TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I hope you don't think I don't empathize with your pain, because I do. For two years I have felt exactly the same way you do now. How can he treat me like that? How could he be so cold and sleep for 8 of the 13 hrs. while I was in labor with HIS son? How could he not even say hi to me when he comes or calls? How could he just ignore me while going out of his way to please OW? How can he tell his family to not invite me while he forces them to invite OW?
How can he not see that we are not setting a good example for our kids by treating me like I am invisible????
The thing is, Busting that all of this thinking only made me more and more ANGRY. None of it made him change the way he treats me. The more angry I got, the more it showed, even if I could swear to you here that I was acting "as if" in front of him. The resentment seeped through all my interactions and just perpetuated the cycle of our indifferent and bad relationship.
I tried to talk to him about co-parenting, I tried to convince him that I wanted to be friends, I tried to reach out, I tried to stay away, I tried EVERYTHING I could think of and nothing changed his attitude towards me. Why? Because right now, he is simply not thinking about me. He is just thinking about his life and his interests and I am not one of them.
I get it now. It's NOT ABOUT ME (OR YOU). So my anger is gone. Is that detachment? I think so, because things have been looking up A LOT lately. I just don't worry about what he thinks of me, if he says hi, if he smiles, if he doesn't. I treat him with kindness now because that is who I want to be, not because of what he says or does or because I want something back. Is that acceptance of what is? I think so.
And you know what? He is SOMETIMES nice to me now. I am now thinking that perhaps all my mind-reading about his intentions towards me and how he wanted to hurt me, etc., may have been unfounded. He just doesn't see me as more than an acquaintance he wants to be civil to and I had failed to accept that.
Yet it has taken me over 2 years to get here and these were painful times all around. I see now how I let my hurt and lack of detachment from him affect ME and make me even more angry and stuck about my situation and lack of "progress" in it.
What I am trying to say is that you can wonder and decry how bad and not cool his behavior is, but like bug says, you can't change that and the more you spin your wheels, the more resentful YOU will become. Don't fall into that trap. HE IS NOT WORTH IT AT THIS TIME AND YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
I am so sorry to hear you in such pain. I feel it and I wish my words can help you or at least give you some solace that this too will pass.
I love you, sweet friend. ((((Busting))))
KG, I get you. I do get you. And your words to offer me solace to the pain. thank you xxx I don't want to be angry, sad or hurt by him anymore. I do not want to be resentful.
I want to be able to treat him with kindness, yet when he is so cold how do i get a chance to do that? Today when he called (to speak to the kids...I told him they were not home..which was true...) it was 42 seconds on the phone. It was all 'ok, take care...bye!'. and my feeble response was 'ok, bye;.
You know? I just want to live my life.I want the M to work but I don't think it will. So I just want to live my life without my H if that is what is meant to be. I don't know what is meant to be because I want my H back, yet he makes no signs of R. So we go back to our teachings... Act as if, GAL and 180's
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am so sorry. I know exactly what you are saying. I don't think any of my calls with H have been longer than :30 either in who knows how long...
Sometimes when the kids are with him and I call to say goodnite, he answers and passes the phone directly to our D - a 5 year-old girl, instead of saying "Hi, KG. How are you? You want to talk to the girls? Here they are. Have a good night." I used to feel like I was so insignificant to him, that I was not even worth 5-seconds of his time to say that and I would be devastated. How to stop feeling that way?
I don't know... I don't know how you detach from that. All I can say is that I slowly got used to it, then I was less hurt by it every time until one day not too long ago, I realized that the interaction had not changed, but it didn't bother me anymore.
It's not like I did anything differently - in my case, it was just time that helped me detach perhaps and I suspect that you might be in the same boat.
I am sorry, busting! I hope that day when it doesn't affect you comes very, very soon. It's been long enough for you too and I hate to see you hurting.
((((busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
((((((( ))))))) I understand about just getting used to it. And I think, is that good enough? To just get used to bad treatment? I guess I understand about getting used to it so we detach. Then its not bad treatment anymore. Its just the way it is and it doesn't affect us.
Time can help us I agree. And that even if the interaction doesnt change, we can adjust to it.
They won't give us a chance to be the new people we have become. Thats how much they have been hurt. And the hurt we have is second to that for now. I wish we could have that second chance.
I wish it for our children, I wish it for ourselves, I wish it for our marriages and I wish it for our H's.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, just dropping by to say hang in there. I have to go back and read your sitch again...I've popped in and out but I don't feel like I have a firm grip on what's up.
That said, a couple of things came to mind reading the last few pages. First, you are still mind reading. You really can't know what H is thinking, so stop even trying. And second...
Originally Posted By: bustingout
To just get used to bad treatment?
You can't control H...only you. You have to be who you want to be regardless of H's actions. Is that detachment? I don't know...but I do know that accepting it, being who you want and not letting others' actions control yours, is a path to happiness.
I know it sounds a lot like mind reading... I am doing a lot of that I agree.
I do know however and this is now a repeated pattern, whenever he leaves and is with OW he doesn't call and is very cold with me. We have gotten to the point that he is calling the kids daily so that is good.
I understand the need to detach. I get so bothered though with his treatment. It's not because I don't understand what is going on and the dynamics at play... It's him being outright rude and dismissive.
And since I can't control his behavior I am thinking to send him this so that I protect myself: what do you think?
" dear h,
The daily phone calls to the kids have been really positive. I'm glad we could agree to it.
I'd like it if you call in the house phone from now on. Also, if you have any questions about the kids or something you can text me. I'd rather not use email.
I too will use text in case something needs to be shared about the kids and will not use email.
I think this may allow for even smoother communication for us all. "
I mean would a message like that put boundaries around me ( i obviously need them since this has been bothering me so much) yet still bring me closer to my goal of saving the M?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I want him to stop treating me like I am an annoyance in his life that he can't wait to get rid of. I want to show Jo that I am Not pursuing him so he doesn't have to treat me with such disdain.
Wow- I already know what is so wrong with what I just wrote. I need to vent it I guess. I just want to stop hurting I suppose. Maybe regain a sense of control. I know that email would do no good. Why am I all over the place with this? I was good a week ago.
It's never ending sometimes.
Bug you ask me the right questions and I can straighten out my head. Thank you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Oh man, do I get wanting to wrestle some control out of the sitch. I've only been here but a short time, but man you can be going along great and BAM! You get to feeling bad and my go to is always "control it!"
This board is so full of great people with great insight to reel to back in.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
