Earlier today I'm texting with new friends/girls and then I get a group text from the ex that she has a new phone number. I don't respond, no need but then I start wondering if she let me know b/c it's really a case of "don't believe anything they say and only half of what you see".
But then just a little bit ago, mutual friend who I have asked not to give me info, tells me she got the text too along with a text about how ex and OM are going out to dinner and a movie and then stopping by to see her. I told my friend again that I don't want to hear about it b/c it messes with my head and that if she is really as upset as she says she is she needs to go dark on my ex.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
It messes with my PMA and detachment. It reminds me that I'm still on the roller coaster. I say to myself, "jzoom, why do you care?" and I can't answer my own question.
My friend was anxious about having to face my ex & OM so I told her that she could either try talking to my ex in private (but that it probably wouldn't do any good), could simply hide and ignore, or could text back and say that there was no reason to stop and talk b/c there was nothing to talk about.
Basically, I had told my friend that if she didn't support my exes decisions and doesn't like OM than she needs to detach herself b/c my ex is under the impression that she has full support from my friend.
Later on in the night I texted my friend and just said I don't want details but I hope everything was calm and smooth for you tonight. She told me that without giving me details she just told my ex not to stop by and she didn't
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
It messes with my PMA and detachment. It reminds me that I'm still on the roller coaster. I say to myself, "jzoom, why do you care?" and I can't answer my own question.
Because you still care for her and you still want her back. You can't just turn that off like a light switch. Don't beat yourself up over it, just keep working on your GAL activities. You need time to heal, you're just now starting the process. You'll get there, just give yourself time!
It messes with my PMA and detachment. It reminds me that I'm still on the roller coaster. I say to myself, "jzoom, why do you care?" and I can't answer my own question.
Because you still care for her and you still want her back. You can't just turn that off like a light switch. Don't beat yourself up over it, just keep working on your GAL activities. You need time to heal, you're just now starting the process. You'll get there, just give yourself time!
Yes, true...and like I just told my friend, I hate that my heart and my head are still fighting.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
It's no fun at all!!! A book that helped me with the emotions is The Happiness Trap. It's not an easy read and I'd guess I only absorbed maybe 15% to 20%, but even that helped me a lot. It talks about how emotions ebb, flow and cycle throughout the day, and how it's better to let them flow through then to try and fight them. Let them run their course and you can keep moving forward, but fight and suppress them and they come back bigger and nastier than before. It's also helpful to not see emotions as "good" and "bad", but as just part of life. We tend to chase "good" emotions like happiness while trying to bury "bad" emotions like sadness. But that's a rat race we can never win because of the cycling nature of emotions. So see them for what they are (a necessary part of us) and let them happen.
I firmly believe that the is one of the ways that I'm feeling as good as I am. For the first time in m life I've not fought the sadness or anger. I don't act on it, I just feel it. And it's done. It's pretty sad that it's been groundbreaking...
I saw tears as weakness. Now I see them as the opposite. I cry got like a few minutes here & there, then I'm not sad anymore. Amazing!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
It's no fun at all!!! A book that helped me with the emotions is The Happiness Trap. It's not an easy read and I'd guess I only absorbed maybe 15% to 20%, but even that helped me a lot. It talks about how emotions ebb, flow and cycle throughout the day, and how it's better to let them flow through then to try and fight them. Let them run their course and you can keep moving forward, but fight and suppress them and they come back bigger and nastier than before. It's also helpful to not see emotions as "good" and "bad", but as just part of life. We tend to chase "good" emotions like happiness while trying to bury "bad" emotions like sadness. But that's a rat race we can never win because of the cycling nature of emotions. So see them for what they are (a necessary part of us) and let them happen.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I firmly believe that the is one of the ways that I'm feeling as good as I am. For the first time in m life I've not fought the sadness or anger. I don't act on it, I just feel it. And it's done. It's pretty sad that it's been groundbreaking...
I saw tears as weakness. Now I see them as the opposite. I cry got like a few minutes here & there, then I'm not sad anymore. Amazing!
I was in therapy for a little while and they told me something similar. Just embrace the feeling for a little bit and then let it go. Also told me about "thought stopping" too. I think my sleep deprivation made it all the worse, I couldn't focus on much of anything.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I'm going to write this, I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore, I guess right now it's just to get this out of my system somewhere.
I'm not going to deny that I must have one of the hardest heads that ever hit these forums. I don't know when or if things will ever sink in. I wish I could see things as they come rather than in hindsight but I let my emotions take over far too often.
Feb 18th she leaves me VM about IRS refund that they messed up when she got her tax ID number.
Text exchange:
Feb 19th: 8:23am me: Got refund. Thanks.
Her: K
8:01pm her: What time will you be home tomorrow I need to get some of the kids cloths
Me: I won't be. I'll be around on Thur after 7.
Her: Ok
Feb 21st: 9:10am me: Have a piece of mail here for you from the IRS If you're coming by tonight for clothing it'll be here.
Her: Ok
*She never comes for clothing.
Feb 22nd 3:07pm her: I will leave you know when I can get over sorry things have been crazy with the kids
Her: I'm sorry I forgot to say hello
Me: Ok
Her: Hope all is well
*I should have stopped here. I see everything in hindsight.
*10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
*18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
*21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
*26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
*29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
*I snoop Facebook and find that she and him fought over the weekend, broke up, got back together on Wed, and she is listed as "In a relationship" with an anniversary date of Sept 11, 2012.
4:45pm me: Everything is good, thanks. Same to you.
Me: I find it funny how you told me you only got together with Steve after we broke up in Oct but I've heard your anniversary with him is Sept 11, 2012. Nice move there.
5pm her: Not sure what your talking about who ever is telling you stuff should get their facts right cause I we don't even have anything on fb his still says he is single. Also what does it matter were not together anymore your even seeing other people I know you went on a date. I would like to know who is telling you stuff so they can be deleted cause me and Steve is none of your concern
Me: Doesn't matter where I heard it, guess its wrong. Whatever, I thought it was funny. And it's funny how you hear about me. Been on more than one date. So yeah, things are good.
Her: Great I'm happy for you just be honest with them on what kind of person you are and no need to worry about me thanks
5:23pm me: Who said I was worried about you?
Her: Looks like you are when you come at me with stuff about me and Steve
Me: Haha ok. You lied to me and cheated on me.
Me: Best wishes and good luck to you two.
Her: Ok sure Jzoom I don't want to fight with you or argue lets please be civil thanks
Me: Yup. Later.
So, yup, I blew it as usual. I have been on dates and I really just don't even want to deal with my ex at all anymore but she keeps popping up. It's like yea, could be that me snooping on FB I shouldn't be believing what I hear/see if she's saying she hopes I am well...but when I react like that it shows her I haven't changed at all.
I'm still wondering if this is how WAS feels when they're fed up. They still love the person they FIRST met but have just gotten so sick of the crap that they say/do hurtful things, try and start fights, to distance themselves. I just want this over with.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I just want this over with.