Still confused...about everything.

[BRNR]

Just journaling-first day really living life as if H has completely gone. It felt okay...like the start of a new life. I say it was okay, as this is not the life I want...single parent and being without my boys for days at a time are killing me.

I also have to comment Snodderly on losing hope. I feel as though I have. And not because of time, but because of actions.

There has been a lot of good in my situation, which leads me to believe that H does not have MLC and is a typical WAS who was going through his own emotions of the separation, affair, and slight depression at the time that he left. He doesn't seem happy, but he is not sad either. He said in conversation the other day that he no longer feels depressed and that he feels in our relationship that we were missing something (and always talks about it in the past tense). He also said he feels " our relationship was like a rope, which has now been cut, and there is just no way of putting it back together". Strange analogy for me, but it is a coherent thought. I know someone said all MLC'ers say some of the same things, but he just seems too "normal" with all the other things to be in MLC...sometimes I think he is and other times not so much.

I know, take focus of H, but my point was to make that he seems rational in ending our relationship, which has "opened my eyes" to the reality the we are no longer together...which has in turn made me lose hope and has given me the mind set to move on and forward.

The one nagging thing that bothers me and has held me back is that when we talked a month ago about the divorce, he said he didn't want it, but he is not committed on working on us either....this one statement/action is what "concerns" me at the moment. It is like he is trying to hold on, but hold on to what? And I don't think it is me.

In other news, I did go to the pool hall and played pool with my boys and H. It went very well, I had so much fun and was excited to see how much my kids could do. They are amazing kids. We had two tables (as opposed to the normal one he gets when he takes them) and we traded who was playing who very often. My H and I even went against each other several times. I had a lot of fun, and we played for quite a few hours...five hours.

So afterward, I just texted H to let him know that I had a good time, thanks for inviting me, and that he taught the boys so much and that they were getting really good. He texted back (on an hour delay because he said he was having phone issues), that he was Sorry he had not responded sooner and that the boys were getting good and that I was welcome and it was fun. I responded with a no problem, and to have a nice night. He replied you too.

Afterward, I ended up going to my girlfriends house for dinner. Her and I also watched a couple of movies and hung out with her kids. It was fun.

What was nice about today over all was that I felt comfortable being me all day, I didn't have those overwhelming emotions that my life is in shambles, or the worries of what he was doing, or if anything I was doing was good or bad, and I just enjoyed myself. I didn't even get that negative mixed emotions feelings I usually get when (and after)I spend time with H. It was really stress free, drama free, anxiety free..

Well off to bed, another day down, the rest of my life to go....