Thanks for all of the replys everyone. AS, no problem going off topic. That is relevant to my sitch too.
This may be a terrible question but has anyone had thoughts about maybe not wanting to save their M? That hurts me to type that. However, I have been asking myself that recently. Maybe it is because I am so down over the entire sitch. I don't know. Admittedly I am having problems with being resentful toward my W. I am a happy person (was a happy person) and I AM NOT HAPPY! This entire sitch has changed me into someone that I do not want to be. I truly hope that this thought of possibly not wanting to save my M is just a passing feeling. We are definitely doomed if neither one of us are working to save it.
An older couple who had been married over 50 years was asked how they stayed married so long. Their response was that they never fell out of love at the same time. Kind of hits home huh?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
This may be a terrible question but has anyone had thoughts about maybe not wanting to save their M? That hurts me to type that. However, I have been asking myself that recently. Maybe it is because I am so down over the entire sitch. I don't know. Admittedly I am having problems with being resentful toward my W. I am a happy person (was a happy person) and I AM NOT HAPPY! This entire sitch has changed me into someone that I do not want to be. I truly hope that this thought of possibly not wanting to save my M is just a passing feeling. We are definitely doomed if neither one of us are working to save it.
Grizz, I have these feelings to. And how can you not given everything going on. You wouldn't be human if you did not. For me the feelings don't last too long. But I do consider my plan B at times. What would that look like. For me, I really need to do that for my sanity. And you know what, if plan B happens life wouldn't be all bad. Of course I'm still primarily focused on plan A.
I also have feelings of resentment at times but that passes. I don't want to be a victim in this whole mess and I realize I had a 50/50 part in it. I am a glass half full person so have felt that I'll have a happy and fulfilling life regardless of the outcome.
Regarding your statement "This entire sitch has changed me into someone that I do not want to be" what to you mean? Do you feel you've become more negative or jaded or cynical or something like that. If you stick with GAL activities and learning from the experience you'll become a better person and that is good. Remember what so many people say on this board - PMA. Got to have PMA no matter what happens and no expectations of reconcilation. You have to have PMA for yourself.
I think it's ok to have negative feelings and let them roll thru you, but not consume you.
Grateful, yes. Jaded, cynical, negative.....all of the above. I really do need to work on PMA. I am actually very good at this when I am not around W. At work, I am much more like myself but when I get home and see my W, negative feelings start to creep in. I know this is not helping me, with myself or with my W. Just got to keeping working.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Grateful, yes. Jaded, cynical, negative.....all of the above. I really do need to work on PMA. I am actually very good at this when I am not around W. At work, I am much more like myself but when I get home and see my W, negative feelings start to creep in. I know this is not helping me, with myself or with my W. Just got to keeping working.
Do you think your W senses you having these negative feelings? If I strongly had those feelings in the presence of my W she would sense it. Are you able to "Act as if" in the presence of your wife and exude confidence and PMA?
I think she can definitely tell. One of my problems is that I can be passive aggressive. This is why I badly need to work on "as if" and PMA. This is very hard for me. I feel so down when I am around her.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I think she can definitely tell. One of my problems is that I can be passive aggressive. This is why I badly need to work on "as if" and PMA. This is very hard for me. I feel so down when I am around her.
Grizz, big difference for you and me of course is my W is out of house so makes detaching easier. I know this is hard but if you want to make things work with W you've got to show her your best self in her presence. Even if it takes some acting. It can be a positive that she is in the house and you can show her the best of Grizz.
I feel a lot of compassion for my W and know that she had feelings of turmoil far before BD. So I know it is not easy for her. Sounds like this is true for your W as well. Compassion for your W can make it easier for you when you are in her presence. This compassion doesn't mean I don't have feelings of frustrations with W and our sitch. I do. But I don't let my wife see that. Usually
Also, do you try to see things from her perspective? Understand things she's said that might give some insight as to where she's coming from?
I have definitely thought about her side. I know I have had a big part in this. I also know that she never would have wanted for this to happen. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for my kids. That is what makes acting "as if" so hard. I would make a terrible actor. But I know this is what I need to do.
We actually had a long talk 2 weeks ago which I did not post about. I admitted/acknowledged my part in our sitch. If you have followed my entire sitch, I mentioned earlier that I had a health scare about 4 years ago and I became very depressed over it. Looking back, I never fully came out of it. This was the first time I had ever mentioned that to her. She saw it all along and agreed with what I said. I am not sure what this accomplished, if anything, but it happened. I know that it took a toll on her. She was worried about me but I shut her out. I just did not want to talk about it.
Detaching has to be easier when W is not around. But I should consider myself lucky that she is still here. I find myself not wanting to be around her recently. I feel bad for feeling like this. It's just that when i am around her I am sad. I guess this is all part of detaching. Don't let her actions affect my actions.
VG, thanks so much for your input and support. It really does help to talk about it.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Grizz, I hear you about about not wanting to be around W. I've had the same experience, and it's not really what I expected. Here I'd be doing 180's and trying to detach and be my best self around her etc., then I'd find myself actually being happier when she wasn't there. Just a huge sense of relief when she wasn't around. Maybe it's a reflection of the resentment or just that it's tiring to always be "on" around her and doing 180's and whatnot. Ultimately, I think this isn't a bad thing because it makes detaching easier, and it's a reminder that maybe things won't be so bad if/when we split.
I definitely still hold some resentment. I think that is a big reason that I don't want to be around much. Also the fact that I still love her and can't stand being around her and not being able to touch her.
On a different topic, I have read so many threads about being friends with the WAS. Is this truly possible? At this point in my sitch I cannot see being "friends" with my W if we were to D. Maybe those feelings would change with time but right now, this is not how friends are made.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I definitely still hold some resentment. I think that is a big reason that I don't want to be around much. Also the fact that I still love her and can't stand being around her and not being able to touch her.
I felt, exactly the same way prior to our Separation. Actually, the resentment has never really gone away. What does help me with dealing with it is to REALLY consider what W is going through. Your W is really struggling with her decisions! She is feeling so torn, so confused, so scared. She is not herself, in the same degree that you are not yourself. If you really focus on this, it will allow you to be more empathetic of your W. She is hurting. She is struggling with her thoughts. This isn't easy for her. Don't be resentful of her for this. Be understanding.....I know, easier said than done. It helps me. Maybe this perspective will help you too, Grizz.
Originally Posted By: Grizz
On a different topic, I have read so many threads about being friends with the WAS. Is this truly possible? At this point in my sitch I cannot see being "friends" with my W if we were to D. Maybe those feelings would change with time but right now, this is not how friends are made.
I am in this transition right now. My Phone coach suggested it months ago, and I am still struggling with getting the ball rolling. I have a really hard time envisioning it, much in the same way I am sure you do. How can I be friends with this woman, who is tearing apart my whole world, ruining EVERYTHING, making all of these horrible decisions, hurting me so deeply? Well, You can look at it two ways.
1) you will HAVE TO BE friends for any real relationship to be possible. If you want to reconcile, you can't do it with your arch nemesis, plain and simple. You and your spouse cannot be Husband and Wife if you aren't friends as well. Also, in the very long haul, if ultimately you are to D, being friendly is going to make your co-parenting much better. It will be soooo much better for your children if their parents can be friendly towards each other. I don't care how you look at this, it will help whatever your situation becomes. Furthermore, it would likely help you in the case of going through a divorce. "friends" are not going to goudge each other as much as enemies would. Friends are not going to fight for custody as a battle tool. They are not going to try to nickle and dime every last cent possible I am not saying this won't happen, but it is less likely if two people are actually friendly towards each other during the process. It is pretty basic logic, but it pretty obvious as well. Brace yourself for option (2)
2) So, you cannot be friends. You can hate each other. You can gurantee that you will not have a functional relationship of any kind. You can make your D much harder on yourselves and your children. You can make co-parenting turn into a tug of war based on anger and resentment, turning everyones lives into a living battle. It happens ALLLLL the time when marriage ends. It doesn't have to. If you can avoid this, it will make every single person involved live a happier life.
NOW, this is the part I am struggling with. Can we be "friends" with our spouses after divorce? Probably not....but being "friendly" is a real option. Look at it this way. You may not be spending Christmas together anymore, but you can say "hey Merry Christmas" and actually mean it. Make sense? give it some real thought. Weigh the pros and the cons. It is a lot easier to figure out than you think.
