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[needgrace]

Growing Pains

I have been doing a bit of self reflection recently and have focused on my own anxiety and it's impact on my life and my M.

I think my whole life I have come from a place of inherently not trusting myself. While I have fought it well enough to be successful in many ways, I sabotage my ability to truly enjoy my life with this fear which creates a strange combo of perfectionism and avoidance..

I sought to find "false refuge" in my M and in my W.. i made her my safety net, my security. It worked for a short time but then became like a leaking ship, sprouting holes everywhere. Instead of focusing on me and changing, my focus was on patching up those holes and holding on more tightly to the ship instead of learning how to swim on my own.

when i was kicked off the ship, i did everything i could to hold on which ended up pushing my W away. i was frantic because i did not think i could swim.

the harder i fought, the more anxious i became...

i needed to learn first to float and trust that i could float... at first i would use the image of God holding me in the water so that i felt like i could do it..

now i am floating okay mostly... every time i see W i have a tough time not trying to grab on to that ship, so while it may not be the best DB strategy, i know it is best for me to not see her..it is what i need

and I am far enough away from the boat to see the holes..

and to also begin to turn from floating to sailing... from surviving the water to looking at it as an adventure... in some ways, my W has set me free..

so my journey now is about both looking inward to grow and in looking outward to imagine where i want my life to go.