Still confused...about everything.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi BR,

I've read most of your thread, but missed the part where your h released OW...dang, that one would be a fun thing to read...

Anyhow, I related to a lot of your situation from some years ago. The issues of

1) what to tell the kids, especially when you do not know the future --divorce? Reconciliation? Divorce AND remarriage to others??

and

2) there ARE signs of a h who may come back (more about why I think that, later)

and 3) you have a health issue looming,

and 4) you are not okay with this indefinite situation going on a lot longer.
YOUR emotions are shifting weekly if not daily.

So here we go...

Just journaling-first day really living life as if H has completely gone. It felt okay...like the start of a new life. I say it was okay, as this is not the life I want...single parent and being without my boys for days at a time are killing me.

There will come a time when you're able to see the upsides of alone time. At first it'll be small things you notice, like being able to watch chick flicks, not having a messy bathroom 5 minutes after cleaning it, or sleeping in...

Cultivate those small moments b/c really, what choice do you have?

Here are some random thoughts and replies to your journalling. Hope the
intersections help b/c sometimes highlighting our own words helps a lot, but sometimes it kills the flow...here goes...

I found that people who learn to be alone, and happy, are a lot more interesting. They usually have something to say, maybe b/c they read or think more when they have time on their own. But being alone at this point in your situation isn't good UNLESS you use the time to rest. Otherwise it's
alone time that makes one feel isolated and highlights what they miss.

You'll hear people say "GAL" a million times here...b/c it works.
People who GAL, "bring more to the table"

and something paradoxical happens too.

When an LBSer GAL, for real, it's not just about "I don't want to obsess about my WAS" time. That is a reason to GAL at first...to stop the endless questioning and obsessing and looping around the highway without taking an exit ramp...but if you keep at PMA and GAL...

It becomes more like

"I like connecting with other people meaningfully"

OR "I always wanted to learn how to cook Italian food/speak French/take a photograph class/join a writer's group/go skydiving..."

and that helps a PMA big time...people learn to be away from their spouse, AND to imagine life without their spouse... but still being happy...

AND THEN

the paradox comes into play. For it seems to me that those people are the ones who end up happiest...for sure.

And the paradox is, that when you realize truly deeply inside your heart, that you WILL be happy again, you will love/be loved again, you will laugh again, With or WITHOUT your WAS,

the WAS's often, start a turn around.

I'm not saying it'll be in time for you to want him back OR if you will at all, OR if you'll become a WAS sort of yourself...

but I have seen that many WASs second guess their choice to leave when
one or more of the following happen.

1) they have or allow a good memory of their old life to resurface...

2) they don't see so much anger/hurt in their LBS, so they're more relaxed around the LBSer...

3) something in their new life stinks or goes wrong...(including OP)

4) AND OR the LBS has had (or seems to) an Awakening...he/she is happy, interestING & interestED,

has new hobbies or interests or people in her life, radiates the belief that he/she will be just fine, thanks, with or without the WAS...

and that belief radiating is contagious. The kids feel it and are soothed..."if mom's not freaking out, then maybe OUR world isn't about to end"...and the WAS begins to wonder..."IF I'm not the problem, then how come LBSer is happy again? IF I'm so great, how come she learned to be happy without me? If she's not miserable and angry...where are my justifications for leaving her??

NOTICE-the only factor YOU have any direct control over, is the last one.



I also have to comment Snodderly on losing hope. I feel as though I have. And not because of time, but because of actions.

There has been a lot of good in my situation, which leads me to believe that H does not have MLC and is a typical WAS who was going through his own emotions of the separation, affair, and slight depression at the time that he left. He doesn't seem happy, but he is not sad either.

2 thoughts on this^^.

1) everything you've said to me, seems MLC as much as WAS; and

2) it does not matter which it is b/c your course of action is the same AND I have seen no evidence that MLCers come home more often than WASs. I regret the amount of time I spent on wondering if my h was in an MLC or simply culminating a pattern of selfishness I had not noticed, etc.

THe only pattern I have noted is that if it's not the first affair, but at least the 2nd A, the spouse is usually just a serial cheater. ( I don't think that applies in your sitch, unless I missed that too.)


He said in conversation the other day that he no longer feels depressed and that he feels in our relationship that we were missing something (and always talks about it in the past tense). He also said he feels " our relationship was like a rope, which has now been cut, and there is just no way of putting it back together". Strange analogy for me, but it is a coherent thought. I know someone said all MLC'ers say some of the same things, but he just seems too "normal" with all the other things to be in MLC...sometimes I think he is and other times not so much.

I know, take focus of H, but my point was to make that he seems rational in ending our relationship, which has "opened my eyes" to the reality the we are no longer together...which has in turn made me lose hope and has given me the mind set to move on and forward.
]]

You are assuming way too much about how HE feels and what it all means. So what if he seems calm and rational? He said he does not feel romantic feelings but last week?? he was flirting with you w/the texting...

Besides however, moving forward is not the same as shutting and locking the door. It's a good thing if you keep that in mind.

If you had a crystal ball and learned that even in 5 years, he'd be gone, what would you do? (Imagine the picture of your life with you being happy, doing whatever...)

One thing is, you'd want to move forward that much faster, right?

BUT If there is going to be a reconciliation, wouldn't it be MORE likely if you acted as if you'd be fine no matter what?

And, isn't that the ultimate truth/goal of yours?

See, to me the only 2 options you do NOT have is

one where you hang your hopes for happiess on his return or

two, where you eliminate the chance of reconciliation for whatever reason, including b/c you want to punish him.

IF you want to cut the cord and move forward without any hope of a recon b/c you truly believe it's the only way to protect your heart,

I'd accept that if and only if, I knew you had worked a lot longer on DETACHMENT. But you really have not had time with that goal in mind. Have you contacted a DB coach? I know you'll say they cost a lot, but they are cheaper than divorce and very specific in their advice. My DB coach was a GODSEND...without her, I'm sure we'd be divorced, b/c I would have filed.

Until you do that detachment work, I'll always think it's possible to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

And when I say "plan for the worst" THAT still includes YOU being happy. Both options do. So detach, move forward, but keep being upbeat and warm towards him b/c he's your kids dad,

it helps THEM and it keeps the road home, paved and smooth.

FWIW, I've had 2 family members (an aunt and a cousin) divorce and remarry their former spouses a few years later. So yes, it happens.



The one nagging thing that bothers me and has held me back is that when we talked a month ago about the divorce, he said he didn't want it, but he is not committed on working on us either...

not such a WAS then, eh? At a minimum, he's got some swinging emotions and confusion.

.this one statement/action is what "concerns" me at the moment. It is like he is trying to hold on, but hold on to what? And I don't think it is me.

what is it then, if not you? And what difference does it make IN TERMS of your behavior or course of action now?

In other news, I did go to the pool hall and played pool with my boys and H. It went very well, I had so much fun and was excited to see how much my kids could do. They are amazing kids. We had two tables (as opposed to the normal one he gets when he takes them) and we traded who was playing who very often. My H and I even went against each other several times. I had a lot of fun, and we played for quite a few hours...five hours.

This^^^ is a great positive. No pressure, just fun. Give him something to miss. Let the kids have good memories too, in case it does not work out. This was a win win.


So afterward, I just texted H to let him know that I had a good time, thanks for inviting me, and that he taught the boys so much and that they were getting really good. He texted back (on an hour delay because he said he was having phone issues), that he was Sorry he had not responded sooner and that the boys were getting good and that I was welcome and it was fun. I responded with a no problem, and to have a nice night. He replied you too.

ALL GOOD! ^^^ no expectations, just appreciation.

My DB coach gave me some tough advice to follow, but it worked well in our sitch.
She said to "Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does"...esp if he believed, right or wrong, that he didn't get enough positives in the marriage. Your challenge is to show him that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

Or he won't want back in. Nor would you, from the sounds of it. So I'd think you taking the first step (and the 2nd, and the next 100), would be a good model for him (and your sons, for that matter.)

At times I found this advice "Mother Teresa hard" to follow, but man it made a real difference. Also it diffused some things that might otherwise have gone right back into our scorekeeping war.



Afterward, I ended up going to my girlfriends house for dinner. Her and I also watched a couple of movies and hung out with her kids. It was fun.

What was nice about today over all was that I felt comfortable being me all day, I didn't have those overwhelming emotions that my life is in shambles, or the worries of what he was doing, or if anything I was doing was good or bad, and I just enjoyed myself. I didn't even get that negative mixed emotions feelings I usually get when (and after)I spend time with H. It was really stress free, drama free, anxiety free..

Well off to bed, another day down, the rest of my life to go....

YAY for a good day!

The awakenings begin one day. And then there is another day, and then another...

NO, not all in a row.

Our growth and our path is NOT linear, and neither is the MLCers or the WASs.

But there is movement in you. And that's a good thing.