Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

Thanks guys. I'm trying to better at not FIXING so much, but I'm remedial. I could justify this trip because it wasn't my idea it was h's, I can see that he is trying - I'm helping in a not very big way, not fixing. Fixing would be if I cook up the trip and sell them ALL on it.

Also, H is a fully grown adult and should be managing his own relationships, but S15 is still a kid and he's learning. I'm not fixing when I make him go to school or brush his teeth. So why is modeling family behavior, at least till we're over the hump, FIXING? Should S15 not be helped along a little bit rather than letting him flounder around with the relationship skills of a 15yo boy? Look where it got his dad.

Honestly I could argue both sides of this question equally. I don't think going or not going is inherently bad. Plus, the olive branch may have been extended to me, too. Am I ready to slap it away? (Yes more than ready, but what if it's a signal that H's heart is changing?)

So. I blew off IC today. I screwed up bigtime and had that coffee date with my SIL, and got busy with work at Starbucks until I had a 10 minute window left before I had to leave to go to IC. I raced over with coffee thinking that I'd stay 10 minutes, be 10 minutes late for IC, and all would be fine. Whatever 15 minutes, 20 minutes. And then IC didn't call so I allowed myself to question whether it was next week after all and I kept talking to SIL. IC was nice enough to reschedule for next Tuesday but I could tell from her not-to-happy voice that I've missed and/or been late and rescheduled for free just about enough.

But I couldn't give up this opportunity, it turned out very well.

This was the coffee we talked about via FB before Christmas and it turned into two hours, two kleenexes, talking over empty coffee cups. It was a really nice conversation not all about me and my relationship problems but her life and knee surgery and kid issues and my life and kid issues and of course relationship with her H's kid brother.

I learned a lot more about my husband original family and how very abusive his father was to the older boys especially this one (my h was a baby then) and a little bit more about his mother. This brother-in-law was about 15, about my sons age, when the violent blowout happened in his family that resulted in divorce (FIL threw MIL out through a window), and he and SIL see events from a much different perspective than I've ever seen from the younger siblings and a much more complex dynamic between my mother-in-law and her husband. Although the other kids put her on a pedestal, idealized her and protected and stood by her all this time and demonize their abusive alcoholic father, only this oldest brother and his wife come at it from the perspective that their mother allowed that abuse to happen for many years until this one violent episode put it over-the-top.

It in no way makes the abuser any better and it's still terrible what their mom had to put up with but she did put up with it a long time while her children were getting beaten too. She had choices too, which she finally exercised at that point. So SIL and BIL see things differently than the ones who were little kids then.

Of all the four kids this one who is the black sheep now was the only one who really rebelled during his teens and stood up to his father, spoke his mind to his father and years later attempted to break the ice with him and try to have a real conversation. This is the same kind of self respect and standing up for yourself which I am hoping to encourage my 15-year-old son to do at some point.

The other three siblings are sort of emotionally unavailable somewhat remote and superficial in their family relationships - really friendly on the surface, but not much deeper. I always thought they were much more open and affectionate than my family but after going through this year I feel it doesn't go far beneath the surface and things aren't said because it might be awkward. I thought my brother-in-law must have been very courageous to try to go have a beer with his dad as an adult and have a decent chat. The father then told the rest of the family that BIL showed up as an unemployed loser coming to ask for money so that the resulting relationship didn't quite happen but I believe the fact that my brother-in-law reached out and made the attempt made a difference for him.

I think it's a shame that my husband refused to go see his dad this past December when his sister did because the man is ill doesn't have a lot of time left and is expressing regrets. My brother-in-law refused to go see him too but in a way had already said his piece, while my husband has left things unresolved and doesn't see any point in speaking to his father again ever.

My sister in law asked me if I had seen all my husband's Facebook posts and she said he sounds miserable. I was surprised to hear he even posts on Facebook because he refused to connect with me when he set up a Facebook account years ago, but I am not surprised to hear he sounds miserable. My sister-in-law says he mostly posts about food and the occasional adolescent male humor but also seems to them to be very lonely and unhappy.

My sister in law had a very interesting perspective on things which was helpful to me. One was having had two boys already grown up and having had a husband who was 15 when his dad left she could tell me that 15-year-old boys individuating from their dads can act like my son acts even in unbroken homes. She said it's quite common after years of behaving like this for a boy to come around again in his early 20s and become closer with his dad. So I feel like my anxiety that our situation has permanently destroyed their relationship may be unnecessarily great. Maybe even a little self-serving if it makes me and the boys look like the victim and my husband the bad guy.

My brother in law and sister in law would like to be able to help, and my brother-in-law has been planning to try to talk to my husband and tell him he's making bad choices. I told them that was nice of them and he can say whatever he feels he should, but my opinion is that nobody can say anything to my husband that will change what he has to go through. However I do think it might be comforting for my husband to know from his brother that boys do push their dads away and do come back eventually because this might help my husband to not take my son's behavior as a complete rejection. I am not trying to fix their relationship but more trying to recognize that their relationship isn't necessarily what I think it is and isn't necessarily going to be the way I think it is going to be.

It was also interesting to learn that my brother-in-law does not much like or get along with his mother. That was a big surprise. I only recently figured out how behind the scenes mean she is but he has known that all along. This past year she told him she didn't much like him because he was so much like her husband. No one knows what similarity she saw there, but even so that was a very hurtful thing for him to hear. They've also noticed how much she plays favorites and has specific requirements to gain her approval. Since they had two nonathletic boys that was quite clear.

She pointed out to me how hard it must have been for the kids to grow up with her as their mother when only this oldest one really rebelled or became a different kind of individual.

She also told me her husband might be willing to talk with my son about getting involved with drugs since he had plenty of experience with that as a teen himself.

We only live about 10 minutes apart from this family but the differences (socioeconomic, personality, etc) seemed to create more distance than that and it's a shame because I always found them to be among the sweetest and most genuine people in the family. I'm hoping that we might be able to do more things with them so my kids can get some of the benefits of having cousins and extended family that we spend time with.

So I'm glad I reached out and I cried a little and she cried a little and no one spontaneously combusted which was nice. She said a a few times how can I help and my standard answer is I'm doing fine, but it is so meaningful to me to even be asked that question. I tried to convey that to her. It still makes me cry because I'm uncomfortable with the idea of needing help or wanting help and unaccustomed to the possibility that anyone might even be interested in helping really.