Still Confused Beyond Belief...part 2

[adinva]

Tig, I really appreciate your words of affirmation! That's my thing. I really love learning and have always had a kind of hobby in psychology and relationships. That is why I thought I was so good at understanding and dealing with my H! That is why I thought my marriage was so well chosen and solid! I was so ignorant. But I'm open to learning and I really laid myself bare after the bomb and have been working hard ever since. Many of the ideas that formed the foundations of my life were not as right or healthy as I thought. I'm still learning, and practicing every single minute of every day. And I have a really amazingly great IC.

But I'm just sharing with you stuff I have been told that helped me be productive in my grief, because there are similarities in us. I'm so glad you find it useful.

There are two things I studied that I recommend again and again. Pia Mellody's cd set called "Boundaries" which seems like it wouldn't be for us and then it really is. It's very remedial information that will fill in some gaps about why you think it's ok to suppress your own needs, and what would happen if you didn't. And Sven Wahlroos's Family Communication, which is just plain interesting, but also shows how you can get shut down or even give up trying to communicate what you need to your own spouse. That one you may not even get as much out of but if you ever can get your hands on the cd set it would be worth a listen. I actually didn't really get how it applied to me until the second listen.

Tig, this is a terrible awful thing. There is NO excuse for your h and your friend. But there it is. It can happen and you suffer or it can happen and you grow, your pick.