FY, mine uses we a lot. Last night in one of her angry moments she even said 'if we get a divorce.' It was so hard not to laugh and ask why she wouldn't want to divorce someone who makes her life miserable. I've often wonder how much you can read into those statements.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
FY, I am happy to see you have received some positive signs. It does seem handling of the gift and the "we" comment that perhaps wife is softening up a bit.
FY, I agree she's softening up a little. Don't read too much into the "we" comment. My H still uses it all the time: "When we sell the house," "Our stock appreciated," "We have this much in the IRA," etc.
What I would like to see from you is an account of behavioral changes that are likely to be noticed by your W. Do you really know what she would like to see to feel happy in the M? Have you pinpointed the behavior that caused damage to the M?
What I would like to see from you is an account of behavioral changes that are likely to be noticed by your W. Do you really know what she would like to see to feel happy in the M? Have you pinpointed the behavior that caused damage to the M?
Keep up the great work!
Any behavior that my wife has mentioned being unhappy with has been 180'd by me to the best of my ability for the duration of the crises now. I'm sure she notices but it's not changing her feelings of not being "in love" with me. Her shields are set on maximum and she's just not letting me in.
And why would she? All the vets and experts in the MLC forum tell us LBS's the same thing: It's not about us or the marriage, it's about their personal issues that only they can work through. This is not an excuse for us to not work on ourselves and correct our shortcomings, oh no, but something to remember when nothing we do (or stop doing) seems to work to bring our spouses back.
My wife is on a personal journey. A major life transition. She will not come back to me until she works through these issues. Will I still be here when she does? I hope so! That's where you and all my fellow D Busters come in... helping to keep me on track.
V-Day update:
I found an appropriate card:
Cover:
Happy "You've got a beautiful heart" day.
Happy "You're really something" day
Happy "I'm glad you're in my life" day
Inside:
Happy Valentine's Day
...Which I signed with a smilie face and my name, and left out for her before I left the house. She left it untouched for the entire day, but did open it today. She did not mention anything about it, and didn't get me a card. I said nothing about any of this. I'm glad I didn't let the day pass without acknowledgment.
Tonight we visited my parents, who still know nothing about our sitch. Wife acted like all was well, laughed and hugged my folks.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The MLCer seems to think that 'in love' is something that just happens. Maybe lightening will strike and I'll be back 'in love.' In much the same way that we hope this journey will be easy and they'll come to their senses, they hope falling back in love or being happy will be easy too. Right now we have to do the work for both of us.
I guess it's really an honor that they think we are responsible for their misery. No one could cause them this much pain unless they (we) were closer to them than anyone else in the world.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
The MLCer seems to think that 'in love' is something that just happens.
Well, that’s the way it works in our songs, movies and story books!
Quote:
I guess it's really an honor that they think we are responsible for their misery. No one could cause them this much pain unless they (we) were closer to them than anyone else in the world.
Funny thing is, my W doesn’t seem to blame me for much of her discontent, she just believes she’s not “in love”, and time is running out to find it. Sure, immediately after BD there was lots of spewing about how bad of a H I was, (even though she never complained prior to this, and stayed around for now nearly 30 years) but that has gone away.
Maybe it’s because she’s searching within for answers... maybe she’s done, is planning her leave and just doesn’t want to be the bad guy in the interim. If I had even the slightest clue it could be the former, it would help me tremendously to be patient.
One of her recent favorite songs: "I will wait for you" wth?
What does this mean? I know. Nothing.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, You are over analyzing everything and it's going to drive you insane. Accept her for who she is right now. She's still baking and won't be done for quite a while. There is no rhyme or reason for what she says or does because she's operating on pure emotions.
At least she's not in the anger stage like she was. She's suffering from some depression because she's just not feeling that "in love" feeling w/you right now. You have to remember that they don't have those feelings for us while in crisis. Those feelings are stuffed down and numbness replaces them for a long time. She may not regain that warm and fuzzy feeling for you until she begins to hit acceptance...which is a long time from now.
Sit quietly and the answers will come. Dig deeper for more patience and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so excited. (and a little nervous) Dance lessons are out for now. My company’s HR department finally got back to me about running a Cardio Tae Kwon Do class at our work place. It’s a go!
First, an email promoting my class will go out to the entire company next Wednesday. Then I have to put together a presentation that I will give in front of a group of interested coworkers on Friday, two weeks from today. I have ideas but need to polish them up. I have to sell myself and my course. (yikes!)
Then, as long as I get 7 or more people to sign up, (seems easily doable) I need to prepare for the class itself. It will likely be for 6 weeks, 2 nights a week.
I’ve been training in TKD for over 20 years, and used to help run classes at the local community college, (sometimes on my own) but pretty much have only been working out with 2 other guys in my home gym for several years now. Wish me the best, I'm nervous!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
