Gonna be different now, (butterfly in hurricane).

[25yearsmlc]

brilliant post Ad...really.

What she said^^^^!!!

[movingon-1968]

Quotes from several posts here...

As for the GU syndrome, she often refers to how she had to take care of the baby by herself, and whines about me not having been interested. Heck, she had 6 months of maternity leave. She stayed home all day with the baby. I was working during the day like a madman, and understandably had less energy in the evening to play bah bah bah with the baby. Ok, I should have made the effort, and tried to make monkey faces at S, or changed his diaper. But I didn't and it's too late now, what is done is done, no need to recall how she had to carry all the weight of motherhood on her all the time. (I know 25yearsmic, it was a critical time of her life, I know..) And consider her motherhood above my fatherhood.

I can't even believe I just read that. Bruce, as a man, I'd like to say that's the most selfish and self-righteous thing I've read in recent memory. You have no clue how hard mothers with a newborn have it - I've worked 18 - 20 hour days and still came home each night to give my W a break, even for a few minutes - and I still wasn't as tried as she was. Newborn baby, house work, laundry, etc... It's a never ending job.

Heck, she had 6 months of maternity leave. She stayed home all day with the baby. I was working during the day like a madman, and understandably had less energy in the evening to play bah bah bah with the baby.

What you refuse to get is THAT IS THE POINT!!! You were not there for her or your son, apparently. Paying the bill is simply not enough!! And now you want cry about it and expect sympathy with comments like that?! I'm beginning to wonder if your sitch is real or if you're just trying to spin the good people on this board up...

You admit you weren't there, yet you refuse to see the simple truth that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SITUATION. You REFUSE to accept accountability and until you do that, you will never have a chance at even a decent R with your STBXW.

Apparently, either thru cultural differences or personal choice, you have chosen not to understand these simple facts...

In fact in her first petition, it was all about S. She was asking 100% of time with S, and none for me. We replied to that petition, everybody remembers.

Do you know how to take care of your son? Have you taken any parenting classes? Your own words earlier in the thread suggest some level of neglect or even ineptitude on your part.

When she understood that some time would be granted to me, and eventually 50-50%, she amended her petition, in fact three days before the hearing, and added the spousal support thing, as a "retaliation".

It's doubtful retaliation is her motive, though, if you are truly anything like you appear to be here, I might accept that. The more likely explanation is that her lawyer convinced her that she is entitled to that, as was stated above. You seem to take every thing she/her lawyer does as a personal attack. Both appear, to me, to be looking out for her and her son's best interest - I can find no fault on their part.

She didn't do it because she needs money, she stays at her parents! She doesn't pay rent or childcare.

That's a pretty arrogant, and might I say, ignorant statement. How do you know what her expenses are? Have you actually read and understood her financial declaration (I don't know if it's necessary where you are at, but, where I live both sides are required to submit a financial declaration). And do you think she plans on staying there forever?

So, I'm not the stingy one here. She is intent in hitting me in the nose, until I bleed and ask her to make an arrangement Son versus money. (like she tried with her crappy deal dropping the divorce against my time with S).

Every time you try to make a point, you end up trying to insult her and make yourself out to be the victim - you really need to stop that and own up to your part in the failure of your M. You've tried to state you have owned up to it, but, you keep attacking your W in your angry posts and claim to be the victim.

Want to know who I see as the victim here? Your son. He's caught in a battle between two angry parents. One is angry because she was in an unfulfilled M to you; and you are angry for... whatever reason you are.

Seek professional help.

While I was still in France, she said several times for me to stay there. Is she secretly hoping that by making it hard on me I will give up and go back?

She may well have meant just that - stay away. That she is so angry and resentful of you that she doesn't want to see you, talk to you, or hear from you.

How do I handle this very angry and resentful woman?

Give her what the courts say you must. Get some anger management counselling - you appear to need it. Learn some humility - you appear to need that also. From what I've seen, she has every reason to be angry and resentful.

But above all else, you need to STOP trying to read her mind, STOP trying to apply logic and STOP trying make sense of any of this. There are issues with YOU that others have mentioned as a starting point so YOU can begin to heal.

Until you start working to fix those, all you are going to be is angry and resentful which is unhealthy and unnecessary.

[MrBond]

Control your pride.

[theUF]

You know, when/if you ask yourself why a huge group of random people can't see your side of things, it might be time to look inwards instead of outwards. In this case I'd say it's long overdue.

Seriously, you sound worse of than at the beginning of your sitch. I assume the recent events have triggered a negative respons in you, but with lawyers/courts and your daily life at stake, this is the time to keep your cool man.

[25yearsmlc]

just as an FYI, the "Golden Uterus" referred to is NOT applicable here.

That is a syndrome in which the mother feels that ONLY SHE can make choices re the child and it's solely based on her giving birth to it, and she does NOT invite involvement by others at all, in fact she resents it. There's more to it but in a nutshell, that's it.

Bruce's wife experienced the opposite. She WANTED his involvement, but he did not give it. She discussed things with him in France but he wasn't able to hear the importance of her words, or they did not matter enough. He only recently learned of the two medical conditions his son has. She's been dealing with it 24/7 for 2 years.

HE is the one who wanted the baby but found the infant uninteresting (at best) and after all, HE was tired after "working like a madman".

No, he was Not too tired not to go out twice at night during the week for his recreational interests, which she never got to do, but hey, she got 'time off" just for having a baby! "All day" she got to spend with an infant. How easy can life get????

Anyhow, okay I don't want to negatively spiral out now. I just wanted to point out how inapplicable the GU issue is in this case. And to give insight into what it's about.

[Big Bruce]

Alright, you've convinced me.
I'm going for counselling with a different counsellor next week or the week after.
I have too much anger at the moment, and when I think of W, I have a knot in the stomach. This can'T be good.

I don't get it, how life got me here. When I look outside and it's -20C, and I think it's not so bad today, something went wrong.

So, I called my L, and explained not so calmnly that W refused to drop or pick up S. And what we could now. Awaiting for his answer.

I also replied to W, saying that if she didn't want to make good to me for the time she taking S out of my visitation schedule, I wouldn't argue but it denoted her unability to cooperate. (Maybe I shouldn't have been "accusing").
I also said it didn't have to be always confrontational, and since we'Re allowed to change the court order by mutual agreement it implied communication, good faith and collaboration. (try to appeal to her good side...)

Of course I'll pay what I owe, and every month what I was ordered to. But in my head it's like written permission to leave me.
Unconsciously she thinks, it's awesome, I kick H out, and get paid to do it.
I don't know, maybe it's over simplicistic, but I get money as a reward for work, not for crap I do. And to me, leaving your spouse is wrong.

Anyways, I'll see what the counsellor says, I don't recognize myself these past few days. I don't know if C will be able to salvage anything in me now.

Bonsoir,
B.

[25yearsmlc]

Alright, you've convinced me.
I'm going for counselling with a different counsellor next week or the week after.
I have too much anger at the moment, and when I think of W, I have a knot in the stomach. This can'T be good.

I'm glad you are seeing a different counselor if the first one has only indulged your anger.

I don't get it, how life got me here. When I look outside and it's -20C, and I think it's not so bad today, something went wrong.

Bruce, I lived in Alaska for 4 LONG winters, and H would have lived there forever if he'd found the right job situation OR not decided he missed us too much.

I get how cold that is. In Alaska it's also dark for most of the hours of the day, until about now. It's too bad your w did not like France more. I'm sure you regret not making it more pleasant for her. Maybe someday it will be better to her, or maybe your son will later be able to travel there with you.

So, I called my L, and explained not so calmnly that W refused to drop or pick up S. And what we could now. Awaiting for his answer.

That's ^^ fine.

I also replied to W, saying that if she didn't want to make good to me for the time she taking S out of my visitation schedule, I wouldn't argue but it denoted her unability to cooperate. (Maybe I shouldn't have been "accusing").


OF COURSE YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THIS^^^!!! but then, you know that already.

ALL of us just told you not to contact her. You finally had the chance to show her a NON angry Bruce...but noooo you could not resist the chance to show her your annoyance. What did you gain by that? (NOTHING).

You ignore our advice A LOT and then complain when things don't go your way.

Why would she think you have changed one bit?



I also said it didn't have to be always confrontational, and since we'Re allowed to change the court order by mutual agreement it implied communication, good faith and collaboration. (try to appeal to her good side...)

I'm not even pretending that^^ can compensate for your earlier words...and we're not going to pretend it was HER being confrontational...

Of course I'll pay what I owe, and every month what I was ordered to. But in my head it's like written permission to leave me.
Unconsciously she thinks, it's awesome, I kick H out, and get paid to do it.
I don't know, maybe it's over simplicistic, but I get money as a reward for work, not for crap I do. And to me, leaving your spouse is wrong.

this stubborn pattern^^ of thought & assignment of blame, and score keeping--are all things for you to work on with your new c.

I wish you luck Bruce. I really do.

Anyways, I'll see what the counsellor says, I don't recognize myself these past few days. I don't know if C will be able to salvage anything in me now.

Bonsoir,
B.

[Big Bruce]

Hi,
I know I haven't treated my wife the right way, granting her honor as I should have.
The whole household rested on me, to be the leader, the example, to be a kind, patient and understanding husband. And I haven't been none of it.
Before trying to take the speck out of her eye, I should have taken the log out of mine.

So for the driving issue, I replied today that during our meeting, thank you for sharing and I concurred with all her concerns. She agreed to share the driving so the effort wouldn't be borne by one only, and that was appreciated.
I didn't want to stand in her way but since she promised I expected her to do some driving.
I said I trusted her to do what's fair, because I knew her from her past life. And that I was sure she would do what she believed to be right for me and Bruce.

I'm dropping off my rights and my anger. I'm so tired of being always disputing and strife, that I'd rather be wronged than having to put up with another quarrel.

I know that being nice and conciliatory doesn't work with W, but I'm doing this to have peace.
And above all peace of mind, so I could sleep and work during the day, rather than thinking whether or how W would retaliate.

Yes she's taking all my money, yes she escaped with my son and manipulated me in promising I would be able to be with them and that was a lie. But if she sues me and want to have my shirt, she can have my cloak also.
I will dismiss my L, and tell my wife I'd rather be defrauded than fight against her. I'm already defeated by going to court with her.
I'll tell her I don't agree with D, but that I won't contest it. I don't blame her for that, and only trust that she will that what's just. I won't open my mouth to defend myself. It's useless, I may obtain this and that, but I'll lose her.

The only thing I'll cling to, is my S. We've become buddies now, and I really want to shield him from this mess.
Bruce

[MrBond]

"I'd rather be wronged than having to put up with another quarrel."
"I know that being nice and conciliatory doesn't work with W, but I'm doing this to have peace."
"Yes she's taking all my money, yes she escaped with my son and manipulated me in promising I would be able to be with them and that was a lie. But if she sues me and want to have my shirt, she can have my cloak also."

Gee I didn't realize you were such a martyr. Unbelievable. In all honesty, I am beginning to feel ashamed that I encouraged you to get more time with your son. It's obvious you still refuse to stop being an @$$.

"and I really want to shield him from this mess."

No now I'm beginning to see that your W is right in shielding he from you and your attitudes. You're definitely not the right role model for your son right now. IMHO.

[adinva]

That was a very childish post. You refuse to do even the simplest things that are suggested, such as counteroffer if you really think from a legal perspective you're not getting a fair settlement. You refuse to open your mind in the slightest to what people have been consistently, continually, trying to tell you about developing empathy for your W. It's your way or the highway, all or nothing, what you want or poor you you'll cave in and sulk.

I really think the level of cruelty coming out in some of the responses is just desperation to get you to wake up Bruce. There is a chance for you to think differently and you're not taking it.