once he said "you can get used to anything" - this is him being very narcissistic, it's all about him! If he's still there with his thinking, that's not a good sign for any future. Mine said that too, now he says just live my life, nothing has changed except he's gone, big deal. - not him at all - no it's his way now!
can they really really be soooo deluded at this time that they believe they do get to have it all scott free THEY DON'T CARE!
i am not "getting used" to anyt5ing that's right, we never will, and we will walk, because they don't care!
i wake up and feel like life with you is way worse than without. I am totally there, life needs to move on and put this whole thing in the rear view mirror! There are not enough words to describe or express how nauseatingly sick this is.
i don't know if they're too stupid to see it- too self-absorbed ?? that they can only see the good intentions in themselves and totally block out the pain they cause They don't want to see the pain it causes, they block it and and so it doesn't exist. We are not the priority, they are at any cost.
no matter how i twist it or turn it- something is still tieing us- you too - at this point I don't feel any emotional tie, do not miss the L, nor him, financial will be my last hold, but I will let that go as well, I am that done, angry, and sick by all this cancer!
being alone alot in nj is stinking awful andlonely. it's better- i find activities and friends to see- IT'S STILL ALONE - AND ALONE is a big big adjustment. [b][/b] It is the hardest thing for us kinda girls, but you will reach a point when you are sick of him so much, that a lone, may not feel as lonely as you think, it may start to just feel free. I am getting past lonely, I am reaching the point of free and optimistic for a future!
Your post are fine...you can't put a limit on your feelings! Today I am out of wisdom so I pasted your thoughts with my snippets.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
It is the hardest thing for us kinda girls, but you will reach a point when you are sick of him so much, that a lone, may not feel as lonely as you think, it may start to just feel free. I am getting past lonely, I am reaching the point of free and optimistic for a future!
you might be rite- last nite i got back out of bed to go fetch something on other side of house from my workroom- his computer room rite across hall. he was typing away- and heard me- stopped and came to bed.
i noticed - thought probably "chatting" away with ow or someone "more important" in life than me- and continued watching tv. i didn't even really want to look at his face- i wondered at the time if i'm just sick of him . HE'S thinking he's swell guy and will ALWAYS have women lined up awaiting his favors AND i don't see anything of old h left in there .
you are rite, you know. i might even be dlinging to the lonely thing - as a means of just not letting go of my notion of my life. if that makes sense- the comfort and same-ness of it all (except him pretty much).
it didn't make me mad like it used to- i think now i am just co-existing with a cake-eater and all my good intentions and db may just be for and have been for - naught.
whatever "good personality" he's got goes elsewhere. and you're rite about lonely too- i'm lonely now anyway - while living with him. i suppose if he was spewing and having anger and temper continually in my direction- it would help push me away and over some irretrievable line faster. i don't know why he does not just go for it- and push me rite out of his life.
AS USUaL - i'm swearing to myself i'll just get back to nj after this visit and let go- get some sort of job- quit thinking about "it" (my old life) and just DO SOMETHING about the job and getting a mortgage loan thing for real.
i don't want to be egocentric here- but i'm thinking my problem is that i can still (barely) remember what it felt like to actually be a valued companion or loved & so on - i just don't like being the no-one in this mix.
when you say it's all about him you're soooo rite - i wonder if it's merely ego with me- this hating being neglible in this r- and of course ow, etc. this darn book says "it may take a long time and will seem alot longer" - BUT i am not sure what i have to "keep alive" for him here in me. i don't like thinking whatever love i had for so long is not able to withstand some giant "test" - if that's what this is. maybe i'm flunking out here because i find myself becoming soooooo unable to find the spark inside me for him.
I can remember what i felt that i received from him- i can't remember what i felt that inspired me to want it - that's about it - if it's old age & he's turning into his dad - even that? wtf do i feel for this silent crabby guy? i wonder ..
your posts are soooo weirdly reflecting what's going on here and with me- it helps my brain sort thru junk. never feel like you HAVE TO respond or be wise- i'm just "listening" to what you're saying-
hope your day is good today- you do sound truly done today - i'd say i'm truly .60% done - i feel like a quitter saying it because your sitch is waaay worse with your h being sick and so "final" speaking- makes me look to me like i can't even stand indifference and you endure sooooo much more...
oh well- objectivity lost here- but going to have an okay day and that is that. i am not letting this dope mess up one more day of my life (mentally & emotionally that is) fingers crossed -
Journaling Last night at 10pm I showed up at my h's work to give him the eight hour shift (he works alone) to work out in his head that he is not longer welcome to live in my home.
I told him the lies and deception, staying out yesterday drinking and getting high w/ea's friends, discussing my person mortgage information, tax credit info, and then crashing at ea's house for 7hrs is unexceptable behavior. He can not longer then come home and receive from us...while he returns with nothing but hurtfulness.
He hit every stage, anger, sarcasm, blame, reasoning, expectancy, defeat! He was calm almost over overreaching with niceties, but defeated. I got up, to his surprise, put on my coat, and drove away. My last words were caring, with a little light and hope shining through a very small crack in an open door.
It is 11am now (central time) and he did not come home from work at 7am, and I have not hear from him. He has not made arrangements for his clothes, and was already in need of a bath. The only food he had eaten yesterday was my two tupperware dishes I packed him for work, he was eating that when I got there.
He knows he can't make it, but now he knows he can't come here and fill our home with his spew, he has a choice to make, maybe he will fall further down from this, I think he just might.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
strong you- i hope you're doing okay with this all. - you sound good and positive and in a place you want to be. it being YOUR choice is such a good thing - hopefully you are feeling calm and this is not jangling your nerves. (too much)
im thinking about you and will continue sending up little (what?) prayers, words into the universe for your peace and calmness of heart. sounds like you did it just riht- even ending with kind words. i am no where near there - if i were to blow out of here today- i fear i wouldn't e very kind in my last wordds.
what control you have and have displayed... i'm in spired...
I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy holding myself back from call him right now and reaching out to offer some kind of middle ground. I won't, I think he needs to go through this, and humble himself.
He's been talking to ea all morning, he has yet to realize she is not the one he should be calling.
I have the worst migraine and tears just behind my eyes, that I refuse to draw out for him once again. I'm alone with the dog, so I'm going to put a movie on while making something to eat. I feel like I'm about to fall over, really, my head hurts too much!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Funny, that's exactly what I have been doing all day, searching my soul! I don't feel very amazing having told my H he shouldn't come home if he's going to keep making the choices he makes.
I guess it will take strength to bring myself to except the consequences of standing up to him, but right now I feel like I just want to cower in the bed.
Still hold those tears...it getting harder as it's approaching night and getting colder!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
good for you to set a boundary. Must have been (is) very hard. I know it would be hard for me. Its ok though - you do have the right to take care of yourself and your children.
Hang in there. We're here for you.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
just checking in- i'd be exactly the same - you're doing great. i admire your courage to take the stand and draw the line.
it is a strong move to follow your principles.
i babysat last nite too late and am not a very cheery person today- so i'll get lost and let you opff thathook.
i'm thinking aobutyou- and i'm here and i'm sending out those hopefully strong vibes your way - i know i sound wacky- but somehow i think it matters??? (but then i also hope there are fairies in the garden - maybe - really)
we can't disprove it - rite?? take care - hold on - xxoo((( )))
Hey, Dawn. I'm sorry you had to do that. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to do. I know your trying to be strong and don't want to cry for him anymore but I find the only way through our emotions, is to feel them. I think trying to suppress them, only makes matters worse in the long run. You tried, Dawn,.. You tried hard and for so long. I don't post very often on OPs threads because I get too emotional but I read yours often. I've seen you do all you could do. You have shown great strength and you can and will get through this, no matter what happens. It's up to your H now,.. All you can do is pray for God to help him through his journey and to his authentic path. You did what you needed to do. Look after yourself.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
hi- i keep thinking and thinking aobut you as i go about my day.
i was just thinking about you saying you had to stop yourself from calling and holding out some kind of hope for middle ground., or that your head was pounding and you were endeavoring not to cry- and you truly believe he needs to "get the message" here.
it's soo hard- i cannot imagine , hardly, since i don't have the guts to go doit myself. if it feels right to be strong - then yay for you and your convictions and strength to implement it.
BUT I'M THINKING here- and i'm thinking about you and who you are- and your soft-heartedness and so on - and things we both agree on - like almost everything. and i'm wondering to myself and now to yourself and thinking :
do not be too hard on you or your expectations to be for perfection in this giant step. you are trying what you think you need to- no body is going to judge (or shouldn't) if you don't do it perfectly (whatever that would be) - if you backslide- or do it a different way- or hold out hope because it is in your heart and nature to do it-
you can always re-do it til you get it rite- (OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT). I'M TRYING TO SAY here - be who you are- do it in your own way- failure or success- you will be the person who took the chance- took the stand- tried something new or different- either way- you will be person taking you8r lumps for it or feeling the glow of success. NO ONE has any right to tell you how to do it- it's your show. you pay the piper - so do it to your own tune...
me- i fiddle and backslide and wonder and sit on the fence- i drive everyone i know crazy most probably- tho they are too kind to say so. i figure tho- at the end of the day i'm the person who takes alllllll the responsibility and reaps allllll the fallout or benefit- not them.
soooo- you be you- do what you feel- dno't be too hard on self- blubber away if ya gotta - call if you have to- i don't think there is any right or wrong way to handle it all- this all- this mlc sh_t - it's awful and the only one you have to look in the mirror at the end of this journey and be satisfied with the actions of - is you. only you-
so be who you are- and don't worry if possible. "u r dawn" ta da ....
so, if that made sense to you then yay- i find myuself worrying allll the time about all the "rules" out there in mlc land - and strategy and mwd and in the end- i'm the one that will be dumped or find some kind of r with this guy- nobody else.
no body else will be there with me- or really really has their life at stake like you or me- soooo - be you and do whatchagotta.
hang in there- hope nite wasn't too awful- remember there usually will be tomorrow- and we can alwasy try again then, to do better, change something, WHATEVER -
