Need to let go

[labug]

GTO, I know this is so difficult. I can read the pain in every post. (( ))

You're constantly looking for signs that things are changing and that's to be expected early on. We want to turn the Titanic around.

But we can't.

I think it helps to stop fighting, and I know that sounds strange because after all, aren't we supposed to be "fighting" for our marriage. I don't think so.

What we're doing is changing parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we know are hurtful to others, that cause problems in all our Rs. That shouldn't involve fighting so much as an acceptance of who we are and who we want to be. You can only discover that in the quiet, still moments when we look deep within.

I think many of us lose that because we get so caught up in activities. Being busy has become a goal for many people. Often times those activities are an excuse to not be with ourselves, to not look at our Rs and we don't have time to work on ourselves because we have to be somewhere else.

Always.

Do you do that or are you comfortable just being? Do you take time to reflect and renew?

I see your 180s in your previous post and that's good but what are you doing for you?

I think looking at the big picture is also helpful. You didn't get into this predicament alone, your H played his part even if it seems he didn't. Men (or women) who stand on the sidelines and then aren't happy with the way things went are just as controlling as those of us who overtly control. That's just for perspective. You can only change you and it sounds like you're making strides. Do you feel that you're making progress with you, not your M but with you?

As you can see, I've been at this for close to 2 years but only on the boards for 18 months. The first 6 months or so before I came here, I was a mess and was sure it was all about me and what I did wrong. I didn't start to really makes changes until I accepted me as I am with all my flaws. I then was able to see what I needed to change to make myself who I wanted to be. Before that it was all about changing to get him to come back.

Those are the changes that don't last.

So relax into this, nothing worth happening happens quickly. You've heard it before, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Work on you, stop worrying so much about what your H will or won't do. I doubt that he even knows but the fact is, it doesn't matter.

The 2 of you are on separate paths right now. You have your goals, he has his and what those are is not your business, you have enough to do to stay on your path. Sometime in the future your baths might intersect or converge, you just don't know. All you can do is stay on the path today and not worry about what's ahead. Worrying about the future never changed anything. I used to think the more I worried about something, the more prepared I was for whatever.

Wrong.

It just robbed me of today. I still have to stop the obsessive worry sometimes.

Life is so much better without it.