Journaling Over the last two days H and I have cried...he welled up we'll say....me over everything, him over God, we had a meal together, we sat in the same room for hours and looked at each other in the eyes as we spoke.
This is more than we've done in 3 months! I was so warn out I had him massage my hands, (he actually touched me) as I turned away to go to my room he got up, gave me some water and an Advil in bed, turned off the light as he said goodnight!
I am truly living with an alien who is visiting from his mothership. He said he's going nowhere, we're not breaking up this M, and I am to continue standing as he maintains his self-loth and spiritual battle, oh and he want to be left alone.
Well, ok then! Really? How about I just take a long bath and not dwell on his words tonight anymore! He even stayed home from work tonight, not sure what that's about, going to get those bubbles ready, and search for my sanity!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Keep your very sane mental attitude going- it sure did sound exhausting. you sound very darn good for having gone thru an intense "conversation" like that and come out so chilled. i can't believe it ends soo - well, equivocal. so stay- but let him fling around floating allover the place-
talk about being a lighthouse - you truly are and he even acknowledges it.
i wonder - it's all so crazy - what their little voice in their head is teling them. Where the heck does a person turn when the "little voice" can't be relied upon? i wonder about my little voice- if i've been soooo wrong for soooo long.
some days i think anything is possible- some days total defeat -
now that i wonder what is in h's head- i'm not going there.
take care and hope your day is good. wouldn't it be something if the mother ship sucked them allllll up simultaneously?
after meeting that old buddy at the doll show and her sharing her "story" (like ours) - i hae to wonder how very many women go thru this stuff and never say a peep to another living soul - go thru it all alone- come to the same conclusions? this is second person i know who went thru and managed to come out other side with marriage intact-
combination of waiting it out- nothing bettter to do- faith in their own love and guy being worth it-
i wonder why i have such doubts about him and his ability to be anything like i thought he was.
oh well- i'm outta here- allover the place and nothing lucid other than
thinkin about you- keep the faith you are sure having major strength of character and lucidity in face of constantly changing set of circumstances. i think my sitch is confusing then listen to you- i can't imagine how hard it is - you're doing great i think if a very hard time ....
Nero.....hi! Sorry to hear your all over the place...believe me I am too I just keep it at bay and let it come out in little at a time so I can squash it! I don't want to feel anything like I did last summer OMG! I can not handle that again!
Sun I had returned to that girl for a little bit but I was able to channel and then give it back to him. It felt good! Your right it did turn out interesting in the end!
Brb soon, h at the door!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I have been told over and over that I will know when I am done with my H and ready to let him know. Tonight I let him know, he answered his cell when it was ea, his reasoning is at least now everything is out in the open and he's not sneaking around. She is his friend...that's it and I have to deal! He was not nasty but very matter of fact!
I said no, you don't get to stomp your foot and tell me what I will accept, you will not lord over me, you choose to have your one unexceptable friend in exchange for all 5 of us so you live in the face of that decision and I will not allow you to bring it around me, or my family.
He said he's not choosing his friend in exchange for us, he's not loosing us. I said your the only one who doesn't see that this family has turned against you, your the only one who doesn't see that because of ea we will never be a family or heal or move ahead because of the sneaky disrespect, and lies you bring to this house everyday.
If she is regarded as so important because she saved your life from suicide that you will be friends with her no matter who it hurts, then you have chosen her. You have put her above all else! Every time you go there, answer that phone, call her, you have made the dision that she is most important.
He denies it....he says she's not most important, I am better and higher than her. I said, everyday you show me, that is a lie! Your actions undo every word that comes out of you mouth. I also said, "you have taught me to sit in my room alone, to warm myself up, to sooth my own wounds, to sleep alone, and to except that we are done"!
I am not a rock, and I will not live without L and attention, and I for sure will not sit here and endure you, talking and hanging out with ea come this spring and summer, when I could be moving forward with my family without the presence of your black cloud once you get home. If I, as you say, and this small house are reminders of your failures then get far away from here, go!
He came at me with, I don't have feeling like that for you anymore, almost jumping up and down he said this! I said I'm a loving, sexual person who's been left alone to learn how to forget about you, well mission accomplished. Your words of ILYBINILWY don't hurt me anymore, so nice try!
After all those go's, get out, go live with her comments, he still then looks at me and says I will have to ask him to leave. I thought I was just doing that!
I said, you just told me you don't need a mother, though she tells go home...go clean you basement for your wife...make sure you eat...drive safe...here's some gas money! Now you need me to what, be the bad guy so you can be the victim...all he says is no, it's because he doesn't want to move out, he's not going to volunteer.
Does he not hear the 9x within our conversation that I said go? Why does he need to say, then ask me, and hear it again? I feel challenged at that point as if he feels he is taking me just to the point of what...not going though with one finale "get out"? I don't like that challenge...I don't like feeling as if he is now one actually in charge, as if he is now "telling" me to make him leave!
Does that make sense...it's a twisted game he's playing...so far I have not taken the bait. Please tell me what you think here! It feels like manipulation, even though he will loose, unless that's when he's going to say, NO! Humm! just thought of that one!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
All h said was, where I am going to go? Not as a in a place but because this is his family, this is where he belongs and is needed. I don't have what it takes to force him out...I don't even know if I want to take it so far as to have to force him, because it then feels like I am taking it out of trusted hands. Why the hell do I have to follow my morals!
I can't win with this boundary. He gets to have his ea, his excuses, and I guess when business picks up and he's stuck in the city, his drop by place. His convictions that this is his family out of one side of his mouth, and he will risk his family to do what he has to do out the other side, is a battle I don't know how to fight.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wow, today H asked me what is the next phase h/we not sure, will be going through. I asked what did he mean, he said he can see the phases and this one too shall pass, so he'll just wait for the next one to see what we'll do about ea, moving out, moving in, who knows what, as he throws his hands up.
H was always a smart man, with lots of insight and he does see himself very clearly. FRom what I read the next phase is the several steps of acceptance. But, as who, as not-h, as semi H, as a$$whole, or a combination of many? That leaves, D, at the very least S, healing, new M, new R only w/out M?
I guess time will tell, I guess I'm still standing, he wants me to keep standing, why? He has said from the beginning to stand my ground! WHY? Does he know something I don't, maybe about himself?
At least I was out today and GAL with D19, and talked to outside family and friends all day! H stayed home doing chores! He can't find work right now so he's home alot, good time for me to work and leave him home alone.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wow, you really are an amazing woman, Dawn. Your strength and composure is really inspirational. You really are handling this crazy, insane situation in a way you should be proud of.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I said no, you don't get to stomp your foot and tell me what I will accept, you will not lord over me, you choose to have your one unexceptable friend in exchange for all 5 of us so you live in the face of that decision and I will not allow you to bring it around me, or my family.
your h is as deluded as mine (i suspect all this- and now you confirm it) i am serious- i suspect and i believe this is exactly what my h thinks and thinks is "going on" and once he said "you can get used to anything" - uh hem- that is I am the one who has to get used to thigns - not him at all.
they are so nuts- your h sounds sooooomuch like mine. all relieved- all going on as usual - allllll nuts and acting like he is unaware totally (can they really really be soooo deluded at this time that they believe they do get to have it all scott free???? ? i think (against all reason on their part) they really really do) that he is allowing you to "change" and slip away- little by little and keep himself happily deluded and geting his fix of , what? youth, purpose, INSANITY... (no kidding) (i even am losing compassion for them as i say it out loud- it's soo destructive to so many) how can they even exist and force it on people who love them and cause such hurt andl ive with themselves. sorry- it's a decision like any other. in the end- ya pay - one wayor the other way- ya pay..
one time i told h - "what is going on here is one thing alone. i am not "getting used" to anyt5ing- you are little by little changing my heart and i am merely waiting for the morning when i wake up and feel like life with you is way worse than without. that is all-just waiting to feel like i hate you - because i'm not doing anyting better at the moment".
his response, "boy, that's hard". wtf???? he apparently doesn't think anyone has feelings in there but him. your h too it sounds like. this is what i mean about mwd and that darn book - picking it up- it making sense and being accurate. i still can't justify it or not somehow "blame" their lack of integrity on something else (even insanity sometimes)...
where the heck does that leave US???? BEING understanding in face of awful treatment - as we've done for along long time and a waaay toooo long time in life - it's always too long a time if you're the guy on the receiving end. i mean- it truly is being jailed for a crime you didn't commit. is it ever okay??? is it ever a manageable amount of time to endure it????/ no no and no again.
Quote:
If she is regarded as so important because she saved your life from suicide that you will be friends with her no matter who it hurts, then you have chosen her. You have put her above all else! Every time you go there, answer that phone, call her, you have made the dision that she is most important.
oh GOD - us exactly- me exactly - it so big and sso awful i feel like only one in universe - and yet, there you are - saying that - my feelings exactly...
i could copy and past your entire post- i feel exactly the same - imean it too - i also find myself thinking in bed last nite i don't really want to spend the rest of my life feeling second fiddle and spendingl ife with someone sending me the message "she comes first".
truly- i don't know if they're too stupid to see it- too self-absorbed ?? that they can only see the good intentions in themselves and totally block out the pain they cause - or plain old living in a delusional state and truly like mental illness of a sort-
i don't care too much to be honest what causes it- i'm like you- mending, trying to get into mindset of being on own- soon. it's all we can do- everyone tells me same thing- i believe it- that one day way will be clear and i will take it.
AS FAR AS YOUR LAST QUERY-
Quote:
Does that make sense...it's a twisted game he's playing...so far I have not taken the bait. Please tell me what you think here! It feels like manipulation, even though he will loose, unless that's when he's going to say, NO! Humm! just thought of that one!
WITH THIS observation on your part- i think yes, it is a twisted game. I have not taken the bait either because i keep stopping myself from "just doing it" - i think for a couple reasons when i'm lucid about it and honest with myself.- i'd assume you have a similar set of things in place that keep you from just - DOING IT.
(THO, with you, he would have the upheaval of moving - that's huge to stop him i'd think. my h has his own house in place - what stops him? HONESTLY- IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME THEY PLAY- EITHER by design or insanity. .) so- here's my list of why i don't walk out today- (will it keep me tomorrow? God nly knows - every single thing in my life seems up for grabs) if i keep my lid on or not.
1) foremost - mentally/emotionally i'm still not "ready" to go it alone (unless forced by him) - because of who i am and what i think i need in life (i'm really a pack animal -no mistaking it) i know this about me- i just have no other pack of my very own at this moment in time).
3) becasue of the support with my mom- even my sisters are usually Not there WHEN I need help with or about her. i feel soo resentful and on my own & mad all the time. - he helps me with it and her. - i'd say his rotten ole ruse to keep me dangling - but i get pretty desperate feeling and he takes over and it's help - no matter what the nature or what the cost - better than zero. (even tho i know he probably then gets to pat himself on back for being nice guy and humane guy, etc.(he only fools himeself- not me) i let him think what he will- i will never tip my hand any more about what's up with me...
4) financially too - this is huge - you'd think it's the first & biggest thing- but honestly- i'm still having trouble letting go of notion of love. what we "are" to each other. it's something or he'd have chucked my butt out long long ago- i'd think. or i'd have walked out long before now.
no matter how i twist it or turn it- something is still tieing us- you too - one day we'll either feel the tie snap - or something else . don't know what- why or when. BUT IT'S THERE- IT'S BIG- WE'RE NOT ABLE to lable it- but we both know it's there (whateverthehell it is)
5) pride maybe - i keep thinking i can not allow myself to "be defeated" by this- so i fight on- i'mn ot sure if tht is my own insanity- pride- whatever. don't even care anynmore- just notice in passing i hate admitting defeat- might be a fool...
6) last but not least - habit i guess. we've been big part of each other's lives soooooo long. i feel part of his family and he mine. i have a life worth of junk in his fl house ( i still dread packing & what to do with it all - even what i don't want) BIG DREAD) - I GET lonely all alone. even not having him there- but "knowing he's there" is SOMETHING - i have to remind myself to not get all brave or foolhardy when he's here in my face - it seems like alone is better sometimes. it isn't - being alone alot in nj is stinking awful andlonely. it's better- i find activities and friends to see- IT'S STILL ALONE - AND ALONE is a big big adjustment.
if i had another love in the wings - i wonder ifallll of the above would not matter - i just don't know answer to that.
somebody - maybe mr bond or someone said back in beginning- it's for better or worse. thissi the worse. i don't know how long that means we "do' thigs= i don't know mostly everything- nor do you.
we're just soft hearted - screwed around - loving women. we cannot know it all- or most - or what is "supposed" to happen or us do-
MY GUT says "float along still - as long as can humanly stand it. maybe this is what she means by we'll know we gave it every single chance in universe if it all ends anyway- or you'll send message to your children that love is not to be tossed away quickly or "without a fight". I SWEAR I DON'TK NOW.
HEY - ALSO - this business of "handing over your life to someone else without a fight" - somehow it still resonates with me. i don't even know what the heck - but it does. i still find myself thinking WHY SHOULD I MAKE IT EASY ON HIM-
i think my H has no guts to end it completely- he fools himself into thinking like your h that it can be both ways. they do not know us - maybe it's good or bad. i don't think "knowing" will alter them or their actions. it's just an unfortunate truth that they will either wise up or kill whatever we feel for them. an end will come one way or the other way- so like dying- do we spend every day waiting to die?????? or just try and find something worthwhile in each day to keep us floating forward?
HEY - APOLOGIES DAWN ADN ANYONE - I KNOW some ofmy posts get soo long it's like the bottomless pit-
i think it helps me to think thru things sometimes- list them- remember those little things i've observed or decided (like not to decide anything giant while ocd about mlc)
that's all- besides - dawn echoing my thoughts and putting them to paper in such a surprisingly accurate fashion- always freaks me out- it's , sooooooo THE SAME
