The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

NG, wow thank you so much for that (and starsky too!). I know I have read that before, but sometimes things I read in the early days didn't really sink in.

I really need to regroup. I mean, I am regrouping now (again the downs don't last as long as they used to), I was spinning for the past week. I don't know how much damage was done, but I suppose I can't worry about that. Its in the past and another lesson learned for me.

One thing I am doing (started today) is I didn't speak to H when he called the kids. Not out of anger, but just for me until I feel stronger again. There is nothing really to say anyway. To be honest, he didn't ask to speak to me either but at least in my head, I am there. It was my choice not to speak to him. I will continue to text if necessary about the kids (whether its a problem or an achievement they have that should be shared), although I am also thinking to back off on that even and just do like a weekly diary for him about them (unless its something urgent of course). I will continue to be myself regardless of his ways.

I think I will try that this week. More for me than for him. I realize that I still think about ways I can get in touch with him and even if its legitimately focused on the kids, I still look forward to have a reason to communicate with him.

I have been reading an old thread started by snodderly a decade ago called "My thoughts on why they run away" and it has been very calming to reread that this is really not about me anymore. Not to say that I haven't and won't own up to my issues, but that no matter how desperately I want to find a solution and 'fix this' I simply cannot right now.


So I am actively putting in my head that that this is it for him. He IS done and its really time for me to let go of the rope I have been holding on to in the hopes that the man buried inside this person today would trust me enough to come back and give us a chance.

Come what may, I need to be ready so I can can be there for my kids. I need to stop thinking of the hurt, the bewilderment and the pain I keep thinking about that will be embedded in this family.

I know I am going to be leaning on you all, as we all do with each other. And I am speaking to my coach Tuesday as well.

Come what may, its time to drop this rope.