I hope you don't think I don't empathize with your pain, because I do. For two years I have felt exactly the same way you do now. How can he treat me like that? How could he be so cold and sleep for 8 of the 13 hrs. while I was in labor with HIS son? How could he not even say hi to me when he comes or calls? How could he just ignore me while going out of his way to please OW? How can he tell his family to not invite me while he forces them to invite OW?
How can he not see that we are not setting a good example for our kids by treating me like I am invisible????
The thing is, Busting that all of this thinking only made me more and more ANGRY. None of it made him change the way he treats me. The more angry I got, the more it showed, even if I could swear to you here that I was acting "as if" in front of him. The resentment seeped through all my interactions and just perpetuated the cycle of our indifferent and bad relationship.
I tried to talk to him about co-parenting, I tried to convince him that I wanted to be friends, I tried to reach out, I tried to stay away, I tried EVERYTHING I could think of and nothing changed his attitude towards me. Why? Because right now, he is simply not thinking about me. He is just thinking about his life and his interests and I am not one of them.
I get it now. It's NOT ABOUT ME (OR YOU). So my anger is gone. Is that detachment? I think so, because things have been looking up A LOT lately. I just don't worry about what he thinks of me, if he says hi, if he smiles, if he doesn't. I treat him with kindness now because that is who I want to be, not because of what he says or does or because I want something back. Is that acceptance of what is? I think so.
And you know what? He is SOMETIMES nice to me now. I am now thinking that perhaps all my mind-reading about his intentions towards me and how he wanted to hurt me, etc., may have been unfounded. He just doesn't see me as more than an acquaintance he wants to be civil to and I had failed to accept that.
Yet it has taken me over 2 years to get here and these were painful times all around. I see now how I let my hurt and lack of detachment from him affect ME and make me even more angry and stuck about my situation and lack of "progress" in it.
What I am trying to say is that you can wonder and decry how bad and not cool his behavior is, but like bug says, you can't change that and the more you spin your wheels, the more resentful YOU will become. Don't fall into that trap. HE IS NOT WORTH IT AT THIS TIME AND YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
I am so sorry to hear you in such pain. I feel it and I wish my words can help you or at least give you some solace that this too will pass.
I love you, sweet friend. ((((Busting))))
KG, I get you. I do get you. And your words to offer me solace to the pain. thank you xxx I don't want to be angry, sad or hurt by him anymore. I do not want to be resentful.
I want to be able to treat him with kindness, yet when he is so cold how do i get a chance to do that? Today when he called (to speak to the kids...I told him they were not home..which was true...) it was 42 seconds on the phone. It was all 'ok, take care...bye!'. and my feeble response was 'ok, bye;.
You know? I just want to live my life.I want the M to work but I don't think it will. So I just want to live my life without my H if that is what is meant to be. I don't know what is meant to be because I want my H back, yet he makes no signs of R. So we go back to our teachings... Act as if, GAL and 180's
Busting, I am right there with you. I feel the exact same way. I/we need to start doing some we stuff, we need to start taking care of us more. This is difficult stuff we are dealing with, it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed (it's how we act while we are hurt that counts). I try to act "as if" and for the most part I do fairly well, however I feel different and I'm sure the "I feel different" comes through. I'm not sure what the answer is. I guess we all move at our own pace and when we heal is when we heal. I hate hearing that, I want a time line. I want to know in 3 more months I'll be feeling better lol. Unfortunately that is not the case. How do we deal?? Well it's not alcohol or drugs or another girl/boy friend, it's just us. We have to be okay with us. How do we get there??? That's the part I am struggling with. I think that's the purpose of GAL. I have been married since I was 21 years old and am now 44, my life consisted of my wife and kids (sad I know), I have no single friends or anyone to just hang out with. A motorcycle is in my future and a motorcycle club as well and not the Hells Angels either lol.
Forgiveness is a process and one that I think is vital to our health and well being. I also believe it is something that takes a while and it takes work. Understanding their behavior and why they think the way they do is also vital to healing ourselves. To truly forgive I need to understand my W's pain, not necessarily agree with it, just understand it. They do hurt and struggle with their decisions. They do not want us to know it and perhaps that is part of the marital breakdown. Them/us not really opening up about fears and hurts that we have. Keeping them bottled inside until we explode and make a big mess of our lives. Pray, meditate, sing what ever it takes to release the feelings of hurt and betrayal. Don't expect it to happen overnight or in a week or in a month, just expect it to happen.
Realize also that you are not a bad person or spouse. I was/am a good husband. I was not a perfect husband or the husband my wife needed and that suxx. I'm sure you fall into the same category, so forgive yourself allow you to be you. Change what YOU think is in need of change.
Basically busting, live life. This is hard and it will get better and better. We are here for you and wish you the best.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
