The Waiting is the Hardest Part

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks VG, Tori, RH and all of you following along!

Yesterday morning when I told W about getting the green light for my TKD class, she didn't seem all too impressed about it, which was as I expected. As I detailed a few of the ideas I had for my pre-class presentation, she shot down one of them in a sarcastic manner. Even though I didn't care much for the delivery, it turned out she did have a good point! We discussed it a few minutes longer and her remaining comments were civil and helpful.

We then each did our own thing for several hours. Having this separate space seems key to our co-existance right now. Later in the afternoon, I told W my plans to go to the hardware store to pickup a part I needed for a plumbing repair, and said I also was planning to stop at the coffee shop. I asked her if she wanted to join me.

She offered a very non-excited, almost dejected "Yeah, why not." I resisted the urge to say "That's the spirit!"

While out, she started to open up a bit, telling me about her night out with GF last night. GF, the same age as my W, was divorced more than ten years ago after only one year in her first and only M. She recently dropped her steady BF of 3 years, but he is still pursuing her in an unattractive manner that both girls agree is not going to work. Interesting that my W can tell me all this.

She's also training for a running race in April, and planning a resort vacation with GF. Her and GF did a trip together last year, and both agreed W is in a much better place to enjoy herself this year.

Two of W's comments which help explain what's going on in her mind were:

I just have to keep moving, can't stop.

I need to stop existing and start living.

Nothing new to me, but an insight for others as to the way many of our spouses feel, I thought. There is a real searching for meaning and purpose, and a realization that time is running short to find it. Certainly all we can do is let them go.

She is in pain, but not nearly as much as she was this time last year.

While talking with me, her eye contact is split between looking off to the side, and occassionally looking into my eyes. I try to mirror her, and not spent too much time looking directly at her.

Flipping through the radio stations in the car, she got very excited when she found "I will wait for you". I know the words of songs are very important to her, and she is drawn to lyrics which describe how she feels. Lately, I've heard her play this song on her iPad several times a day, sometimes when first entering the room where I am. I'm going to take it as a sign she wants me to continue waiting. It can't hurt, right?

The only thing I can do right now is stay the course, and continue to not apply any pressure to her. She's still here, and comfortable enough not to leave. Yay, for roller coasters!