I'm not really a good person to advise you on that question. I've followed your situation for a long time because I can relate to you for some reason more than most, and, I can sometimes help certain guys on this board who are at that particular leg of the journey where they don't know anything about GAL or not to beg and plead and all that sorry sounding stuff. You were there for a while, but then you figured out what you needed to do and also quit doing.
But I'm fairly clueless when it comes how to handle actually saving the marriage or how you should handle this new information you found out if you still want things to work out.
I frankly was done with my XW when I realized what she was up to, but I couldn't give up on the thought of my family being together. Had I not had a daughter, I would've probably just expedited the divorce. But that is NOT the intent of the site, or why you're here. So like I say, hopefully others can chime in on how to acknowledge your wife's affair, act like you care and don't care at the same time, keep your self respect, and yet keep your marriage in a state of limbo long enough to bust the divorce ultimately. All the while continuing to live life for you and your kids and working on you non-stop.
Sounds like it's killing you not to just have it out with her about this, so maybe you should and just get it over with, for YOU. For what it's worth and PLEASE get a second opinion, I'd say nothing like what you proposed above:
Originally Posted By: eyesopen
Your tablet was on and the chat app was open.I saw something that I guess deep down I already knew. It doesn't change what I want, although Next time she lies to you, CALMLY and with a tone of incredulity, say, "Look W, don't lie to me anymore. I know you're f 'n around on me. I read you tablet the other day when you left it open. I suppose you don't even care anymore than to leave the tablet open, so why bother lying? Just quit the lying already, will ya?" If she asks you any questions about how you feel or what you are gonna do, all you can say is you don't know. Leave it ambiguous and open and in limbo with an I don't know. I would appreciate not being lied to anymore.I am the most forgiving man you will ever know and if that isn't enough for you I wish you nothing but the best.I do hope you find your happiness. No you don't, and it sounds like sad unattractive sarcasm.
That's my 2 cents.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Eyes, what was the actual,convo on the pad? H and I text racy stuff back and forth all the time. To anyone, it would look like we were having a PA (which, since he has GF we are not lol...my sitch is a little bizarre, don't worry). A full blown EA with wife is more my sitch...
You want to be 100% sure,because if you accuse (which you are) and it hasn't gone that far, it won't be pretty.
Do I tell her I know, maybe it would take some of the excitment out of it? Show her that I am fine no matter what she does? Just when things were going well for me.
Just to be sure I understand, you went to her house to pick up the kids? So you were snooping on her tablet at her house? If that's the case then I think you were out of line and I wouldn't disclose anything you found on it to her because she is going to be VERY angry that you snooped. This kind of a thing always backfires on the LBS because the WAS then says something like "I can't believe you were invading my privacy like that, clearly I was correct in assuming I couldn't trust you, how will I ever be able to trust you when you behave like this???"
Basically ask yourself these two questions (from DR) before doing or saying anything:
1. What is my overall goal (save the M)? 2. Is what I am about to do/ say getting me closer to or farther from that goal?
IO, I can't repeat what I read. It is beyond racy, it was graphic.
AS, I knew she would be mad that I snooped, and she was. I stuck to my guns and told I would not accept any type of r with anyone that lied to me. It was the first time I took a stand in awhile. Right or wrong I feel better about myself for doing it. She said that she is using the r as a way to cope.
What really frustrates me is that like everything else that has happen since BD we move past it in a short period of time, but yet we can't move past the bigger picture. She also said that she wished she was as strong as me with coping with this, and she asked for my forgiveness.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I don't believe she is even close to be as done as she says she is. She also gave me some script, saying she can't see moving past something that is so broken.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Hello all. I haven't posted in quite awhile so I thought I would drop in and give a update.
First of all I changed my name from eyesopen to Jason Bourne. I thought it was fitting since at the start of the movies he finds himself alone at sea, without a clue who he is. Much in the same way we all find ourselves after BD. As the movies progress he is on a mission to discover who he is, and how he fits in the story that is his life. Again, much like the same journey we are on. On top of it all, he kicks some major butt, while always being aware of his current reality. That is another thing that I think we all need to focus on. Not dwelling on the what if's, just continuing to move forward.
With that said I am finding myself doing well. After confronting my wife about OM, I had some pretty bad anxiety for a couple of weeks. Since then I have shifted my focus to letting her go. Something I had wanted to do so badly for so long, although I now see I wasn't ready. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I am finding it a lot easier to really embrace the 37 rules and to live by them. Thoughts of my wife, and my sitch are starting to become background music, rather than front row to a heavy metal concert.
I have been going to Seperation and Divorce Care at a local church and it has helped a ton. I am also finding more peace as I have been exploring my faith and inviting God into my life.
For the last couple of days I had been contemplating taking the reigns in the divorce process. It still isn't what I want, although I am feeling strong enough to be able to go through with it. My own fog has lifted enough to see that a key theme in alot of reconciliations is that a WAS needs to feel a loss, much in the same way we have.
So this morning when w came over for the kids, I asked her if OM made her happy. Had she answered yes, I was going to say to her that she deserves to be happy and loved, and that I think she should be with him. Also that I would speak to my lawyer and get the paperwork filed. I was ready for it. I am ready to lovingly let her go.
Of course her reply wasn't what I expected. I know, no expectations. She replied that he wasn't going to make her happy. Damn you women, you always know just what to say. She also said she wasn't sure what would make her happy and she needs to figure it out. Yeah no kidding, you need to figure it out. Anyway I am now second guessing myself on pushing the d. I do know that I will continue to focus on letting her go in the most loving manner I can.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
