I thought I'd share with you some of the boundaries that we arrived at in our relationship to give my wife confidence that I wasn't communicating with the OW. I realize you might have to get there in baby steps.
1) Honest answers to HER questions about the affair, particularly the "hows" of communication.
2) The cease and desist letter from me reviewed ahead of time by her.
3) She met with OW to tell her civilly but firmly to stay away
4) Complete access to ALL my modes of communication. No pass codes. (she checked randomly, I HATED it, but I can't begin to tell you how much better I felt when I knew I had nothing to hide)
5) On going couples counselling.....its really hard to continue the deceit in that setting.
6) Then she did something remarkable. After a time, she said I can imagine hard it is to deal with your feelings toward the OW. If you really need to I give you my permission to send her a letter. I want to know about it before you do it and I want the right to read it before you send it. I cannot begin to tell you how powerful that was.
