Portia, I was very impressed by your posting to B on her thread.
I think you handled the call very well and he knows that you are there for him no matter what. You are showing unconditional love and friendship. Friendship is the first step towards something deeper. I know, it's like starting all over again w/these mlcers, but you know what? You are doing fabulous!
BTW, h ow is your parent doing today? I know you have so much on your plate and yet you come here and post and offer up excellent advice to others. Portia, you've come such a long way and have grown very wise in a short period of time. Keep up the good work!
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thank you. That is a great compliment indeed coming from an esteemed poster such as yourself.
And thank you for saying I am doing fabulous. The encouragement helps, especially when I get that feeling that I should have just punched him in the nose and left it at that!
Although strong and brave, my parent is failing. It is hard on the family and most visits are just being present. My heart is breaking in an entirely different way. But we had a wonderful connection and I will always hold onto that.
Hope your knee isn't giving you too much trouble. From what I hear, knees are the MLCers of the body! Take care of you.
Just wanted to journal for a moment, hopefully to knock the thoughts out of my head.
My parent is failing and I am trying very heard to not only keep things together but to ensure that my work and other responsibilities are taken care of before I need to take some time off.
My workplace has been incredibility supportive. But while I am not diminsihing how important to me that is, I cannot help but contrast it with the fact that xSO has not made any attempt at all to see if I am doing OK.
I know in my head not to have expectations of him. But my heart hurts a little to be sooo ignored at this time by him. To try to put it inot "friends" perspective, I do have "friends" which also have not really acknowledged what is happening and I try to put him in that category. But it is a hard thing to do.
The truth is, if this is the "new" him and he stays this insensitive, he is not what I want in a partner. When his father passed away, even from a distance until I could get there, I was with him every step of the way. I do not think he owes me, but then I wonder if I will ever look back at this period without feeling angry. No matter how much I try to concentrate and focus on other things, that abdandonment feeling is there.
Portia, I am so sorry that he's not been supportive, but mlcers aren't. They are only into themselves and offer up lip service all of the time. Actions speak louder than words and unfortunately, he's done absolutely nothing to indicate to you that he's there for you.
I know you don't want to end this relationship just yet, but it's very evident that he only contacts you for ego kibbles. This man is very selfish and self-absorbed right now. Yes, he pops in and out of your life to keep you hooked into him and his drama.
Portia, it's time, to really think about your situation and right now you need to be focusing on your parent and your work. You need to put him aside for a while until things settle down in your life. You can't continue to build him up every time he calls. Lip service isn't support my friend.
Hugs to you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sounds like you're slogging away. Its hard isn't it? I agree that much of the advice for dealing with MLCers sort of skims over the fact that the LBS has to "DB" or otherwise cope WHILE being in extreme pain. Either aspect, the DBing OR going through the agony of betrayal is more than enough to knock you flat. But putting the two together, at the same time - seems almost more than a human can cope with sometimes. Well, this human anyway.
And then for you add in the failing parent...
So very sorry Portia.
A thought on how XSO is (not) handling your parent's issues. Perhaps this is particular to only my H, but while H has never been too comfortable with those terminally ill, the last couple of years have really stepped up his low tolerance. I wonder if its because he can't stand the idea of his own mortality and so having anyone's mortality on display sends him running.
Did you ever see the movie "What About Bob?" Bob (Bill Murray) suffers from various mental issues, Dr Leo Marvin (Richard Dreyfus) is his therapist. At one point Dr. Marvin gives Bob a prescription for a "vacation from his problems".
Maybe you could prescribe yourself a "vacation" from XSO? This might allow you to focus more on yourself, and on your parent.
Whatever method gives you the strength to carry on and care for yourself. I pray for you. (((hugs)))
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Portia, I am so sorry to hear of your parents failing health issues. I will be thinking of you in my prayers.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I will not be making any decisions until I am in a better place to do so.
Snodderly's words hurt, not because they were unkind, but because they were true. xSO has done nothing to indicate that he is there for me. I am finding that from a few of my "old friends".
MizJ - I like your suggestion of a vaction time where I try not to think about the relationship (or whatever it is this thing would be called) for awhile. It really isn't that I am focussing on it now. Of course, I do on this Board but really, he is not my main focus. It is just his absence is so noticable right now - like losing an arm. You notice when it is not there! It changes the rest of your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia - I understand the hurt and confusion from you xSO not being there for you while your parent is gravely ill. Snodderlys recommendation to keep your expectation at zero is right on the money. Over the last year I have lost several significant people in my life. I expected after my grandmother passed that my W would at minimum reach out to my father and offer condolences. I was very disappointed. The alien that has ahold of our spouses is pure evil and will only cause more pain if you have some expectation that you sXO will offer some level of support. Please take care of yourself and my prayers are with you and your family.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Portia, I am so sorry that he's not been supportive, but mlcers aren't. They are only into themselves and offer up lip service all of the time. Actions speak louder than words and unfortunately, he's done absolutely nothing to indicate to you that he's there for you. This^^ is true. But you do not NEED to ponder it now...if you are not up for it. We all get that. Not all choices must be made by a certain date.
I know you don't want to end this relationship just yet, but it's very evident that he only contacts you for ego kibbles. This man is very selfish and self-absorbed right now. Yes, he pops in and out of your life to keep you hooked into him and his drama. I'm so sorry but, having read your thread, ^^This is also true... Portia, it's time, to really think about your situation and right now you need to be focusing on your parent and your work. You need to put him aside for a while until things settle down in your life. You can't continue to build him up every time he calls. Lip service isn't support my friend. THIS^^^ is mandatory now. You have a parent to care for and to show up for.
Maybe your XSO will man up & show up, maybe not. Time will reveal that.
LATER ON, when the dust settles, you can bet you'll see some things more clearly...and that clarity will help you assess better.
As much as I talk about & believe in forgiveness being our way out of hell, there are some actions/omissions that are, in the end, not forgivable.
Oh It's not that we hold onto the pain of their abandonment or ugly remarks...no it's not that. It's that we no longer see them in the same way or with the same value, and at some level, we know we never will.
THAT is a good time to move on, without looking back.
But you are not there yet, so get back to that parent who loved you all your life...
Hugs to you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Ditto this ^^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
