The View from the Blanket II

[littleGTO]

Hi, bustin,

After reading your posts tonight I realize what parallel situations we are in.

My H's mom died last summer and he was so emotionally connected to OW already that he shut me out. It was horrible to be alone w my grief and for him not to be willing to share this w me.

Now his dad is the hospital recovering from brain surgery and his sister is going to be starting chemotherapy for breast cancer. All of this he barely has talked to me about...I know he is sharing his pain w OW. So, deepens their connection.

I too need to let go. There isn't much I can do either.

I also like Starsky's post. I do feel like I'm spinning my wheels too w OW in the picture.

COming here to vent is very theraputic. I am right here beside you, b.

[bustingout]

Busting, I am right there with you. I feel the exact same way. I/we need to start doing some we stuff, we need to start taking care of us more. This is difficult stuff we are dealing with, it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed (it's how we act while we are hurt that counts). I try to act "as if" and for the most part I do fairly well, however I feel different and I'm sure the "I feel different" comes through. I'm not sure what the answer is. I guess we all move at our own pace and when we heal is when we heal. I hate hearing that, I want a time line. I want to know in 3 more months I'll be feeling better lol. Unfortunately that is not the case. How do we deal?? Well it's not alcohol or drugs or another girl/boy friend, it's just us. We have to be okay with us. How do we get there??? That's the part I am struggling with. I think that's the purpose of GAL. I have been married since I was 21 years old and am now 44, my life consisted of my wife and kids (sad I know), I have no single friends or anyone to just hang out with. A motorcycle is in my future and a motorcycle club as well and not the Hells Angels either lol.

Forgiveness is a process and one that I think is vital to our health and well being. I also believe it is something that takes a while and it takes work. Understanding their behavior and why they think the way they do is also vital to healing ourselves. To truly forgive I need to understand my W's pain, not necessarily agree with it, just understand it. They do hurt and struggle with their decisions. They do not want us to know it and perhaps that is part of the marital breakdown. Them/us not really opening up about fears and hurts that we have. Keeping them bottled inside until we explode and make a big mess of our lives. Pray, meditate, sing what ever it takes to release the feelings of hurt and betrayal. Don't expect it to happen overnight or in a week or in a month, just expect it to happen.

Realize also that you are not a bad person or spouse. I was/am a good husband. I was not a perfect husband or the husband my wife needed and that suxx. I'm sure you fall into the same category, so forgive yourself allow you to be you. Change what YOU think is in need of change.

Basically busting, live life. This is hard and it will get better and better. We are here for you and wish you the best.


Subguy, I don't know how I missed this post! I saw your hug (thank you) but for some reason didn't see this when it was posted.

I have to admit, I find it hard to believe that H is hurting or struggling. He seems so sure and confident of his decision and of what he is doing. He gives off the impression that he is in complete control and has made a very rational decision (I don't love you, my feelings have not changed and neither has my perception of the situation. I have moved on, you need to do that same).

He is unwavering.

When i feel like I am spinning or in weaker moments, I really wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. If maybe I am the one that is in crisis and that I am the one that is confused. That he is right. There is no way to save this family because he evan never ever love me and he has found someone else.

And then in moments of strength I think, 'be smart'. This is not an impossible situation. Like all of us I have done my homework and earned my degree in MLC and relationships in crisis. It is very probably my H is suffering through a crisis. And if thats the case I need to trust this process. And really, I have nothing to lose doing so.

Its just so hard isn't it?

I guess its this very difficulty and uncertainty that we are trying to stand up against.

My family is worth it and more importantly my kids are worth. I get scared though. I get scared that I will never be worth it again to him. Because really, our families are forever broken even with good co-parenting (although I doubt that can even be as he is rarely here and already not very involved with their lives). And unless he sees me as worth it, my family will never be put back together. I hate that.


I really am at a place of letting go though and dropping the rope. I woke up and it felt kind of weird actually. I was thinking of him, but I was happy with my resolve not to find an excuse to call him, and too just let what is meant to happen, happen. Its a bit scary, butterflies in the stomach. But I think I am ready.

((((((((((subguy)))))))

[bustingout]

GTO,

I am with you too. Thank you for your words of support. It means so much to me.

Have you read up on MLC? If you haven't, I suggest to look at the threads on that forum. They are very, very informative.

Thinking of you (((((((( )))))))))

[subguy]

When i feel like I am spinning or in weaker moments, I really wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. If maybe I am the one that is in crisis and that I am the one that is confused. That he is right. There is no way to save this family because he evan never ever love me and he has found someone else.

And then in moments of strength I think, 'be smart'. This is not an impossible situation. Like all of us I have done my homework and earned my degree in MLC and relationships in crisis. It is very probably my H is suffering through a crisis. And if thats the case I need to trust this process. And really, I have nothing to lose doing so.

Its just so hard isn't it?

There is comfort in the fact that other people have the same thoughts and have the same emotions as I do. The uncertainty is the toughest part. Never knowing if the last thing you said was "the final straw" and analyzing every little thing that was said and done, uugghh shut off my brain. I find it does get easier with time and turning my attention to other things every so often.

haha don't let him gaslight you busting, your not the one who flipped out and left. Sure you made mistakes in your marriage. Sure you could have been a better partner. Lets say you did all the things right that he complains about, how do you know you would not still be in the same position you are now? Lets say you move on and remarry and your new husband could care less about the things your husband now is complaining about. He may complain about completely different stuff lol. It's about communicating our wants, needs and desires in an effective way and about us listening to our spouses as they communicate their wants, needs and desires. Our interactions with each other, projecting love and kindness.

Take care of yourself, love yourself (this is hard I am currently struggling with it myself). When we start treating ourselves with kindness and love, then we can reach out and treat others with that new found strength, including our spouses.

[labug]

((busting))I know this is tough and you are spinning.

I get scared though. I get scared that I will never be worth it again to him.

Is that what you're really afraid of?

I think it's something else and those fears are holding you back.

Are you worth it to you, to your kids?

Because really, our families are forever broken even with good co-parenting (although I doubt that can even be as he is rarely here and already not very involved with their lives). And unless he sees me as worth it, my family will never be put back together. I hate that.

You're projecting, mind-reading, labeling, catastrophizing...

You don't know any of that and often times we get what we create in our minds.

You are fighting where you are. Let go of all that and just live today. Accept where you are today. We get so caught up in being the victim and miss the good stuff along the way. Don't let your H (or your mind)rob you of that. Enjoy your kids and your happy little family being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

You may have a good friend who has a happy marriage and all is beautiful in their lives with unicorns that shite rainbows. Tomorrow one of them could be diagnosed with cancer or hit by a bus. None of us know what the future holds, all we have is this minute, this hour, this day.

Let him go, and create busting's world!

[bustingout]

Hi Subguy,

It is comforting to know we are not alone in our feelings, thoughts and emotions. :-)

I definitely relate to how hard it is wondering if we have just delivered the 'final 'straw' with the latest encounter, text, email or conversation.

More and more I am seeing how detachment comes into play. And how we have to lead with our minds now. Love with our minds (someone else said that, but I think I get it now). I am making my choice. H will make his own. They may not be the same choices but I cannot force my choice on him and vice versa. I can however, decide how I deal with the consequences of his choices. What he does with my choices (if anything at all) is not my business.

I won't let him gaslight me subguy! Its hard not to think those thoughts sometimes though. I know you get me. This is really a path that we walk in faith and belief in something that we can't touch or see. And we are usually quite alone doing it. For now, I still will walk this path. But will try and use my mind more than my heart.

Take care of yourself too subguy. Its all we got. Thank you of your posts and very kind words.

[bustingout]

OK Bug, I have been thinking about your question for the past 5 hours :-)

What do I really fear? I fear not having H come back and having to actually do the whole D process. I fear being a single parent while I raise my kids and I fear being ALONE.

When I got married to H I thought I was lucky. Not just because I married the man that I was best friends with and loved, but because I really thought the pains of childhood would be erased. I felt like I was finally getting the family I yearned for so long. I felt validated and worthy. I felt safe. I felt loved. I was proud to be his wife and even prouder to be the mother of our children.

And now I have so much self esteem issues, some resurfacing and some new. I didn't see how hurt this man was. I didn't see it. I feel like I have failed him, his parents (especially his mother who passed when he was 14) and failed our kids to having a 'normal' family. I wanted the messy house with the kids running around, the sharing of the joys and lows of parenthood, the support and comfort of doing it together, of loving and believing in each other unconditionally.

But I know Bug, I know what you are saying. About letting go and living for now. I know its time to create my world now with my kids. I am starting to get it. It seems so much clearer now...and I feel able to really let it go. My kids keep me focused on the here and now. It suxx having to talk to them about their pain and hurt and having to say things like 'i don't know when daddy is coming back' and ' he does not live here because daddy is not happy'. I have contributed to the demise of this family.

I know I can fix me.

I have so much richness in my life that H cannot take away from me. I always thought it secondary to being his wife and a mother.

As I learn to appreciate myself and live for now, I will let go of the world I thought I was going to live in. So I guess that is what I really fear...

I need a Bug hotline...you are amazing the way you encourage me to think. Thank you Bug ((((((( ))))))))

[labug]

busting, I know this is hard. I still wrestle with the fear of being alone and of not being good enough. But that happens more when I'm not taking care of myself and wishing for things that aren't.

I also know the feeling of not having the family life that I had planned on. Sheesh after 32 years I thought I was home free...but I wasn't. And yes, it's different when the kids are older but I had always seen us welcoming DILs and grandchildren. (H loves little ones and I could just see him with a grandchild)

Now I have to let that go and enjoy the day because I don't know what the future holds and I think that's the really scary part, turning it over and enjoying the ride.

[JuneReN]

Couple of thing Busting...first a hug .

i think we all wrestle with the fear of not being good enough and no one wanting us, or our own self esteem-which certainly takes a beating. Some days are low and some days I have everything I need, because I have placed my H outside of the circle.

Sure, we all contribute to the demises of our Relationship, we can see the mistakes we made, for sure, but I always come back to what my IC said the first time I saw her. We will never interact the exact same way with another person the way we did with spouse. The things we say and the things we do will impact a new partner differently.

The really great thing is that we got to learn. We got to look at ourselves in a really harsh light and most of us gritted our teeth and looked at the ways we could be better; better for our WAS, but then better for us, better for our kids, better all round. And while I know we GAL and PMA and 180 for "us" ,we all do it at first in hopes that our S's will be back in our lives. When they are not, we are left with a better understanding of who we are. We have new friends, a newfound respect for who we are, and better relationships with everyone we love.

So now Busting is going to allow the fears and doubts to creep in, but she is going to confront them for what they are, simply ghosts that will haunt from time to time, but have no power to affect your life unless you let them. Same with H, he can only haunt your thoughts if you let him. Acknowledge these thoughts, vent here, and remember-this is your life now. No one else's

[littleGTO]

OMG, bustin,

"When i feel like I am spinning or in weaker moments, I really wonder if I have gotten it all wrong. If maybe I am the one that is in crisis and that I am the one that is confused. That he is right. There is no way to save this family because he evan never ever love me and he has found someone else."

This has gone through my mind many times recently!!! I'd even add that someone I seem to be the one who is lost and H seems to be very resolved on his journey away from the family.