Well my other thread locked. No surprise, it was way overdue.
I hesitated in starting a new thread because I really don't have a purpose other than keeping in touch with some great people I've gotten to know, and to journal some thoughts along the way. I guess if it helps someone else in the process, then that's just a bonus.
As I was typing in the title, I had a curious thought and so put a little twist to it. I realize that short of salvaging my M and making it something wonderful and fulfilling for both of us, my second greatest fantasy would be for us to reach a point where we both realize we are simply incompatible, and that the best thing we could do for each other is to let the other one go.
I did that years ago with a guy I dated. He was just a little older than me, but he had gotten his GF pregnant in H.S. and married her, had another child, then eventually D'd. The problem for us was that he was done having/raising kids and I hadn't even started. We both really liked each other, but both realized it wasn't fair to the other to expect them to compromise something so significant. So we mutually broke up but remained friends long after, caring for the other still and wishing the best for them. I even ran into him a couple years ago and it was a wonderful reunion. He graciously met my H who was with me at the time, and spoke fondly of his W that wasn't present. It was so comfortable, and I can honestly say that I still care for him and I'm very happy for his relationship with his W.
The thing is, it never even occurred to me to ask him to compromise his choice. He could have accomplished it, easily. He was in his early 30's, healthy, gainfully employed, responsible, etc. I guess that's what happens sometimes when you become a teenage parent - you grow up fast. But I never felt I had any right to even ask that of him. It was his life, his choice. My "negotiating" it with him under the parameters of "our R" would have just been wrong.
I don't believe that anyone has the right to expect someone else to serve them, and the problem is amplified when it's expected without reciprocation. I guess I don't understand a sense of entitlement. I wouldn't expect to be paid without working. I wouldn't expect to have something without paying for it. I don't think being in a R "entitles" you to anything, not even a M R. If your partner doesn't offer something freely when asked, then it's not yours to have.
I can see how this attitude played out in our M. I asked H to garden with me; he declined so I did it alone or with GF's. I asked him to go on a float trip with me, for years; he finally agreed but then cancelled at the last minute. I asked him to consider that the act of sex needs to be satisfying for me too and gave him suggestions for what he could do; he forgot repeatedly and left me wanting. In these and more, I asked but he opted out. Do I have a right to be angry and demand that he do what I ask, because we're M'd? I didn't think so. I already asked, he declined. Instead, I just accepted his position, disappointed but not argumentative or demanding. I didn't give up my interests, I just did them without him. I pulled away, because he wasn't offering me anything to stay for. At the same time, I gradually stopped doing his things with/for him. He doesn't seem to hold the same position. He often tells me that I need to do something for/with him "because I'm his W," regardless of the fact that he's not even reciprocal.
When I got M'd, the vows were mine, the responsibility was mine, the words I spoke were promises of what *I* was committing to. Sure, H spoke similar vows, but the only one that can deliver what he promised is him. If he chooses not to, what right do I have to demand different? Even God allows for free will. It's his choice to live in this R the way he does, and I can't do anything to make him do different. I *can* choose to not be part of it. But to criticize? Condemn? Demand? I don't even see the point. Should I even want a partner that's only there because I coerced/argued/nagged/threatened him into doing it?
When would "because you're my H" ever be a legitimate reason for demanding something from him?
