What should I do? H is talking about going out of town around the time the baby is due. The dates are his scheduling, he wouldn't have to go then. It would be so he could f-around with OW3 (the one who is married) who would be there at the same time.
I hate him.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hopper, I have no words that can ease your pain but know and trust that this pain will pass. Put him out of your mind!! Find strength at this time in those that you are close to. Do not be afraid to ask them to be there for you. We are here with you.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
what a selfish guy - aren't they all. Can you just ask him to be around? would it be too hard or too icky for you - or tipping your hand too much do you feel? this is just my gut reacting to this sitch-
it's such a giant and extreme circumstance in life -& sure not an everyday occurrence. I'm only thinking you have a right to think of yourself here and try to make it as best you can for you and baby and kids - - and if it is your wish for him to be around you sure have a right (imho) to ask for it. i don't pretend to know how he will react-
if it were me - i'd try requesting his presence - only to make myself feel like i had some "backup" out there - well, my usual old backup from olden days- and then deal again after baby is born with all the mlc, db, etc. stuff. (or something like this - if possible) i'd think one could put it on hold thru something like this- and resume the insanity- pain, worry, etc. later. could he "get" that?
if it fed his ego or whatever - i do not know about strategies - - i'm just thinking of you, thinkling of yourself and your own welfare, mentally and physically and kids too of course. you guys are still his family and he still has an obligation - i'd hope perhaps he'd feel too - if asked .-
I'm merely throwing in my 2 cents. i hope i'm not sounding pushy or bossy.
I have alot of sympathy for and with you- i hate him too. it's amazing to me how any people who ever had a shred of love or compassion in their hearts and minds (ever) could be soooo cold and callous and self-centered and ro tten to those they did love. where does their humanity go????.
this whole mlc of my h as well as teh entire universe out there in db land is such a sad awakening for me and maybe all of us. i had no idea in life - at all- tht people could be soooo hard and so totally self absorbed. i hate kn owing it now. if - it hurts to think about man's crueity and inhumanity to each other.
oh well huh- after saying that what is there left? i guess I "get" the need for religion when i think about this stuff. in such a mean and senseless world - a person sure could need to believe in something good - or some overriding kind diety out there or some darn "plan" - something, anything.
i am so sorry for your pain and your sitch and that you find yourself even having to feel or say this junk.
i wish i had more than just words to share-
we're all out here - i'll continue to read along- good luck with this- ((( )))
now that i think further- if he is unwilling to accomodate you on this- have you got some people - friend, relatives to be able to consider your backup so you feel you'll have support if he flakes out?
i didn't mean to sound all pushy about it- when i submitted it- i then felt "who the heck do I THINK I AM? ANYWAY?" he could really do anhything and i don't know this guy at all.
what in the world does my opinion count for anyway? oh well -
i feel like a jerk now, thiss is the worst part of this mlc junk - our "rock" in life is gone or sinking fast. all of us -
It's THE WORST PART - FOR ALL OF US. i think this is the real problem with being in a sitch like yours and others that are or could be hair raising-
we feel alone - i've wondered if that's the overtone of all tragic events in our lives- that no matter what, who, is there or is going on- WE FEEL all ALONE AND THAT is awful - because nothing anyone can do (other than the one we want) is "enough" but we're forced to swallow it.
anyway- i hope you're hanging in there okay today - you can and will conquer this ALL one way or the other - you've come a long long way in a rather short-ish time - but you sound like you have alot of inner strength and belief in your convictions.
What I want to do is when he tells me he is going, I'll just say no. You need to be here for the kids during that time. But if he protests, saying that he has to because work requires it, that's when it gets iffy. What I feel like saying is I doubt that. Sorry work is not going to require you to travel after a baby is born. What I want to say is someday you will wake up from all of this covered in regrets. And the last regret you should have is walking out on me and the kids when we needed you most and using that time to do things that will hurt us even more.
What I want to do? Call the OW's husband. Call H's boss, who likely doesn't even know I'm pregnant. Patience [censored]. Sitting back and watching my H strapped to a bomb [censored].
It would be so nice is if OWH found out. I really do feel bad for him and their little one.
This betrayal, if it goes through will cut deepest of all. I know he doesn't care about me or the kids right now. His actions show that. I do have a lot of people around me to help. It sad seeing everyone else picking up pieces for him.
H called me the other night at midnight. I was nearly asleep and just let it go. But when he started calling over and over, I thought something was wrong and answered it. He wondered if he woke me and I said yes. He said he needed XYZ from the house for tomorrow and if he should come now or in the morning. I said it didn't matter just let me know so I wasn't freaked out by the door opening at this time. He said maybe he should come then just to do that. He wondered if the boys would be upset if he came then and didn't see him. I said I don't think they'd be bothered. (Very true. The kids don't ask about him anymore.) So that part of the convo must have taken 5 mins for him to decide to come in the morning. Then he wanted to talk about other things. Then he wanted me to tell him where to go get something to eat. The only suggestion I made is something not greasy at that hour. He was kind of flirty and a lot of jokey with me. Something I said made him really laugh. This is so different for me. I feel like I have two of him that I'm dealing with and I'm not being honest with either one.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
holy cow - are you right about being several people who "are not the real you" to several hims that are not the real him.
thisi s the kind of feeling that does make me believe mwd and her books and philosophy that they are immersed in some sort of insanity. and that is truly what it seems to me- like schizophrenia or anything else that renders a person totally not themselves (had a bit of experience with this in real life) - SO IT SCARES the pants off me- dealing with people's minds that are sick.
it truly still is hard form e to deal with- most ofme sees them as who they (are) were - and deals like that. another part realizes it's not them at all- and i go ahead like you and act as i 'THINK i shoudl be". this crap of having "strategy" is a kller- it exhausts me because sometimes i then rethink and rethink what he said- what i said, etc.
i am (1.75 yr or so after finding out REALLY the truth of my sitch (after years of wondering what is going on with him but thinking he was "true" ) - - and what is really going on with my h (ow, etc) and just feeling a bit better in general - in the days about not feeling the excruciating pain allll the time - of the betrayal, etc. - sometimes i do feel detached and it's good - my own take is that mentall we become too exhausted to "fight it" any more. hence the acceptance and, what? i'm not so sure about total detachment because then we wouldn't be here doing this - or trying like mad anyway. ANYWAY- i sure appreciate your disgust and thinking and thinknig about how your h will wake up someday with regrets -
i can't even believe it - i think maybe it's like (them) waking up from a dream and the dream disappears. that the torture is all our pain - and they just forget it because it wasn't them feeling it - the really bad stuff. i could be wrong- everyone says our h's are in pain. maybe they are- i don't have faith in their sensitivity in general. to be able to inflict this all on someone that loves them- well, it says something big abuot their heart i guess. oh well- someday i'll find out what the real bottom line is- until then -
i dread "the end" ; i dread it staying like this; and i don't seem to have any realistic hope for my old h "coming back" - then i wonder about my own sanity or intelligence and lack of backbone - (it's the old - wake up- take a stand woman - right or wrong- DO SOMETHING.) so far -ihaven't except this.
you sound stronger today about this- isn't it amazing and sad and creepy the things we "swallow" and move past - well, deal with or contemplate dealing with. i am continually amazed - and probably shouldn't be.
your h sounds like mine - i act and react the same alot of the time- i hate myself sometimes for not being more 'straight" - it's something i like about myself - kind but honest. i guess the case for their "confusion" that mwd says is overriding inmlc - it's alot to assume or be asked to assume - that they truly don't know what they're doing or what they want.
I get the feeling that depending on what my h is doing or planning to do - he checks in and is nice to (what?) see if i'm firmly in place in his life so he can go do whatever and feel "secure" about me being there - where i always am?
i don't honestly know which is better - to notpick up the phone and let him wonder - or be the "lighthouse" if he wants to come back - per dawnmarie (btw - you should go look at her posts - she's my good buddy- has an amazinghly wieird scene going on - displaying amazing strength of spirit & sanity coping- it continually suprises and fortifies me to hear you and her and everyone moving thru their own journeys here- all loaded with pain and confusion and insanityu (and a heck of alot of injustice) at the hands of some misguided - selfish nutball (my h for one).
anyway i continue to be the lighthouse here- somedays i want to just shut the lite off- some how my gut says leave it on one more day. i honestly do not know ifi'm right or wrong- flying blind like this really makes me wonder about humannature and my own brain alot- yet i blindly continue forward with it- i don't even feel big hope about it- i don't feel too much faith anymore in this guy even being a good person- i just am becoming as confused as he apparently is.
question is- at the endf of the day- will there be two new people in our respective places that want toknow orlove or have anything to do with that other different person.
that is how i feel-old guy is dead (or who i thought he ws) somehow lovely memories & ties exist - can't seem to cut them just now- don't know if they are shackling me to an old dream & dead (big) bird here- have not one clue of how it WILL REALLY turn out-
yet, lplunging forward like it or not
hang in there- ((((( ))))) wish i coul be around and extend a comraderly hug in person- i have never -
I think your H is so scared of everything right now. Including losing you.
How are you doing? What's going on for you this week? Is there any progress on plans for who will be with you at this baby's birth?
Thinking of you, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey rH! Hopefully a girls night out and definitely a massage and out to dinner with the boys and my parents one night so far. In August I told H that he is the only one I wanted there for the birth. We haven't talked about it since. I don't doubt he will be there, but I have my mom and lots of others wanted to be there if he bails.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
glad to hear you sound abit philosophical and "better". yay...
glad to hear either h will be there for birth or have bunch of support.
strong little you- yay for activities that get you out- it's hard isn't it- even WANTING to go out and have fun and gal- oh well- fingers crossed THAT IT KEE[PS getting easier and easier in general - in life to do it.
just ch3eckng in- sos w me - usual tangle of feelings up and down- sometimes i realize i feel creative and laugh more , so thinking somehow i'm crawling out of thi9s abyss? fingers crossed - don't wantt o go being too optimistic. maybe in the end- we just begin tobounce back to who we were before h came along and changed our lives, changed our outlooks, etc.
i h ope so too - i can hardly remember beign free single fun person who laughed "toomuch" according to my mother. GEEEZ- IS THERE SUCH A THING as laughing too much?
mayube i've allowed the downer jerks around me to suck me down to their level- God know2s i have ne3ver been able to make any of them quitre as light hearted or able to see the funny side- this business of hanging round with "mirthless" people is bad-
onwrd and upward today- life is good- xxoo (( )) hope you're feeling well phyusically & mentally and enjoying every little pleasure and child insight your boys have to give. lucky you...
