Confused by WAS

[Grizz]

I have definitely thought about her side. I know I have had a big part in this. I also know that she never would have wanted for this to happen. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for my kids. That is what makes acting "as if" so hard. I would make a terrible actor. But I know this is what I need to do.

We actually had a long talk 2 weeks ago which I did not post about. I admitted/acknowledged my part in our sitch. If you have followed my entire sitch, I mentioned earlier that I had a health scare about 4 years ago and I became very depressed over it. Looking back, I never fully came out of it. This was the first time I had ever mentioned that to her. She saw it all along and agreed with what I said. I am not sure what this accomplished, if anything, but it happened. I know that it took a toll on her. She was worried about me but I shut her out. I just did not want to talk about it.

Detaching has to be easier when W is not around. But I should consider myself lucky that she is still here. I find myself not wanting to be around her recently. I feel bad for feeling like this. It's just that when i am around her I am sad. I guess this is all part of detaching. Don't let her actions affect my actions.

VG, thanks so much for your input and support. It really does help to talk about it.