First Timer

[wolverine1997]

I think its more of not being sure of myself. I tend to over analyze and over think things. Often I just haven't been sure of what is the best road to take. That is why I truly appreciate the helpful suggestions offered here.

[wolverine1997]

Talked to wife last night, here is what happened. I told wife that I overheard her talking about going on a trip. She snidely stated that she was talking near me on purpose and knew that I was listening. She then said that at some point, maybe around March, she was going out of town to visit some girlfriends from school. I told her that I was disappointed in that she could save and plan for a vacation but would not help with the household expenses. She became even more indignant and asked what bills needed to be paid. I listed most of the expenses and then told her that we could pick out a few bills for her to pay every month or she could give me the money (which is what I prefer)and I will pay them. She angrily stated that she would pay herself and that she already pays the car insurance bill. I corrected her and told her that she has paid one month of the car insurance and need to make that payment every month. Also,their are many other household expenses that she needs to help with. We agreed that I would give her a list so that we can decide what she will pay. I will provide that list today.

Right from the start of the conversation she was bitter and irritated. I tried not to fall into that argument trap and did a pretty good job even though I did ask her if had a problem. After that I did not respond to her bitter sarcastic remarks. I am getting better at ignoring and letting things go, not responding to every challenge.

Also, I learned something interesting. She stated that she knows that I try to listen to her conversations (which is sometimes true but not nearly as often as she thinks) and that she talks loud enough for me to hear on purpose. I must give her the impression that I am concerned with her actions. I don't want to give that impression. This shows me that I must continue to work on detaching myself even more.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good observations, Wolv, and good job in handling the expenses convo.

Self-awareness is THE important first step in successful DBing. Without it, you may occasionally stumble into a successful convo, or have some brief success, but those that learn to check their ego at the door, and TRULY self-assess, are those that are the most successful long-term, in my experience.

Puppy

[wolverine1997]

Yes, you are right, it is important to remain humble and self aware. After the conversation with my wife I remained pleasant and upbeat, played with the kids and went about my business. I felt really good afterwards.

[wolverine1997]

I talked to wife Monday night about trip that she is planning on taking. I asked her if she was taking kids and she said no. I then told her that I expected her to help more with household expenses. Well last night when I got home she told me that she had changed her mind and was taking the kids because she just found out that they could fly free (Free miles maybe?). I then told her that I would have more questions about the trip then. She then muttered something as I walked upstairs. I also gave her a list of the household expenses. She angrily said thank you. More to come.

[wolverine1997]

Hello to all. I have finally returned, but not with good news. My last post was about three years ago and things have not gone well. My wife served me with divorce papers two weeks ago. It hit me like a ton a bricks. She has been threatening to do so for almost 4 years now. I thought that she might do it once our oldest child was 18 years old. Since my last post things only got worse. She has become totally independent and disrespectful. It is like two complete strangers living in the same house. When I received the divorce papers I completely freaked out. I called her at work and lost it. I was a complete emotional train wreck. She was considerate and understanding. This was odd because she had not shown me these emotions in years. When she came home from work I did everything wrong. I begged, pleaded and cried. I promised the world and told her that things could be different if she would give us another chance. We talked about our problems and how we got to where we are. She told me why she feels the way that she does and what her problems with me were. We talked for hours about why she wanted to leave. I continued to plead my case but she said that it was too late. But I didn't give up. This went on for another hour or so and then she finally agreed to think about it. FINALLY, A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE! The next day she, the kids and I spent the entire day together. It was great! It was like old times again. We genuinely enjoyed each others company. The following day, Sunday, she invited me over to her mother's house for a family dinner. She had not invited me anywhere in a very long time. I now thought that things were about to change. Silly me. Once we got around her family she became a little cold towards me. Not too bad but not as nice and pleasant as the day before. I didn't sweat it, I figured that this was still progress but that it would take awhile to work things out. The next day, Monday, it all fell apart. I tried to talk to her as she is getting dressed for work. She is cold and despondant. She then tells me that the divorce is still on and things can not change between us. I again go into desperation mode and try to reason with her. We go back and forth and she again agrees to think about it. This back and forth goes on for almost a week. Now we are a few days before a court hearing, I have no lawyer and am not prepared at all to deal with this. She agrees to push the court date back so that I can get a lawyer. I make a last ditch effort. I agree to pay her lawyer's fee if she would just give me six months to work things out. I also agree to help her pay off her medical bills. I asked her how she could ruin our family and devastate the kids. I think she felt a little guilt. She starts to weep softly and asks why can't I just let go. She then says that she will talk to her lawyer. It has been a couple of days now and she is bitter. She says that she is mad at herself because she allowed me to talk her into doing this. So far she still won't really talk to me but she did say that the divorce is postponed. I have a small window of time (six months?) to try to repair this. I just reviewed my DB book and notes. I last read them over two years ago and forgot much of what I read. I am formulating a game plan and going for broke. I almost have my plan together, I will put it in my next post.

[Rick1963]

You sound pathetic. Not sure why your W will want to be with you? If you want I will translate DB for u for free. Lemme know.

[MrBond]

Rick that's the most disrespectful post I've read in awhile. If you're not going to help, then post elsewhere.

[MrBond]

wolverine,

So what have you been doing these past 3 years?

[adinva]

Wolverine, so sorry for the pain you're in. If you've been here before you must remember that the sequence you're citing is very common, begging and pleading, a little nice followed by distancing behavior, assurances that it won't change. If you read other sitches you may at least get a little comfort from seeing that this is script.

Breathe, take care of yourself, and see if you can start to figure out why not enough changed in four years for your W to think marriage to you wouldn't become different and better. What do you know about her issues? Why has she been unhappy? Have you been happy in the relationship these past four years?

Rick, sorry man, you must be having an off day today. I hope Wolf can understand that we're all in pain in our own sitches.