I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Morning! I just logged on this morning thinking I should give an update and I see that some have asked where I have been. Sorry that I have been a slacker on posting!

Life has gotten better, I must say. I still am dealing with H and OW in the back of my mind, but its true when everyone says it gets better. I still get sad, I still cry sometimes and yes, I still don't understand why H has chosen this path for us. We still have NC except for the VERY OCCASIONAL text about the baby. I am still pregnant but will be delivering on March 5th, if he doesn't come sooner! It could be any day, as I am dialated 3 cms and ready! 38 weeks already!

H has sent a few texts over the past couple weeks asking how I am feeling. I have answered with only one or 2 word answers. I really dont give him any time at all. I am still having a lot of problems with the way he interacts with my girls...still very inappropriate emails about his life and how depressed he is. The most recent was a conversation he had with my D14 when they were out to dinner. He told her that I as a horrible wife for our whole marriage and that I dont know how to treat men. He said that he hopes that she doesnt turn out anything like me when she gets older. This was hard for me to hear, as not only is this something that SHOULDNT be told to my D, but that he still things this. He hasnt changed at all in the 7 months that he has been gone.

It will be 1 year that he met OW in March. It still baffles me that they are still together...I really thought that it would wear out, but honestly, the initial high must be wearing off becuase he is reaching out more and more to my girls. He asks them to "hang out" almost every weekend and they decline. They do see him once a week at dinner. Its sad what has become of this man. I havent seen him in months, but can only believe from the emails and conversations he has with the girls that he is still dealing a lot with his depression and child hood issues. Told my D that he has tried to bring up his issues with his dad, since he is living part time there, and his father is unwilling to take any blame. He also has now catagorized his dad and I together. Says to my girls that we were both abusive. He is still justifying all his behaviors.

He will be coming to see the baby after he is born at the hospital. He has pitched a fit about not being able to name him, or be in there for the delivery, but I have chosen for myself that this is the best. I am willing to have him here at the house to see his son once he is born. I think he has accepted that for now. I am scared that monster mode may kick in again once the baby is born and Im trying to prepare myself for that , although is there ever a preparation for anything that H may do?

I am sure that our divorce will come at the end of the summer. H is still trying to get his own place (his dad is trying to buy something for him and he will pay the mortgage) but as of now, he is staying at OWs pretty frequently, as he told my kids. That didnt surprise me or upset me, as I know they are together. I would be lying if I said that I cannot wait for something to happen and they break up, but I just dont know if that will happen. I think they are both very broken individuals who are needing each other right now...maybe forever??? Like I mentioned before, I think the "high" is wearing off, but they are still together. H is still spewing bad things about me, and he is still lost. Looks to me like a never ending story at this point.

Because of all of this, I have kept my distance, dont engage with him at all and let myself try to heal a little. I am very excited to have my baby and get settled in a new routine. I know its going to be hard and I do believe that some old emotions could resurface when reality hits that Im holding a baby of "ours" and he is with OW. Its another piece of the puzzle that I will have to put together for myself.

At this point, I cannot imagine being with H. He is so different, that I cannot imagine living with him or having a relationship with him. I know it was best now that he left because had he stayed, my girls and I would have been miserable. I really dont have high hopes of him ever coming back. He really seems to hate me and be done with me. He still isnt happy , but continues to run...trying harder and harder to get to happiness. He will never find it if he doesnt look within. He will continue to blame his parents and now me for all his unhappiness.

Of course, this is a short version of the past couple months...there has been a lot of stuff in between, but for the most part, my girls and I are doing very well. I know there will be things in the future (house and divorce) that will be very hard to handle, but for now, Im anticipating my son and how much joy he will bring me. I also continue to find much happiness in my girls, my family and my friends who still stand beside me so firmly! They are my saving grace and there will never be enough words to thank them for all they have done for me and my girls.

Please pray for me that I will have an easy delivery! Baby was already 8 lbs 2 weeks ago...so he is gonna be a big guy! That is why Im being induced on the 5th! I will keep the board posted after delivery! I also pray for calmness and peace with H as we have to face each other for the first time in a long time. This will be very hard for me, I must admit, to be face to face with him and know how awful he thinks I am and how OW is now the apple of his eye...especially when Im looking so fabulous in the hospital after having a baby..NOT. Going to be awkward!