The screened door is one with a built in windows and a lock w/key, it's locked tight. He get off at 6am and we will see. I guess I'm done! I didn't cry, I didn't waver and I wasn't mean!
wow - i hope it all went okay- i'm thinknig about you and it's like 7-ish herein my time zone and i'm wondering how it all went with you. this is huge1-ish. Even if this does not turn out to be the big "it" - becaue he is fiting you over it and doesn't seem to have any intention of letting you go easily - or him leving easily- it's a huge emotion line you've crossed -don't you feel??? to BE ABLE to say it- mean it- and not feel sorry or sad or anything but purpose in facing the aftermath. good luck and well, strength with whtever comes - more of same or bunch of different- who can know?
i'd think it means something BIG that you drove away and didn't feel sick or like crying. i guess you have surely reached some major point in your detachment or progression toward a life without him. even my stupid little noticing last nite that my gut was not shaking with rage seemed like something big to me - to notice the small steps forward - i think they're forweard anyway...-
Quote:
He finished off by saying what does he do that's so bad it's worth losing all of the above, I said you fill my home with lies, cunningness, disloyalty, and today you spent the day at ea's house never coming home from works his morning. You no longer get to humiliate me, or treat me with such disregard.
i worry abut the finances alot. never having been totally secure and all "this is mine"in life - - since i haven't worked in quite awhile- but i know a bunch of women who have gone back to work- found something for a job- and DO IT every day. i use them to fortify myself. if these gals can do it- i can too. my sister cindy is really kind of "out there" sometiems - but she's got a job, supports hereself and kids - and just does it- somehow scrapes by. my friend also on next street over- is now divorced from h after at least last three or 4 years of knowing her- and her awful awful depression & journey getting out- has a job, does it- is scraping by- it's doable. i know this- no matter what my fears over poorness.
i keep expecting h any minute H will announce he's going to see ow - rite in my face (with me being here in this stupid stae) - i even wonder if she comes down here to town and h e sees her when saying he's at tennis. it flits thru my mind- i shove it away- do not want to expend the emotion =- i do not know how you manage to deal with it in your face so much- so hard on your heart - soo cruel - i'd probbly be gone. that will be the thing probbly that pushes me over that line and out the door - reason aside - finances aside - just some blinding flash in the brain and my gut hits "override" one day- creepy to "await"...
i sure get the "treated with disrespect and disregard and being humiliated" - this must be what it felt like being a slave and having someone "own" you. eeeeuuuhhhhhwww. and i leave myself here - and i endure it - what makes me dislike him most is that he has become a person that cannot even SEE what that makes ME feel - and doesn't care.
a person with not a shred of empathy . his entertainment overrides allllll his emotions. it's a icky thing to say about anyone- wonder what that does to one's soul- or if you just get up to pearly gates - say , "well, yeah, st. peter - i sort of did get off down a bad road there- and yeah, i may have destroyed the heart of a perfectly good mate that loved me totally- BUT HEY, i'm sorry about that now, so, like could you order me a margurita and a lounge chair at that big pool over there?" and just tra la off to catch some rays?
i don't even know why i think about what "aftermath" will be for him- i guess it's the wondering (always) if this all will ever register in his brain for what it is - will he ever achieve total clarity or be deluded forever. probbly the latter- why in the world would i care - huh? my "illness"here.
IT'S ALL SOOOOOO 'UNTIDY" IN LIFE- this mlc & explosion of emotion and clean up-
oh well- onward and upward. i'll look in laer to see if you have posted about how it all went when h came home.
hope your heart is okay- and you slept okay- hang on
