I said no, you don't get to stomp your foot and tell me what I will accept, you will not lord over me, you choose to have your one unexceptable friend in exchange for all 5 of us so you live in the face of that decision and I will not allow you to bring it around me, or my family.
your h is as deluded as mine (i suspect all this- and now you confirm it) i am serious- i suspect and i believe this is exactly what my h thinks and thinks is "going on" and once he said "you can get used to anything" - uh hem- that is I am the one who has to get used to thigns - not him at all.
they are so nuts- your h sounds sooooomuch like mine. all relieved- all going on as usual - allllll nuts and acting like he is unaware totally (can they really really be soooo deluded at this time that they believe they do get to have it all scott free???? ? i think (against all reason on their part) they really really do) that he is allowing you to "change" and slip away- little by little and keep himself happily deluded and geting his fix of , what? youth, purpose, INSANITY... (no kidding) (i even am losing compassion for them as i say it out loud- it's soo destructive to so many) how can they even exist and force it on people who love them and cause such hurt andl ive with themselves. sorry- it's a decision like any other. in the end- ya pay - one wayor the other way- ya pay..
one time i told h - "what is going on here is one thing alone. i am not "getting used" to anyt5ing- you are little by little changing my heart and i am merely waiting for the morning when i wake up and feel like life with you is way worse than without. that is all-just waiting to feel like i hate you - because i'm not doing anyting better at the moment".
his response, "boy, that's hard". wtf???? he apparently doesn't think anyone has feelings in there but him. your h too it sounds like. this is what i mean about mwd and that darn book - picking it up- it making sense and being accurate. i still can't justify it or not somehow "blame" their lack of integrity on something else (even insanity sometimes)...
where the heck does that leave US???? BEING understanding in face of awful treatment - as we've done for along long time and a waaay toooo long time in life - it's always too long a time if you're the guy on the receiving end. i mean- it truly is being jailed for a crime you didn't commit. is it ever okay??? is it ever a manageable amount of time to endure it????/ no no and no again.
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If she is regarded as so important because she saved your life from suicide that you will be friends with her no matter who it hurts, then you have chosen her. You have put her above all else! Every time you go there, answer that phone, call her, you have made the dision that she is most important.
oh GOD - us exactly- me exactly - it so big and sso awful i feel like only one in universe - and yet, there you are - saying that - my feelings exactly...
i could copy and past your entire post- i feel exactly the same - imean it too - i also find myself thinking in bed last nite i don't really want to spend the rest of my life feeling second fiddle and spendingl ife with someone sending me the message "she comes first".
truly- i don't know if they're too stupid to see it- too self-absorbed ?? that they can only see the good intentions in themselves and totally block out the pain they cause - or plain old living in a delusional state and truly like mental illness of a sort-
i don't care too much to be honest what causes it- i'm like you- mending, trying to get into mindset of being on own- soon. it's all we can do- everyone tells me same thing- i believe it- that one day way will be clear and i will take it.
AS FAR AS YOUR LAST QUERY-
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Does that make sense...it's a twisted game he's playing...so far I have not taken the bait. Please tell me what you think here! It feels like manipulation, even though he will loose, unless that's when he's going to say, NO! Humm! just thought of that one!
WITH THIS observation on your part- i think yes, it is a twisted game. I have not taken the bait either because i keep stopping myself from "just doing it" - i think for a couple reasons when i'm lucid about it and honest with myself.- i'd assume you have a similar set of things in place that keep you from just - DOING IT.
(THO, with you, he would have the upheaval of moving - that's huge to stop him i'd think. my h has his own house in place - what stops him? HONESTLY- IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME THEY PLAY- EITHER by design or insanity. .) so- here's my list of why i don't walk out today- (will it keep me tomorrow? God nly knows - every single thing in my life seems up for grabs) if i keep my lid on or not.
1) foremost - mentally/emotionally i'm still not "ready" to go it alone (unless forced by him) - because of who i am and what i think i need in life (i'm really a pack animal -no mistaking it) i know this about me- i just have no other pack of my very own at this moment in time).
3) becasue of the support with my mom- even my sisters are usually Not there WHEN I need help with or about her. i feel soo resentful and on my own & mad all the time. - he helps me with it and her. - i'd say his rotten ole ruse to keep me dangling - but i get pretty desperate feeling and he takes over and it's help - no matter what the nature or what the cost - better than zero. (even tho i know he probably then gets to pat himself on back for being nice guy and humane guy, etc.(he only fools himeself- not me) i let him think what he will- i will never tip my hand any more about what's up with me...
4) financially too - this is huge - you'd think it's the first & biggest thing- but honestly- i'm still having trouble letting go of notion of love. what we "are" to each other. it's something or he'd have chucked my butt out long long ago- i'd think. or i'd have walked out long before now.
no matter how i twist it or turn it- something is still tieing us- you too - one day we'll either feel the tie snap - or something else . don't know what- why or when. BUT IT'S THERE- IT'S BIG- WE'RE NOT ABLE to lable it- but we both know it's there (whateverthehell it is)
5) pride maybe - i keep thinking i can not allow myself to "be defeated" by this- so i fight on- i'mn ot sure if tht is my own insanity- pride- whatever. don't even care anynmore- just notice in passing i hate admitting defeat- might be a fool...
6) last but not least - habit i guess. we've been big part of each other's lives soooooo long. i feel part of his family and he mine. i have a life worth of junk in his fl house ( i still dread packing & what to do with it all - even what i don't want) BIG DREAD) - I GET lonely all alone. even not having him there- but "knowing he's there" is SOMETHING - i have to remind myself to not get all brave or foolhardy when he's here in my face - it seems like alone is better sometimes. it isn't - being alone alot in nj is stinking awful andlonely. it's better- i find activities and friends to see- IT'S STILL ALONE - AND ALONE is a big big adjustment.
if i had another love in the wings - i wonder ifallll of the above would not matter - i just don't know answer to that.
somebody - maybe mr bond or someone said back in beginning- it's for better or worse. thissi the worse. i don't know how long that means we "do' thigs= i don't know mostly everything- nor do you.
we're just soft hearted - screwed around - loving women. we cannot know it all- or most - or what is "supposed" to happen or us do-
MY GUT says "float along still - as long as can humanly stand it. maybe this is what she means by we'll know we gave it every single chance in universe if it all ends anyway- or you'll send message to your children that love is not to be tossed away quickly or "without a fight". I SWEAR I DON'TK NOW.
HEY - ALSO - this business of "handing over your life to someone else without a fight" - somehow it still resonates with me. i don't even know what the heck - but it does. i still find myself thinking WHY SHOULD I MAKE IT EASY ON HIM-
i think my H has no guts to end it completely- he fools himself into thinking like your h that it can be both ways. they do not know us - maybe it's good or bad. i don't think "knowing" will alter them or their actions. it's just an unfortunate truth that they will either wise up or kill whatever we feel for them. an end will come one way or the other way- so like dying- do we spend every day waiting to die?????? or just try and find something worthwhile in each day to keep us floating forward?
