i feel the same when i have interactions with my W, the pain wells up inside me and feels so overwhelming.. ((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))) i don't have to interact with her much at all which makes it easier.
i remember reading something starsky wrote awhile back that i reread the other day:
"In all of my years on DB, this may be the #1 question that bombed spouses ask. "If he/she complained I was too distant, how is going dim/dark going to help? Isn't it just more of the same?"
It's a fair question, but remember -- DBing is, by its nature, very counterintuitive. Let's face it, what DID come as "following our instincts" was -- for most of us -- what got us INTO this hot mess to begin with!
So that's point #1. Point #2 is that you must make a distinction between a walkaway spouse (no infidelity involved), and those that are in an active affair. When someone is caught up in the affair, many of the things that one might normally do to re-attract them are going to be INEFFECTIVE at best, DAMAGING TO YOUR DB EFFORTS at worst, and ENABLING THE CONTINUED INFIDELITY to be sure.
The dirty little secret is that there really isn't much of ANYTHING you can do while they are still with their OM/OW. They're going to be blocked to you emotionally, actually RESENT any positive changes, and you're just going to be more and more frustrated and resentful.
If you play your cards right . . . and if the wayward spouse chooses to end their affair and make a move back towards the marriage, THEN you will have plenty of opportunities to demonstrate your changes. Until then, you're only spinning your wheels and would be wise to focus on those positive changes that are FOR YOU -- those things that you know in your heart of hearts are things YOU need to work on, to be a better person and a better mate.
Starsky"
I copied the whole thing here but what struck me lately is his #2 about the fact that there is not much at all,if anything, that we can do while there is an OW. I think what he says about them blocking us emotionally and resenting us is so so true and focusing on us, that of course is the golden ticket. Hard to do, but so true.
(((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))) love you!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
