Gonna be different now, (butterfly in hurricane).

[25yearsmlc]

There is a LOT Of "Cognitive Dissonance" in what you write, say and do.

According to Festinger, an expert of sorts in what it means, here is some info for you (and your new c, I hope).

According to Festinger, we hold many cognitions about the world and ourselves; when they clash, a discrepancy is evoked, resulting in a state of tension known as cognitive dissonance. As the experience of dissonance is unpleasant, we are motivated to reduce or eliminate it, and achieve consonance (i.e. agreement).

Cognitive dissonance was first investigated by Leon Festinger,

arising out of a participant observation study of a cult which believed that the earth was going to be destroyed by a flood, and what happened to its members — particularly the really committed ones who had given up their homes and jobs to work for the cult — when the flood did not happen.

While fringe members were more inclined to recognize that they had made fools of themselves and to "put it down to experience",

committed members were more likely to re-interpret the evidence to show that they were right all along (the earth was not destroyed because of the faithfulness of the cult members).

Just spend some time thinking about THIS^^^ when you can...

Hi,
I know I haven't treated my wife the right way, granting her honor as I should have.

^^^This is true. Unfortunately, instead of stopping there, a few paragraphs after you show this "insight",

you then begin to transition back into your typical world view wherein YOU are a victim.

The whole household rested on me, to be the leader, the example, to be a kind, patient and understanding husband. And I haven't been none of it.
Before trying to take the speck out of her eye, I should have taken the log out of mine.

So for the driving issue, I replied today that during our meeting, thank you for sharing and I concurred with all her concerns. She agreed to share the driving so the effort wouldn't be borne by one only, and that was appreciated.

So, YOUR GOAL was achieved. She agreed to something you wanted, even though she had disagreed before. NOTICE this.


I didn't want to stand in her way but since she promised I expected her to do some driving.

you "didn't want to stand in her way BUT..." but what? What are you talking about?

We all know that You wanted her to share the driving to drop/pick up your son. And she agreed to do this now. Yay...baby step!


I said I trusted her to do what's fair, because I knew her from her past life. And that I was sure she would do what she believed to be right for me and Bruce.

Good...It'd have been WONDERFUL if you had stopped HERE^^^!! But you don't actually mean it, b/c of what you say below. And THAT is what I mean when I say I see a lot of Cognitive Dissonance in you.

You don't even believe half what you say when you say it, and the rest of it changes FAST, doesn't it?


I'm dropping off my rights and my anger. I'm so tired of being always disputing and strife, that I'd rather be wronged than having to put up with another quarrel.

More martyr talk NOT based on truth. This is NOT reality based!

AND

How does this attitude help you at all? It baffles me. You are not happier with it and you don't seem willing to change it so, why the heck don't you change something real, in YOU?

I know that being nice and conciliatory doesn't work with W, but I'm doing this to have peace.

What?? WHAT???

Your presumably calm words to your w about sharing the driving, achieved a change of mind on her part...

which PROVES being nice and conciliatory DOES WORK W/YOUR WIFE!!!

How can you not see that? You seem to think being nice to her MUST mean she comes back to you - or drops all demands.

Anything less, is WRONG/MEAN/PUNITIVE of HER. Bruce, Your world view is not the adult view of the world. I gotta ask, what was your childhood like?

Were you an only child? Were you pampered?

Bruce,

Please see the new counselor SOON.


And above all peace of mind, so I could sleep and work during the day, rather than thinking whether or how W would retaliate.


She asked for child support and half the assets and spousal support. YOU SAY that is retaliatory. I say it's normal.

Also, WE ALL told you not to mention wanting to buy a house to her. But nope, you just had to tell her...YOU INSISTED on it. And you never have admitted that we warned you. And you never did answer my question,

"WHY did you tell her?"

You'll say "b/c I didn't think she'd want any of MY stuff" which is NOT WHY you told her.

You told her b/c you hoped SHE WOULD WANT IT SO MUCH SHE"D COME HOME TO YOU...and when she did not give you that reaction,

you claim she is "retaliatory". I say you made her notice ANOTHER discrepancy in life style between you and her...which was your goal, but not with the desired outcome.

Yes she's taking all my money, yes she escaped with my son and manipulated me in promising I would be able to be with them and that was a lie. But if she sues me and want to have my shirt, she can have my cloak also.
I will dismiss my L, and tell my wife I'd rather be defrauded than fight against her. I'm already defeated by going to court with her.

Stop this^^ thought disorder at once. It's not healthy or reality based.

It keeps you stuck in an angry, juvenile mode.

Change your mode or paradigm NOW. It's most unhealthy and most unattractive.

I'll tell her I don't agree with D, but that I won't contest it.

She knows you don't agree with it. But what's to contest? Custody? (The divorce itself is not contestable. The support orders are temporary. So that leaves...your son).

I don't blame her for that,


YES YOU DO BLAME HER!

Bruce, this ^^^ is more cognitive dissonance from you. You say something you CLEARLY DO NOT MEAN, b/c we all know you DO blame her.

It's as if when things don't go your way, you want to take your toys and go home. Are you looking for an excuse to cut & run back to France??

and only trust that she will that what's just. I won't open my mouth to defend myself. It's useless, I may obtain this and that, but I'll lose her.

The only thing I'll cling to, is my S. We've become buddies now, and I really want to shield him from this mess.
Bruce

If you really are buddies with your son, do not fire your L.

Your lawyer is your best chance of gaining any meaningful time with son.

So decide what is more important to you.

Being a martyr victim in your wife's eyes, or time with your son.

If your son is more important, then you'll need to "man up & show up" in court, with your son's best interests put first.

Adults do this every day. It's not easy. But you seem to think your situation is grossly unfair, or uniquely rare. It's neither.

Your support payments are TEMPORARY! You know this! So when you persist in misrepresenting them to garner support from people who don't know the real situation you created, the deceit is annoying.

It makes me wonder how on earth your w ever got through to you on anything.

She said you two "have differences on fundamental issues" and I bet that is true.

Have you made any inroads into this insight of hers?

Because even now, with all these parents here,

you mock the child care she wanted help with.

(BRUCE---the "bah bah bah" and "monkey faces" comments, were oozing with contempt....among the most offensive comments I've ever read, anywhere, about children. You better change that attitude TODAY!

And seriously, if you never liked or knew kids before, get some tools to learn about raising them. I never hear you tell us of the FUN things you do, just your "duty FILLED" time and it never sounds joyful, just scorekeeping as "evidence" of the great dad you will be.

And the comments... I could not tell if it was only contempt for her, or contempt for her AND your son...but it's offensive and disappointing AND revealing.

Ask yourself what it means about you. Dig deep. You say you like extreme sports. Then get brave.

Did you really read my last post?? Did you take any of it in and THINK about it
OR
did it overwhelm you, so you decided to take your toys and go home, WHILE playing the victim/martyr?

OWN UP to this^^ stuff!

Please please see a new c soon and get the tools you need to learn empathy and compassion.

REAL empathy and compassion last for more than an hour...or a few sentences.

When you learn to see your wife's point of view, without IMMEDIATELY defending yourself, gloss over your errors, or blame HER for something "much worse",

then we'll have gotten somewhere.

I wish you the best Bruce, the best YOU that you can become, and the best father your son deserves.

And I wish you peace inside.