Gonna be different now, (butterfly in hurricane).

[25yearsmlc]

Holly,

Sorry for the length. First, have you read the DB or DR books LATELY?
Do you get the main themes....??

I don't enjoy reducing & oversimplifying so much...but I had to ask.

HollyAnn,

I have a hard time believing you have read Bruce's whole thread.

I have a hard time believing you have read what others have said to him, including people who've been here & posted here, AND to him, for a very long time.

But please stop & think BEFORE encouraging behaviors that keep Bruce stuck in victimhood.

I don't know if you are here intending to stir things up,

or if you are confusing his sitch with another,

OR if you are projecting your feelings about your situation, onto Bruce.

But I recall some of your history. Your ex h had trouble with his ex w and their daughter, when you married/got together.

You felt your stepdaughter caused problems/conflicts in the marriage AND OR her mother made her do so...and that you were blamed for those problems.

Now your x h has expressed interest in a relationship with you. You're taking it slow, correct?

See, to me that's NOT a situation that applies.

Yet I feel as if SOMETHING is causing you come here and

hurl out bold baseless assertions, assertioins ,

such as "ANY" mother who interferes with her ex h seeing their child is "DESPICABLE"...

I mean, can you really not imagine ANY scenario in which it might be a good idea to transition a TWO year old's care, over time,
so he gets to know the man who was a virtual stranger to him most of his life?

"She's 'DESPICABLE" for wanting it to be gradual? She's despicable to want S for evenings/weekends and over night b/c Bruce has never shown her he can do this. He ONLY RECENTLY asked for it. Only after we implored him to do so.

You were way off with the "Golden Uterus" syndrome accusation you tossed out there.

Though you are not a mother yet, your ex h's xw IS, and in your thread it's clear that you feel she gave you a hard HARD time in your marriage to her ex h.

I know you suffered for it, and I'm sorry about that.
But the situations are NOT alike at all to me.

I think somehow the pain you see in Bruce reminded you of your pain, and your xh's pain when his xw caused problems, and that struck a nerve in you.

But Holly, I think you are not doing him any good and I don't know what part of DBing says that calling a WAS a name, without full contextl does much good. It's what we come here to avoid, outside friends who get angry at our spouses or want our pain to end.

I think your comments help Bruce backslide and keep him stuck. Just Think about it... AND ASK...

What does Bashing his wife, do FOR Bruce?

Lately, it sounds as if It keeps him so angry he can't see straight or control his words around her.

So, How does it help his situation at all?

AND WORST OF ALL...

IT deflects from HIS OWN PERSONAL WORK, which everyone else here believes he needs to do...

you are literally the only person who believes Bruce's wife is "despicable" & who sees him as a victim.

No one defended her changing her mind about the pick up times (assuming Bruce's commentary was accurate, which is not easy to assume, b/c he deliberately mislead us with regard to the spousal support...more than once). No one HERE defended her refusal to sit down and chat...but then I wonder. Bruce SAID they had done so before he asked for time with son...

That changed after her pressured her AND after he sought more time with his son. TO HIM that looks retaliatory. TO ME, that looks protective.

Holly, I worry about why you've expressed no concern re BRUCE'S lack of involvement w/his son when he had the chance.

I worry you don't think his overt neglect was a reason for his wife to be hurt.

What about his disinterest in his son's medical conditions? That lasted until LEGAL matters made it imperative for him to express SOME interest.

He did that, in writing...which is what I would have suggested, as a lawyer.

I know you are not a mother but use your imagination here...you were a stepmom, you grew to love your SD, right? I mean at least for some years?

So, As a mother, it would mean a lot to me and , at which time he THEN wrote to her a few questons)?

And, sadly, what about the way he mocked attempts at childcare on HIS end (just this week!) Didn't the "Bah bah bah...monkey faces" bother you, at all?

Can you at least understand how a mother would feel about that, from the co-parent?

Finally, how he treated (or rather, did NOT) his son in the face of his wife's requests for help (another reason the "Golden Uterus" analogy utterly fails) makes me wonder if you are sort of just rooting for him based on him reminding you or someone...OR his x w reminds you of someone...???

I sure hear zero empathy for HER experience with Bruce before she left him... Despite his claims, she DID communicate with him. You said you were blind sided by your h's departure so maybe that hit a chord for you. I get that.

But since then, I'd like to think you've done some more realistic analysis of your situation in the past. My guess is that you, more than most, know the myth of the "Blended families" is just that, a myth. It's not the Brady Bunch...and it's HARD as heck to do well

...but man, ^^ that's not applicable in this family situation.

So I have to ask you, Who does his wife remind you of, in your situation?

And what good does it do Bruce, to sweepingly tell him his wife is "despicable", --a woman whom he sometimes still professes to love and with whom he ssometimes says he wants a reconciliation with??

Giving an under dog some positive feedback can make sense. At times I think, "IF Bruce is real, then maybe he's unable to face his demons b/c he's afraid that deep down that is all there is", which I know is not true.

I can see that If you think someone is getting too many 2 x4s or isn't "getting anything good" you'd want to balance it out a bit w/positive feedback and applause for something positive he does...

But tearing HIS WIFE down, does not achieve that. Plus, it just strikes me as very odd. You word it so strongly, in absolutes. "SHE IS WRONG"...

I used to want to hear that about my h. But when 3 mc's in a row told my h he was being "selfish" or "thinking like a single man", even though I felt vindicated, I also felt powerless...

b/c after all, what is there to DO, if he is so wrong??

Only when I turned the lens onto myself, did I change or grow or improve.

Bashing my h did NOT help and after a YEAR or so of venting, intermittently, I made it clear to folks here that my goal was MY improvement,and my children's lives getting better, including GAL and a PMA.

Your words about his wife are, imo, grossly unfair. But more importantly, they don't help him. HE calls words like that a 'balm" but if bashing his wife is what makes him feel better, then we've identified another important issue for him to work on

or at least another dimension to his rage. Please think out what effect words like that to someone who is on the ledge and MIGHT get real, if he wakes up.

You give him the straw to cling to that makes him value being RIGHT more than being happy...

FTR No, I don't think he's right.

But I also would not care if he were, at this point,

b/c BRUCE'S goals in coming here, were/are to

1) save himself as a man, &

2) to foster a r with his son, (we all advised him to get legal assistance for shared custody and we all gave him advice about improving as a father b/c he's in a Beginner's mind, which DB advises when appropriate,

and

3) to try and save his marriage.

SHE IS NOT HERE trying to do that.

Since She is solely focussed on what is best for their child (in her opinion)

a child Bruce ignored while present and then did not see for months and while he SAYS she "stole his child" that is the NEW version of their story.

When you read ALL of his first posts, you'll find that he knew she was going and HE STAYED BEHIND to finish work related items and sell the house...he gave consent to her removing little Bruce from France.

later, she told BB NOT to join them in Canada b/c of fundamental differences in family life and child rearing and finances.

This was all included in the ONE part of the ONE letter Bruce shared with us...a letter outlining their previous discussions. She did not sound confused to us. She did not sound furious. She sounded sad, hurt, frustrated but also resolute.


So her behavior is actually not relevant to what WE are doing here...b/c she is not presently interested in saving the marriage.

We are here to help Bruce with the goals above^^^.

Negative comments about her, are not helpful either. I happen to think his pursuit comes off as manipulation, to HER. That is why SHE avoids direct contact w/him at pick up times. She does not refuse son's contact, she refuses Bruce's...

BRUCE admitted that he would use those times to charm her.