It is the hardest thing for us kinda girls, but you will reach a point when you are sick of him so much, that a lone, may not feel as lonely as you think, it may start to just feel free. I am getting past lonely, I am reaching the point of free and optimistic for a future!
you might be rite- last nite i got back out of bed to go fetch something on other side of house from my workroom- his computer room rite across hall. he was typing away- and heard me- stopped and came to bed.
i noticed - thought probably "chatting" away with ow or someone "more important" in life than me- and continued watching tv. i didn't even really want to look at his face- i wondered at the time if i'm just sick of him . HE'S thinking he's swell guy and will ALWAYS have women lined up awaiting his favors AND i don't see anything of old h left in there .
you are rite, you know. i might even be dlinging to the lonely thing - as a means of just not letting go of my notion of my life. if that makes sense- the comfort and same-ness of it all (except him pretty much).
it didn't make me mad like it used to- i think now i am just co-existing with a cake-eater and all my good intentions and db may just be for and have been for - naught.
whatever "good personality" he's got goes elsewhere. and you're rite about lonely too- i'm lonely now anyway - while living with him. i suppose if he was spewing and having anger and temper continually in my direction- it would help push me away and over some irretrievable line faster. i don't know why he does not just go for it- and push me rite out of his life.
AS USUaL - i'm swearing to myself i'll just get back to nj after this visit and let go- get some sort of job- quit thinking about "it" (my old life) and just DO SOMETHING about the job and getting a mortgage loan thing for real.
i don't want to be egocentric here- but i'm thinking my problem is that i can still (barely) remember what it felt like to actually be a valued companion or loved & so on - i just don't like being the no-one in this mix.
when you say it's all about him you're soooo rite - i wonder if it's merely ego with me- this hating being neglible in this r- and of course ow, etc. this darn book says "it may take a long time and will seem alot longer" - BUT i am not sure what i have to "keep alive" for him here in me. i don't like thinking whatever love i had for so long is not able to withstand some giant "test" - if that's what this is. maybe i'm flunking out here because i find myself becoming soooooo unable to find the spark inside me for him.
I can remember what i felt that i received from him- i can't remember what i felt that inspired me to want it - that's about it - if it's old age & he's turning into his dad - even that? wtf do i feel for this silent crabby guy? i wonder ..
your posts are soooo weirdly reflecting what's going on here and with me- it helps my brain sort thru junk. never feel like you HAVE TO respond or be wise- i'm just "listening" to what you're saying-
hope your day is good today- you do sound truly done today - i'd say i'm truly .60% done - i feel like a quitter saying it because your sitch is waaay worse with your h being sick and so "final" speaking- makes me look to me like i can't even stand indifference and you endure sooooo much more...
oh well- objectivity lost here- but going to have an okay day and that is that. i am not letting this dope mess up one more day of my life (mentally & emotionally that is) fingers crossed -
