First, let me acknowledge that this post may be painful to some of you. I am sincerely sorry if it is. It is an honest experience and I could use some support.
A little quick background. I was in a sex starved marriage 18 years. I had an affair which was discovered by my wife. I immediately end the affair. Wife and I have been DB'ing for 6 months. I couldn't be more thankful for the progress we've made.
Last evening there was just the outside chance of running into the former OW at a community function. I was completely giddy. I was excited at the possibility and found myself fantasizing about what I would say to her, how I would smile and behave....blah, blah, blah. In essence all the feelings from when we were involved came flooding back. Fortunately she didn't show up. I was sad and disappointed, both because I didn't see her and because that all those feelings came back.
The one thing that has been missing from our DB experience and all the other counselling we've done is support for the cheater on how to deal with the loss of the "Other" relationship. Everything is structured as if to say "it was a horrible mistake, learn from it and throw it away".
Try to read not only Shirley Glass' book (which is great), but other materials re. infidelity. You developed some very strong feelings towards this OW, along with some real, physical chemical reactions that made it all even more powerful and even addictive. There will surely be not only a grieving process for the loss (emotionally), but a withdrawal phase from the physical symptoms.
Guilting yourself will not help you or your W in your reconciliation efforts. Both of you should get as much information and undestanding so you can together tackle the difficult task of overcoming this affair, leaving it behind and rebuilding a R based on trust.
Good luck!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I agree. Read up on your feelings and situation. It's called Love Addiction. OW was like a drug. Imagine your addicted to a drug. How will you connect the memories of OW to pain that you inflicted on your marriage instead of connecting it to feeling giddy?
Although it may be hurtful to some, your insight is helpful. This is why judy wachs (After the Affair) doesn't label the LBS a victim. We are both victims. We are both obsessed with a drug. Your drug is OW, LBS' drug is WAS' business!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
After I submitted this post I was suddenly horrified at putting it up. I'm sure the last thing anybody wants to hear is the perspective of the cheater.
But then I figured maybe it could help both me and someone else.
Thank you in particular for ideas around chemistry. I've been introduce to the concept, but I hadn't connected the withdrawal ideas.
I am really excited by how much our marriage relationship has improved in such a relatively short time. I am lucky all out of proportion to what I deserve. It comes down to the willingness of both of us to work on what we brought to the party.
Veroprado, you have a wonderful but challenging insight.....I DO want to hold only positive images of the OW and keep the negative as my own fault.
Yes it was a horrible mistake, and yes you should learn from it. You will though, not be able to throw it away, you have to carry this the rest of your life just like your wife carries the violating hurt you and OW created.
Your wife is scarred for the rest of her life. You don't have a right to throw that hurt away.
It was a mistake I, and yes it does work exactly the way the books are telling you.
Don't ever feel bad about posting. This place should always be a safe haven for anyone. Once you are more familiar with the site, you will see that there are people here with all kinds of life challenges and struggles.
Even though at times some posters can get defensive or flat out rude or hostile, I believe that everyone here has the best intentions to both find and provide support. I personally can learn a lot from you and appreciate your insights "from the other side."
Even if someone overreacts to your POVs, don't get discouraged and keep coming back. You are a human being like all of us here, who made some big mistakes, has realized that and wants to make things right and have a happy M. In your situation, you are luckier than most in that you do have a chance with your W. So don't waste it and do everything in your power to turn things around.
Lots of good advice here, but your situation is unique and this site doesn't specialize in healing from infidelity and that is why we are recommending for you to read and become as knowledgable as you can.
Q - are you guys in counseling? If you are or would consider it, I'd recommend that you go with someone who is not only pro-marriage, but who specializes in helping couples heal from infidelity. From everything I have read, it's a lot of hard work - doable, but very hard and it takes a long time.
Stay the course and hang in there!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thank you for your welcoming post. I have been lurking here for quite some time and I find it very helpful and supportive.
Yes, we have a DB coach and have done a variety of counselling over the past 6 months. All of it very positive.
As you can appreciate, those sessions would not be an appropriate place for me to work through my feeling surrounding the OW. I also feel ashamed and guilty so I carry those feelings quietly. But nevertheless the feelings are quite intense...I've used the same language you recognized about addiction for a very long time. I've heard heroin addicts say how much they loved the high...and the only reason they quit was the collateral damage.
we have a DB coach and have done a variety of counselling over the past 6 months. All of it very positive.
As you can appreciate, those sessions would not be an appropriate place for me to work through my feeling surrounding the OW. I also feel ashamed and guilty so I carry those feelings quietly. But nevertheless the feelings are quite intense...
maybe you should also do individual counselling to help you with that. you could do that either with your current counsellor or DB coach, or another counsellor.
Originally Posted By: l'infidele
I've used the same language you recognized about addiction for a very long time. I've heard heroin addicts say how much they loved the high...and the only reason they quit was the collateral damage.
I feel very much the same.
you might want to google "affair fog" and "PEAs". there are some very strong chemicals in your brain that are produced when a person is infatuated, and the effect is just like addiction.
Thanks again for your honesty. I can't imagine how torn you must feel - wanting to work on your M and make things right, knowing that the A was wrong yet still having feelings for OW and wanting to both understand and eliminate them. It must be very, very hard to carry that shame and guilt inside of you.
There are two things about your present situation that worry me.
1. I do worry that you keep all your feelings bottled in. Sooner or later everything will all come out and explode on you (and most likely your marriage as well). Things just won't go away on their own. I know that time can heal many issues, but I am not sure this is one of those.
To me, one of the challenges you face is that both you and your W need to heal from the infidelity. Your W will need to heal from her pain, rebuild the trust in you, rebuild her self-esteem and work very hard to deal with the triggers that will remind her of the affair and work on the issues in the M that opened the door for the infidelity to happen. (Note - I am NOT saying that it was her fault that you cheated, just that the M was in trouble when the affair happened.) You will be called to help her with all of this as well and I am sure your counselor and DB coach have talked about that with you both.
Yet on the other hand, you also have to deal with a lot of issues on your own - self-forgiveness, shame, guilt and deal with the issues in yourself and your M that led you to stray in the first place so it doesn't happen again. And you also need to deal with your current feelings for OW. Many people think that the only job of the cheating spouse is to help the betrayed spouse heal and I personally think that if that is the only expectation for repairing the M, then it will fail again.
As too trusting suggested, individual counseling seems like a must for you, so you can have a safe place to really express all your feelings. A counselor can help you not only vent, but to also de-mistify the fantasy and allure of the affair. While your feelings for OW are very, very real, the circumstances surrounding how they developed might not. How so? Affairs occur in a vacuum, a world of fantasy where neither person gets to confront reality, therefore everything feels so good and easy. Was that something you felt with OW?
Perhaps you still have feelings for OW because you didn't get to live reality with her after the honeymoon period. A counselor can help go through all of this with you.
For instance, My H has said to me that his R with OW is "just very easy" where ours is full of problem that he simply doesn't think we can resolve. A counselor would help him run through why he feels that way and realize that the comparison is not fair because his R with OW is basically just like two teenagers dating and doing fun things together. They don't live together so they don't deal with kids (both ours and OW's), bills, jobs, mortgages, financial struggles, routines, schedules, illnesses, extended families, etc.
A counselor can help you see things without the rose-tinted glasses and realize that your R with OW was perhaps based more on a fantasy that probably both you and OW created in your minds, than the reality you would both live together after the honeymoon period ended.
A counselor could probably also help you realize how all R go through a progression. Did you ever feel with OW like she was your soul mate? Like she understood you like nobody else did? That you couldn't see life w/o her or that everything felt just so much better, more intense or more authentic with her? Perhaps if you think back, when you fell in love with your W in the first place, you probably felt and said the same things about her.
These are some of the things a counselor who specializes in healing from affairs can help with. You can talk freely, go through what you are feeling, understand why and that may ease the way to let go of that fantasy R with OW.
2. My second concern is regarding transparency with your W. I completely understand how you would not want your W to know about how you still feel about OW because you probably don't want her to hurt even more. Yet, from what I have read and what I personally feel, complete honesty and disclosure is key to rebuild the R.
I know there are different views on this. Some couselors argue for complete disclosure, some don't. Some say you should be willing to be an open book with your spouse about anything she wants to know, but not offer if she doesn't want to know. Some say it's better to just focus on the future and not give too many details that will just conjure more triggers for the betrayed spouse.
Do you guys have a complete transparency / disclosure agreement? If so, then I think she should definitely know about your feelings for OW. As long as you re-assure her and she knows that you are have no contact with her and are not acting on your feelings for OW in any way, she should be ok with that. Do you think that would be the case with your W?
L - has your wife read about infidelity? Does she understand about the sense of loss and grieving process YOU have to go through (it sounds to me like this is the phase you are in right now?)
I ask because part her work to heal will be to respect this phase of YOUR process. She will need to learn to accept and be ok with the fact that you still have feelings for OW, that you are trying to address them (hopefully with a C) until you get over them. She will need to be ok with the fact that it will take time before OW is completely out of your mind. From what I have read, that is the hardest part for the betrayed spouse - hanging in there and respecting the cheating spouse's loss and healing process.
Has the counselor or DB coach addressed this with you both? Do you feel like you guys are getting closer and rebuilding your connection? What concerns do your W express re. OW (if any) at this time?
L - I hope I am not rambling too much and that you don't feel I am being too nosy. I think the more you share, the better you will feel, specially right now when you have so much just bottled inside. Perhaps here you can find suggestions in how to deal with some of those issues or at least some support. Plus, it will also be very helpful for many of us here to learn from your experience.
L - hang in there! I admire you wanting to do things right and doing the hard work to heal and save your marriage!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
