Still confused...about everything.

[BRNR]

Hello 25 - I have seen you comment on other threads and have tried to follow your sitch, but man, there was a lot there, so I haven't read thouroughly.

Just to comment and touch on some of your points, which are for the most part accurately reflecting some of the things I feel or are on my mind...

Alone time- I absolutely enjoy the things you have mentioned, and more. Which is why I believe my PMA has improved to say the least. Sometimes I wonder if that is me being selfish, but that is a fleeting thought and goes away quickly...sleeping was something I didn't get much of and I find that I have slept a whole lot better, running errands are easier without children in tow, and just being able to sit and not be bothered is relaxing for me...(wether I am paying bills, trying to read, cleaning, or whatever I was always interrupted by someone or something).

GAL- I am having NO problems in doing this it seems...I have kept myself busy connecting with old and new people in my life and I have so many things that I want to do that are loosely planned for summer that I can't wait. And it does help take my mind off H, at first I would vent about my problems, but now, not so much. In fact, the girlfriends house that I went over to last night knows the sitch and we did not talk about it once.

MLC/WAS- this is exactly how I feel, it is both. I guess for me, I am thinking that in a WAS situation seems more finite in their decisions. I don't know, makes it more believable that they feel what they feel and are moving forward, and not just on the crazy train....

Detachment - I was working on this very fine and well until H decided that he didn't like not talking to me at all. Since then, (about a month ago) we talk/text/email about a lot...I am trying to work on this again which are my comments of moving forward, etc. To really truly feel that I will be alright no matter what happens....but every once in a while, something small (money, time with kids, OR, etc comes up in convo) takes me away from that. I am working on this though as I also feel it is necessary to help in having NO expectations.

Commitment- my opinion of why he is not committed one way or another is that it could be me, but I think it is "things" as well. The house, the kids, the stability we had in our lives financially, etc... He doesn't want to lose that. But I am not sure that I rank high on that list. But again this is just my opinion. I really don't know.

OW- well there is a lot to this, and I will tell you what I know. She was the first affair, ever. He says he is so ashamed as he never thought he would be that guy. In everything that was going on, he left me for OW, he fell in love with her and knew she was a better option than me and our children and life. From what I can gather, she didn't commit to him, and blew him off. His version is that she paid him a lot of attention and affection and then stopped doing it so he cut her loose. I don't know the hairy details, but I do find it funny...for lots of reasons.
1-he says that is what I did, lack of affection and attention. He is right to some degree, but for me life got in the way, kids responsibilities, and such...and I know, NO excuse, but it is what happened and I know that in my current/future relationships I will need to improve that...but for me, it was after many years of marriage...we were together for 15, he lost that with her in a few months...funny.
2-She was no prize....26, divorced, her own child....not sure what he was thinking.
3- She was truly only a freak in the sheets (his own admission) something I am not. Now don't get me wrong, we had sex, a lot of it, but I had a lot of self esteem issues, (especially with my possible breast cancer issues) and I think that held me back a lot in that aspect.
4-I believe she cut him loose, and not the other way around
5-I think they still are f$&@ buddies, but not sure
6-they no longer work together, she got a new job, but he says he doesn't know where. I know this is a lie...

I don't want to punish him, I don't want anything for him good or bad honestly. I know I shouldn't say that, but he is selfish right now, and only has his own needs on his forefront. I am mad because he made the decisions to end our marriage so fast without trying to work our problems out or even considering who would be hurt, but he has to live with those regrets, I don't feel the need to punish him, about anything really...I believe in Karma...

But 25, your insight and words are spot on I do believe. I feel and think a lot of those things and know I will be happy no matter what. Do I hope it is with H, absolutely or else why would I be here on these forums...but sometimes even the LBS needs to figure things out too...I don't have all the answers and am stumbling along trying to find them...and not answers about H so much, but answers on me, my behavior, my role in the end of the relationship, my happiness, my future. I realize that while he says differently, my whole life was devoted to him, and nothing was devoted to myself. I am trying to make me happy right now.

Well, going to enjoy the rest of my day...I didn't do a lot of the things I was going to do yesterday, so time to get to it....

Thanks 25- keep dissecting my post for me, it helps to hear other voices on my thoughts.