Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

So. H emailed me yesterday:
---
What do u think about all of us going to WV for ATV touring over Spring Break?

I don't think anything in WV will be too expensive and we can stay however many days we want.
---

After some consideration of how much I am done pretending, and tired of everyone else acting like nothing happened, and how H doesn't speak anything of meaning he just acts like he can just come and go and do stuff for and with us until we all agree he's just a good guy who couldn't be married to me.... I realized the much bigger problem right now is the rift growing between him and S15, and I can't fix that but I can help where it's appropriate.

I can't promise S15 will go, or will be nice when he gets there, but I know for a fact that if I'm going, we're all going. If I don't go S15 will put up a lot more resistance and most likely not go. I know that.

So I responded:
---
S15 has lacrosse practice Monday and Tuesday of spring break. I can ask the kids if they want to do that. I will go if it facilitates the kids spending time with you, but would recommend it being just a couple or few days.
---

S12's response was "sure, I like ATVs."
S15's response was "I'll stay home. I don't want to go."

I was in the car with just S15 so I said, S15, I think it is important, FOR YOU, to try at least once in a while, to spend some time doing something fun with Dad. It's really important.

He said, "I don't want to go. I want to see my friends for spring break. It'll be boring."

I said, it's not all of the week, and also, if you want to you can bring a friend. S15 is getting agitated. He said, I'll have lunch with him or something instead. I pointed out that his dad probably thinks that if he invited S15 to lunch he would say no. S15 said, yeah, I would.

I said, look, it's a month away, we don't have to decide yes or no right now. We will talk more about it and I promise I will listen to you. I promise that.

I can see that H is trying, in the only way I've ever seen him try, to connect. He does stuff, that's all he ever does. Something he thinks will be cool so the kids will want to go if only for the cool factor. Unfortunately S15 is at an age where the fact that it was your dad's idea and he's going too, eliminates any possible cool factor.

I could say, look, it's a family trip and you're going and that's that. I'm sure that's what most people would do. I'm sure S15 has been spoiled by being given so much latitude so far on what he has to go to and what he gets to stay home from. I just parent with all the knowledge that I collected as a kid, and I was forced and told what to do and not do and learned my opinion didn't matter and my feelings were useless, so shut up, fold your arms, put on your mad face and sit there and be a part of this family. I would really like to do better for this boy who's old enough to understand what the point is and make some choices himself.