I'm really getting sick of this. I fire bombed a few other threads with my bad mood and I really shouldn't have done that, apologies. I'm going to b+tch about some petty stuff and I know it's score keeping, but I just want to scream at W, "How did you turn into this insensitive, uncaring @sshole and don't even seem to notice?!?"
Ok, the kids are with me Thur to Sun, but out of school today and tomorro because of heavy snowfall. I asked W last night when she dropped them off to txt me if she gets the call that school is canceled as they don't have my cell (something I should have taken to take care of). So she txts me this morning there is no school and to please send her pics of the kids in the snow. I thought okay. A little later D15 was on her FB and I noticed all these pics of the kids going back to Halloween that were obviously taken by W but never forwarded to me, not one. The Thanksgiving parade, pics of them playing in the first snowfall a few months ago, a festival in Jan, and D15s HS Formal last Sat in the dress that I bought. I was like WTF, these were exactly the kind of pics she would share before BD. I sent her pics of the kids, my family, her parents and grandparent, at least a dozen, while back east for Xmas which she refused to attend because it would be too uncomfortable to ride in the same car for 14 hrs. She refused a plane ticket also, so whatever, the kids will not forget. I've sent her a few pics since the separation in Jan. After that I really wanted to tell her I would get right on those sledding pics and appreciate all the photos I have received since Oct. I know, petty, but was truly shocked to see all those pics for the first time.
Called her tonight to see if she wanted to watch D10 on Sat night while me, D15 and some friends go to Rocky Horror. She said of course and said that sounds like fun (without much enthusiasm). There was a bit of a pause so I asked how are you. She said, "I've been better" and did not sound good. She asked me and I said I've been better also, but I'm also having a lot of good times. It's funny how she tells everyone how happy!!! she is, but almost always looks and sounds anything but. I think she has cut herself off from more good friends (the kind that can see right through the facade and aren't afraid to say so) and is probably feeling pretty lonely. I told her how the kids helped me get the car unstuck and I think they enjoyed that more than the sledding (strange kids, but they come by it honest). She laughed a little, and said, sounding sad, that she was glad they were having fun. There was a short pause, so I said thanks for Sat and good night.
No OR talk, which was fine with me. She initiates it and it's mostly a long list of how I ruined her life. I've resolved not to have those convos anymore. Also missing was any mention of divorce. She was adamant about needing to file soon last we talked (Happy Valentines Day!). I actually haven't talked to her at all since last Fri, so I really have no idea what's going on with her and I'm trying not to care. Sorry about the rambling about nothing, I just wanted to stop venting in other folks threads. J
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
She's going to be cold to you for a while still, but you have to remain positive around her. Don't let her antics or indifference get you off course. Continue to show her you understand her feelings. Continue to show her the new you.
As long as you don't push her to it by confirming her reasons for wanting out of the M, (or giving her new ones) I seriously doubt she will file.
Why do I say this? Because your marriage was good (not perfect) and there is no other man. Don't let your words/actions push her to another man! She's going through a tough time right now, even tougher than you are. Keeping this in mind will help you have compassion for the love of your life.
Your goal right now is to allow her to feel comfortable around you again. Keep your interactions light and friendly.
As LBS's we always think, if I could only GET my S back I will be happy. But it doesn't work that way. We have to actually BE happy before they will have any interest in coming back. Work on yourself J. Build yourself a happy and fulfilling life and then maybe she'll want back in.
Oh, and good job venting here instead of with W. I do that sometimes too!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Great post, FY, and I needed to hear this especially this morning:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
She's going through a tough time right now, even tougher than you are. Keeping this in mind will help you have compassion for the love of your life.
Your goal right now is to allow her to feel comfortable around you again.....As LBS's we always think, if I could only GET my S back I will be happy. But it doesn't work that way. We have to actually BE happy before they will have any interest in coming back.
Jay, hang in there. The thing about the pics may sound petty but it's painful. Seeing unexpected pics can really stir up some emotions, I know.
My H has craved pics from home and of the boys like a hungry man. Even all throughout this last year when he was most distant. He still wanted pics but of course wasn't willing to share any.
Keep going. I like how you are so connected with the kids and are always planning on things to do with them. I actually think, for as bad as it feels, you are in a good place in your sitch as your W has no OM and obviously misses you and your home life even though she needs this time and space to grow.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
^, ^^. Agree with both of you. It helps to have a place to vent. So I've been having the boys ready and waiting every morning to ride with W to school. We're all sitting in the garage in lawn chairs when she pulls up. In my mind I thought I was doing her a favor by not making her come in to get them. Instead I got venom for rubbing it in her face that I have them ready and she's running late. Responded with the ole "sorry you feel that way." I wanted to tell her to show up on time it won't be an issue.
No good deed goes unpunished.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Wow FY, rH, MM, thanks for your understanding replies and always helpful advice! I half expected folks to get on this thread and call me out for being a big cry baby (nervously looking at you 25yearsmlc). It's just all so confusing. I know that 4 months from BD is a ridiculously short time in the grand scheme of things, particularly in a 25 year R and the typical MLC timeline, but a growing part of me wonders what a future R with W might potentially even look like and based on some accounts of people heading toward or in piecing, it ain't lookin pretty. Never being able to trust her again, walking on eggshells, feeling like I was her second choice all those years ago because she still believes it, being overjoyed for any scraps of basic human kindness or decency shown my way, maybe feeling like my emotions and needs come last or risk her rejecting me again. That sounds like cr@p and it comes after months, if not years, of listening too and validating what is 90% the most painful and ridiculous nonsense and with no idea if she will ever beam back to earth again. I am not as strong as some of you. I have always avoided negative people, who has the time, and now I am married to arguably the most negative feeling person ever (towards me anyway). I don't want a R with zombie wife, not even a friendship. I'm sorry about that, but it's true. There is just too much pain.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
I have all these same feeling too. But for me, thinking that far into the future gives me anxiety and even more stress on top of an already stressful situation. Try to take it day by day to get a clearer head to think with. You are still hurting and are saying a lot of this out of emotion. Take the time and focus on YOU, not her. I know it is hard, I am struggling with it myself, but it really does help.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I have those same feelings. I struggle with it often. This stuff [censored], and thats a nice way of saying it. I have to get busy doing something or find something to occupy my mind. It's tough, and I'm not sure if I can do it. Luckily, I've explained mlc to my brother and when I'm down he's there to push me forward. We are very competitive by nature and he reminds me that we don't quit; never have, never will.
I know my W. She is the greatest girl I've ever met. We have two great boys together. We had what every other couple wants. I refuse to give up on her when she's hurting. I refuse to quit trying to give my boys a home that includes both their parents. What is 1,2,3 years of my life when they are just getting started with theirs. I don't want them to experience what their mother is going through when they are 40 years old. When their future W goes through this, or they do, I don't want them to quit because their dad did.
Having said all that, tomorrow, when I'm questioning all this, you can remind me why I shouldn't give up!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Oh my heck. My feelings exactly J. The hits just keep on coming and at what point is there any pay off for it, right? I do think there is the large potential I could be happier without H. I am going to be okay no matter what. I feel very confident in that.
But here's where I get stuck. My boys would not be better off. No other man is going to love them as much as H does, and I want more for them than a weekend dad. I want them to have their dad back, the one who spent hours with them every night. I don't think that guy will ever fully come back to reality and responsibility if I walk away. That's the second part. I do not think H's life would be good. I can see him getting through this, but I see him ending up with a loser who would run all over him and he would be miserable and he would be full of regrets, especially when it came to relationships with his sons. I hold tight to that commitment I made to him. I am committed to him, even when he has no commitment to me. I love him, even when he doesn't love me. I don't have conditions on the promises and commitments I made to him. For better or worse, and by hell this is for worse.
I also know that I had a lot of decisions that I can make, that I don't have to make right now. I still have options and I want to make sure that if I exercise any of those options, I don't have regrets. I am teaching my sons a very valuable lesson right now. The curse that has gone on for generations in my H family stops now. My sons will not abandon their children. My sons will fight for their marriage.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
You just got some great perspective from these people up there ^^^^^ and I completely agree...I get what you are feeling, felt it, even now I still have to remind myself of those points ^^^^ up there ^^^^ . Just not nearly as often these days...It does get easier with practice/time.
Take it slowly my friend, remember to breathe, keep the bigger picture in mind to help get through these tougher times...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'll share a little bit about what it's like for me. My H has been in MLC for years, but it hasn't been all miserable. We had many good times mixed in with the discontent before he started replay.
A year ago this month he was thinking 24/7 about moving out. Now, although I cry and whine on the boards here and you quoted my sentiments about myself exactly:
Originally Posted By: Jayhawk1970
I am not as strong as some of you.
I've managed to limp along this far.
Now, here a year later, I get 3 or 4 nights a week sleeping in the arms of my lover. When S13 had a bad dream the other night, both of his parents were there to comfort him. I know that I can trust my H now. Not distrust him. I've gone to 100% of letting him go so in my heart I feel like he will only come back if he wants to. He doesn't have to.
I see other people here with growth. T^2 is much more analytical than me and has detailed the wonderful ways he has grown. Lots of others have shown personal growth through these trials. I know I have learned how to be much more patient and less controlling.
If you read some of 25's activities she did to GAL it looks anything but boring! And yes, there is this waiting time, but if you ended up with one of those 1 in 10,000 R's ... wouldn't you wait?
I think you are doing really well. You are constantly trying to figure it all out....what is best for you. Reading the archives here has been a real source of encouragement for me.
Keep asking questions. Keep moving on. Keep working on you. W will get there one day. She is looking to you for strength even though it doesn't look like it right now.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
