The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

Busting, I am right there with you. I feel the exact same way. I/we need to start doing some we stuff, we need to start taking care of us more. This is difficult stuff we are dealing with, it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed (it's how we act while we are hurt that counts). I try to act "as if" and for the most part I do fairly well, however I feel different and I'm sure the "I feel different" comes through. I'm not sure what the answer is. I guess we all move at our own pace and when we heal is when we heal. I hate hearing that, I want a time line. I want to know in 3 more months I'll be feeling better lol. Unfortunately that is not the case. How do we deal?? Well it's not alcohol or drugs or another girl/boy friend, it's just us. We have to be okay with us. How do we get there??? That's the part I am struggling with. I think that's the purpose of GAL. I have been married since I was 21 years old and am now 44, my life consisted of my wife and kids (sad I know), I have no single friends or anyone to just hang out with. A motorcycle is in my future and a motorcycle club as well and not the Hells Angels either lol.

Forgiveness is a process and one that I think is vital to our health and well being. I also believe it is something that takes a while and it takes work. Understanding their behavior and why they think the way they do is also vital to healing ourselves. To truly forgive I need to understand my W's pain, not necessarily agree with it, just understand it. They do hurt and struggle with their decisions. They do not want us to know it and perhaps that is part of the marital breakdown. Them/us not really opening up about fears and hurts that we have. Keeping them bottled inside until we explode and make a big mess of our lives. Pray, meditate, sing what ever it takes to release the feelings of hurt and betrayal. Don't expect it to happen overnight or in a week or in a month, just expect it to happen.

Realize also that you are not a bad person or spouse. I was/am a good husband. I was not a perfect husband or the husband my wife needed and that suxx. I'm sure you fall into the same category, so forgive yourself allow you to be you. Change what YOU think is in need of change.

Basically busting, live life. This is hard and it will get better and better. We are here for you and wish you the best.


Subguy, I don't know how I missed this post! I saw your hug (thank you) but for some reason didn't see this when it was posted.

I have to admit, I find it hard to believe that H is hurting or struggling. He seems so sure and confident of his decision and of what he is doing. He gives off the impression that he is in complete control and has made a very rational decision (I don't love you, my feelings have not changed and neither has my perception of the situation. I have moved on, you need to do that same).

He is unwavering.

When i feel like I am spinning or in weaker moments, I really wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. If maybe I am the one that is in crisis and that I am the one that is confused. That he is right. There is no way to save this family because he evan never ever love me and he has found someone else.

And then in moments of strength I think, 'be smart'. This is not an impossible situation. Like all of us I have done my homework and earned my degree in MLC and relationships in crisis. It is very probably my H is suffering through a crisis. And if thats the case I need to trust this process. And really, I have nothing to lose doing so.

Its just so hard isn't it?

I guess its this very difficulty and uncertainty that we are trying to stand up against.

My family is worth it and more importantly my kids are worth. I get scared though. I get scared that I will never be worth it again to him. Because really, our families are forever broken even with good co-parenting (although I doubt that can even be as he is rarely here and already not very involved with their lives). And unless he sees me as worth it, my family will never be put back together. I hate that.


I really am at a place of letting go though and dropping the rope. I woke up and it felt kind of weird actually. I was thinking of him, but I was happy with my resolve not to find an excuse to call him, and too just let what is meant to happen, happen. Its a bit scary, butterflies in the stomach. But I think I am ready.

((((((((((subguy)))))))