Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Thanks MM, my cousin in law told me to call him at at anytime I needed to talk to someone who's been there. He also said things are probably going to get worse before they get better (I believe he caught his W with OM at one point), and when your sitting there with a pistol, call me. I assured him I would never do that to myself, but I understand the sentiment for the first time in my life.

Journaling: D10 had her indoor soccer game today and W showed up very late, very out of character. More surprising perhaps, she sat right next to me, about the closest she's gotten near me in 4 months voluntarily. I had a hard time believing it. It was so tempting to take her hand as I normally would have She said, I'm late because I had to shovel OUR driveway. You know how the snow plows come down OUR street and seem to dump the snow near OUR house... I know it probably doesn't mean a thing, but she has been calling our house HER house for months now, just found it odd and interesting.

We made idle chit chat during the game about the kids. I thanked her for watching D10 tonight while I take D15 to Rocky Horror, she said she is happy to spend the time with her and knows we will have fun too. I also thanked her for helping D15 register for classes next week. I said W was much more familiar with the online system than me. She said, and her classes too, kind of haughtily like I'm not capable. I just always saw it the division of our child rearing duties? I said she was a real good mom, and she said, yes, I am a good mom.

At halftime I asked how things going. She said pretty good...with a sad look. I asked about work, she said likes the lady she works with but her current job with the school system is only part time and ends in late April. She said she needs to start putting in apps for something else. She said, I don't want you to think I'm not carrying my own weight. For someone who said she doesn't care what I think anymore, she sure cares about what I think?

Not contributing to the family financially was something she talked and stressed about all last summer, though we were fine financially (much better than we bloody are now!) and I would stress she had time to be choosy. I think her dissatisfaction in not being able to find meaningful work was an important trigger for the EA and BD in the fall. She then went on to say she may need some financial support coming up, that she's finding it hard to make ends meet. I told her I had every confidence that she would find a solution the worked for her. I don't think she understood what I said. She looked a little relieved and said thank you for your support, I'm going to get a better job so I can support myself. I think she "heard" that I would be sending her more money, which I will not (honestly, there isn't much to spare). I send enough each paycheck to cover the house and car notes. When I moved out I left all the money in the joint checking account for her. She lived off that for the firsf month like the income she was used to was still there. She waited a month to get a job when she absolutely had to. I'm still kind of shocked by her short sightedness, she handled most of the finances over the last 23 years and did a great job.

My IC said she didn't want to feel "controlled" by you anymore, under your thumb as W put it, W sought for and encouraged the separation the MC suggested. My IC says let your W see and feel the what it's like to be divorced, to depend on only herself, let her stand or fall by her own actions. I want her to be confident and successful, I've always wanted that for her. I don't want her back until she's done. But it was nice for her to sit near me and not act like I might strangle her at any moment. Baby step? Maybe.
J.