I read something once following Trump's divorce. He said, "I want a marriage that I don't want to work at." I found that funny. Because you hit the nail on the head... when you date, you work. You compromise. You show interest and concern for the other. We get married and we get lazy. Plain and simple. We just get lazy. And it seems to me, that as the resentment builds up, we are willing to compromise less and less. You point out before you were willing to compromise and show interest in your H's activities and less so now. Why? Well, because you don't feel he's compromised, you don't feel you should. The resentment continues to build from there.
I absolutely don't agree with the quote. Hahahahaha. Not much we've disagreed on. But I don't think that's right. When people are arguing, they clearly are still engaged in the other person. Meaning, indifference hasn't taken over yet. I don't think arguing is bad, per se. I think that the way we argue can be bad. My H and I didn't argue much. Why? Well, I was all too willing to just concede. I don't believe arguing is a sign of one's inability to grasp the rights of others. What's the alternative? Not saying anything? Now, your response might be that the two just simply talk about it and not argue about it. But that is kind of semantics to me. When I say my H and I had an argument, rarely are we talking about anyone who has raised their voice. So it's perhaps best to say we had a disagreement. But whatever you call it, these discussions, arguments, disagreements do need to happen at some level, IMHO.
I don't think I felt my M was failing when I let it go. I think it was a symptom of a larger problem, however. I am the perfect co-dependent. Daughter of an alcoholic. Came from an abusive household. Victim of a rape. I came with some pretty large self-esteem issues. It was not always so obvious... in fact, it practically never was unless you got to know me. I was confident at work. I took great pains in dressing and keeping myself taken care of. I spoke my opinion and could never be called "soft spoken." However, I have always felt that I was not good enough. So? What happens. I ask to go to a play. He says no. I realize how stupid it is to ask to go to a play because most people don't. What is wrong with me? I shouldn't want to go to a play. I should be like normal people. Of course he's right not wanting to go to a play. Most guys don't. Then I sit down and watch 18 holes of golf on TV with him trying my best to enjoy it. Not saying it's right. In fact, at this point, I know it's not. But that's MY dysfunction. Not his. Now, when we were dating, it was easier. I didn't need to ask for something more than once. But as we discussed at the beginning, people get lazy. So what SEEMED to work for awhile, didn't once everyone got lazy.
The breakdown happened when I was moved to TN. That was the first time I really asserted myself and my absolute displeasure about the situation. Now listen, I was NOT constructive (understatement of the century). However, it was the first time I really put up a fight. And my H? Well, he had no clue what to do with that because I really never put up a fight on much of anything.
