Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[AJM]

Couple of thoughts because I've heard the EXACT same messages from my ex:
"Didn't get to date as much as he/she wanted to" ?!?? Seriously? Did I put a gun to your friggin' head? Did I tell you to marry and live with and lie to somebody (me) for 20 years even though you "never loved" them? I think not

Step back and you'll see it's really just part of the lies. Sadly, the lies are really to themselves as they rewrite their memories trying to make themselves feel better. Remember, for a MLC'r, it really is all about feeling better about themselves. They tend to loathe themselves. Rightfully so, but still, it must s*ck. How does that play out? "I never dated other people. I want to date a bunch of other people. We got married too young. I like it when (a member of the opposite sex) says I'm attractive (in a guttural way). You should find somebody else (so I don't feel so bad about what I'm doing)." I've heard plenty more. Want to know how that ended? She may have slept around a few times and then married the OM a few months after the divorce was final. Didn't date enough other people? Hmm.. seems something is not quite right about that statement - ya think? I'm trying to illustrate the absurdity of this, while also showing it's common rhetoric for somebody who wants to follow the hedonistic route to self-fulfillment (that's a bit deep for this conversation so I won't elaborate right now).

Figure out the lies, and figure out you can't stop them from telling them even to themselves. Others hear it and laugh or groan in their heads because they know how trite and ridiculous and shallow it sounds. To the MLCr, it's life or death. To you, it's a twisting of the knife to your heart (for a while).

The MLCr has to figure it out for themselves. They may not. They might and never tell you. There are other options, but the point is letting them do it. On their own without your interference. You will get mad, angry, sad, etc as you go through this. There is no timeline. It's maddening. It's crazy. It's topsy-turvy. But it will continue on, until one of you end's it. Even then, the other may try to continue to bring the other into it, perpetuating the cycle.

Something to think about.

but it would be the ultimate betrayal of everything we stood for

What exactly did you think forgiveness is about, I wonder? And did you think forgiveness is only for those that ask for it? I can tell you mine specifically said she doesn't want to be forgiven (I didn't ask - she felt the pressure I'm guessing). Does that mean I shouldn't? Does that mean you should not, at some point forgive? Note, that's not the same as forgetting.

Let me suggest something about all of this. You will forgive your W at some point in your life, else you will have to carry that baggage for the rest of you life. I do NOT recommend the latter. I will tell you the former is incredibly against our nature as human beings and difficult because of that. But worth it.


Peace,
AJ