This is the list I made today of things I need to work on. Feel free to comment...if nothing else, a good reminder to myself

• This is a BIG one – Failing to get involved with things outside the home for my OWN happiness. This encompasses so many things listed below.
I tend to get so wrapped up in making sure the house is ran well and being hard on myself about things getting done, that I don’t go enjoy things. And then I drag everyone with me thinking they need to be the same way. This also leads to me resenting anything H did outside the house because why didn’t he think he should be helping me?
Action: Find a balance and relax. Realize that we all need to do things for ourselves, just as much as we need to do things as a family. Don’t be so set on scheduling.
I have been doing fairly well with this. Of course, with H not at home, some of the pressures that I put on myself, like having dinner ready each night,etc have been alleviated. But I do let things go more and don’t feel like I must have everything done. And D and I do go do things with friends/family at the drop of a hat, without worrying about what I need to get done.
I’ve also gotten more into my hobby business, which is going well and making me extra money. Recently joined a small women’s bible study - which is good for both D and myself.

• Me always wanting more from H to try to make myself happy, which makes him feel inadequate and never good enough
Action: Quit thinking everything needs to be perfect and expecting so much. Getting involved in things for myself will also help this. And also words of praise and affirmation for things he DOES do.
This is tough when we are separated but I do thank him for things he does while he is at the house.

• Failure to use the proper Love Languages
This kind of goes along with the big one up above. I show people love by doing things – such as showing H love by making sure to make things he likes for dinner, making sure it was done each night, making sure laundry was done etc. It gets exhausting. And you know what – that isn’t his language, it is mine. He needs praise and affirmation, which I am not good at AT ALL!
Action: Practice by making sure to compliment others and paying more attention to what makes others happy. Compliment H when ever I have a chance.

• Failure to talk with him as a friend/partner Kind of an extension of the biggie above – when things aren’t getting done I tend to go into mother mode.
Action: relax about things getting done and let him take care of things his way. Speak with him respectfully and as a friend, not in a demeaning manner and always asking why didn’t you do this, or do it this way.

• Never fully trusting men or relationships – I have an ‘everyone leaves’ attitude
Action: At least I recognize the issue….but I do feel like he and I need to discuss boundaries for both of us (someday)

• Making my insecurities his problem
Action: Own up to my insecurities and talk to him about them (again, someday…)

• My Control issue
Trying to control all decisions – turn over more decisions to others, not worrying about the effects it may have on me or my schedule
Acting as if I was the only responsible person in our marriage – allow him to be the responsible one and make decisions (including finances)
Overplanning EVERYTHING – Part of this is just my nature, I plan. But sometimes I need to let him and others plan things out without complaining or trying to manipulate my own way. (I really did use to be a go with the flow, laid back person – and I still can be – sometimes)
I have let him schedule days with D a lot lately, even when I had suggested days. H has been more in charge of his finances the last few months, but I did have to give him a set amount (we have to somehow stick to some sort of budget) But I have not nagged about him buying things and just said whatever, and he has been good at letting me know when he is using the card

• Not fully listening – two ears, one mouth, there is a reason lol. This isn’t just with H but in all relationships. Listen and make eye contact, without distractions such as phone or TV. Listen without trying to think of response.
I feel I’ve gotten better at this, it is something that takes constant practice, for me anyway

• Interpreting his moods – I really just need to stop this now, when he was still home I should have just asked.

• Knowing when to talk about something and when to just let it go – something’s are better off just letting the cards fall as they will. Trusting that God will lead me to do this correctly. As much as H sometimes said I needed to keep my mouth shut, something’s must be discussed, particularly if it involves finances – when I am the one that does the finances.

If one thing is for certain, this entire situation has brought me to a much better place spiritually. I began praying more months before H actually moved out. God gives me strength each and every day. I realize that although I have always been a Christian, I never paid enough attention, or listened and watched for His guidance. Now I do.

Sorry this is soooo long, but that is what I need to start with. Things that I can work on myself to make myself a better person – hopefully that person he would be a fool to leave – but I do realize most needs to be done for me anyway.

I’m still contemplating a phone DB coach. Last night I started reading DR again, it does give hope.