel a wall around my heart. It's the same gripping hold as when I stand near a tall ledge. It's not really fear, because I don't plan to jump, and I'm not afraid I will do so accidentally. It's just a solid heart-felt understanding that getting close to the edge (or to H) is a very bad idea, and I have absolutely no desire to do so. No more so than bungee jumping or sky-diving. No desire to do so whatsoever.
I had a very strange first reaction to his email. My first thought was, "Thank God! Now my job here is done and I'm free and can die in peace." I don't typically think in that sort of spiritual way, but it was almost like it was my assignment on this planet to help him, like Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life. And now that it's done, I'm free to go (more feeling like I'm crazy.) I didn't react at all like this is finally the solution to our M problems.
For our M, I'm afraid there is just too much damage done. I think I truly understand ILYBINILWY.
