Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Really good stuff AJ. Something T^2 said to me awhile back that has stuck in my mind constantly and what I said to H when he said i would never be able to forgive him is this:

"You can't determine for me what I can and can't forgive. I have been forgiving you all along this journey and I can't take that forgiveness back, because that forgiveness is for my sake." That convo was the first and only time he mentioned D since separation.

The story of Jonah has taught me something extremely valuable when it comes to forgiveness. All of us have sinned and none of us deserve forgiveness. It is a gift. I have no right to judge someone else's sins as greater than mine, or that I am somehow more worthy of forgiveness, because I have sinned differently. I want to be forgiven for my sins, shouldn't I then be willing to forgive? "Should not I spare Nineveh?" God forgives people who don't deserve forgiveness. We are all equally undeserving of mercy.

Having a spirit of forgiveness and compassion towards H has been keeping me strong. I think I would completely crumble if I wasn't trying my best to be understanding and trying not to focus on how I have been wronged. This experience has made me more compassionate not only towards him, but others. I don't know if I will ever have a relationship with H again, but I feel like I am being put through the fire, and I'm becoming a better person for it.