Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[Raine]

Oh my heck. My feelings exactly J. The hits just keep on coming and at what point is there any pay off for it, right? I do think there is the large potential I could be happier without H. I am going to be okay no matter what. I feel very confident in that.

But here's where I get stuck. My boys would not be better off. No other man is going to love them as much as H does, and I want more for them than a weekend dad. I want them to have their dad back, the one who spent hours with them every night. I don't think that guy will ever fully come back to reality and responsibility if I walk away. That's the second part. I do not think H's life would be good. I can see him getting through this, but I see him ending up with a loser who would run all over him and he would be miserable and he would be full of regrets, especially when it came to relationships with his sons. I hold tight to that commitment I made to him. I am committed to him, even when he has no commitment to me. I love him, even when he doesn't love me. I don't have conditions on the promises and commitments I made to him. For better or worse, and by hell this is for worse.

I also know that I had a lot of decisions that I can make, that I don't have to make right now. I still have options and I want to make sure that if I exercise any of those options, I don't have regrets. I am teaching my sons a very valuable lesson right now. The curse that has gone on for generations in my H family stops now. My sons will not abandon their children. My sons will fight for their marriage.