I know what I need to do...focus on me. I think all this time that H and I have spent with the kids and texting/emailing has gotten my focus off myself and back on him...time to take a step backwards even though I feel that will give him the validation that we won't work, but I guess that is just the way it goes.
And my health, I would rather not focus on and just do what I have to do in that avenue and go with the flow. It just stresses me out too much.
I have to focus on getting me happy and doing things I enjoy...can't wait until warmer weather so I can enjoy them. This cold doesn't allow for much things to do for me.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, Your posting is wonderful and spot on and yes, let it be for a while.
We all understand how you feel, but now is not the time to be making life changing decisions. You have a lot on your plate and you are going through some really tough emotional times. For now, let's keep the focus on you and what will help you to become healthy and whole once again. Time really is on your side. Okay. What is the harm in letting things be for a while until at least you get through the tough days ahead w/testing and possible surgery?
Maybe you aren't aware of this, but your h's comments are all mlc script. Each and everyy poster has heard some form of this and yes, they want to be friends, blah, blah, blah. They don't have those romantic feelings towards us, etc. Why? Because they are depressed and those feels are stuffed down and they become emotionally numb towards us.
BRNR, you have to have faith in God, your h and yourself. You have to try to remain positive! I know things look very dark right now, but there is light out there and there have been some positives in your situation. At least your h isn't acting like a raving lunatic right now and you can speak to him about things. Please put your faith in God and allow him to do the necessary work on your h to make him a mature man and some day to return to your marriage and home.
Mlc is not a sprint, but a marathon and it takes a long, long time for them to work through this. AD's and counseling only take the edge off the situation, it will not cure them. The work has to be done by them and them alone.
Please, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think everyone here can understand the feeling of wanting to be happy - of making SOMETHING happen because of being tired of being stuck. I absolutely get that. Shoot, I wrestle with that every day. Every day.
Yep, that is exactly how I feel.
Quote:
If your H is in MLC, you have just asked that he help you through your illness and he has agreed. By your own admission, you need him to step up to the plate. Would giving him that goodbye letter be a good idea right now?
Absolutely NOT would be a good idea. What was I thinking....whew, I didn't think about that at all.
Quote:
When the drama is over, you can re-evaluate.
Sounds good.
As I explained in my prior post, I think I got sucked back into H's drama because we are spending time together and communciating.
I think if I can just stop back a little and give myself some space and time, I can get over these overwhelming emotions...(wanting him, not wanting him, stress, health issues, worry - to name a few)...I have way to much going on with me that I need to give myself some breathing room to process.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
HOLY MOLY!!!! H just called my cell phone. Something he hasn't done in forever as all we do is text and email.
Anyway, I digress...Sitch today is that my son has his first belt testing for mixed martial arts and H had stated earlier in the week that we should all go and then get dinner afterwards. I didn't bring it up since, but today is the day and his phone call was essentially asking if I planned on going and if I wanted to get dinner.
I calmly and politely said "Well, as long as one parent is there, it should be okay and that you take the time and enjoy it with the boys".
I think he was taken aback by it a little, as this will be the first time I have declined an invitation by him to do something, but I feel that I made the right decision especially with everyhting that is going on with my feelings.
Now the only small thought I have is that I don't want to push him away, and instead want to bring him closer to wanting "us" and our family again. Anyone see a negative impact here?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
No, I don't see a negative impact. Sometimes we have to step back a little. It's a good time for "dad" to bond w/his sons for a change. It also gives you a little "me" time to get some much needed rest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
but I feel that I made the right decision especially with everyhting that is going on with my feelings.
Couldn't agree more with that statement more. Neither could I agree more with the other posters. I see no negative impact with you focusing on you. It's high time you did and that you make that a constant thing.
Glad it went well.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No drama to report...I spent a quiet few hours home last night in my sweats and had suchi for dinner last night while H was out with the boys. He seemed really quiet and bothered last night, but I am not trying to read anything into it. It is his weekend with the boys and I dread when they are away...I miss them so much. My youngest son said he wished he was home with me this weekend. I held back my overwhelming emotions to cry and just stated simply "I do too, but you'll have fun with your Dad." I have been hesitant to tell the boys my boys that they have a choice of whether they go to thier Dad's or not. On one hand, I feel they should have a choice, but on the other hand I don't to create waves towards any drama that might come out of it. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Also, I was invited by H to go out Saturday with them to shoot pool. I am still undecided if I am going to go, and just remained silent when he asked. Still thinking about that one.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Thoughts? I don't think you need to create drama. Your boys have enough to deal with, don't you think? My thought is that you should encourage, just as you did, their relationship with their father. That's good for the boys. It's good for your H. It's good for you. I'm not saying you should lie to them. Don't ever do that. They will figure things out much faster than you give them credit. They will always want their parents together. But even more important, they want both their parents to love them. They will remember how you act, what you say, what you do, and how you love them. How you look for what's best for them.
Don't rob them of that. Ever, if you can help it. You won't be sorry for taking that approach, no matter how much it hurts you or how much you sacrifice for them. It counts. It really does and don't ever think otherwise for a second no matter how things get. You are more of a mom than that
As for H's offer to go out. If you feel comfortable going and want to go, then go. If not, then don't. He made his choices, and it's ok for you to make yours. If he wants to spend time with you, that's something he'll try to do. And it won't stop with little attempts. Don't worry about that
No drama is nice, isn't it? I like those kinds of nights. Having one of those now after a long week, and loving it!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
On another note. I woke up with a life epiphany of sorts regarding my life. I think a lot about the advice that is giving both here on the boards and from the people in my life and while I still don't know what I am going to be in the future, I do know that I want to be happy and enjoy and live life.
I have decided to just live my life as if H is not coming back. After all, just like he has a 50/50 chance of wanting me back I have a 50/50 chance that I will want him back. So, taking some time to explore what I want and need in my life and what the world has to offer. I am starting by accepting that my H is trying to build a friendship and leave it at that. And I am going to treat him no differently than I would another friend.
Call it losing hope, but I feel this will aid me in healing and GAL and having no expectations. I don't believe limbo is healthy....not the actual status, but the feeling.
So, with that said, I have decided to go play pool with him and my boys today. It is a miserable rainy day, and I actually want to play. I know I will have fun...besides, I have never seen my kids in action, so it should be interesting to say the least. I also, have other plans for the rest of the day, doing a little shopping afterwards and some house stuff....my house is a wreck. Lol.
Everyone enjoy the weekend and the day for what it is....make the most of every moment!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I wouldn't call it losing home if you are living your life as if he's not coming back. This is the advice that we give everyone so that people can begin living once again. Getting stuck in limbo is not healthy for the lbs. It makes the healing time that much longer and more painful.
If playing pool and doing things together as a family will make you feel better, by all means do it. If something isn't working then change it up. There is no right or wrong way when it comes to dealing w/mlc. It is a work in progress not only for the mlcer, but the lbs as well.
Time to take back your life and life it to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sounds good.