Still Confused Beyond Belief...part 2

[tiggertiger]

Adinva, you are really an amazingly perceptive person and now that I have read about your experience too it is interesting how similar it was to mine. You should pursue a career in psychology if you don't already do this, you have a gift for this kind of thing.

Your words have made me think and admit things more than the therapy. Though I have a therapist now who is tough and good--and H is going to go to him too. This is wonderful news for me and for him as coparents and even better news for the boys.

I want to address some of the things you said. You are so smart.

Was being married more important than being in a connected relationship? Did you not know how to break through his conflict avoidance and get connection? Were you ok with stuffing your emotional needs BECAUSE they weren't being met? I was, absolutely, and I thought doing that was "saving my marriage." How did that become ok to you? Would it be ok again? How do you recognize conflict avoidance in the future? What do you do with it? All relationships have conflict. The ones that know how to navigate it survive.

If I am brutally honest with myself, I think that yes, maybe being married to a good solid man was more important than a strong emotional connection. After a few highly emotional relationships (think rollercoaster) I welcomed the respite of a peaceful person and relationship. I remember thinking--how wonderful that he has no family traditions--no yearly committments with family--that means all of the holidays are MINE!....not realizing it at the time that his lack of connection with his family would mean lack of connection with me. I guess I thought I was pretty special and would be treated differently than all of his ex-girlfriends, friends, family. And in the beginning it certainly seemed that way. I believe he was intoxicated with who I was all exciting and adventurous and went along for the ride willingly. I think over time I rationalized about me not getting my needs met by saying--he's a great guy, does anything I ask with a smile, he's so helpful, kind, so much nicer than other husbands--why am I complaining? I could do a lot worse--and who gets their prince charming anyway--that's only in fairy tales. But yes, I was selling myself short and damaging the relationship and myself by not asking for counseling years ago.

I am so sorry about your mom, so sad. My marriage also broke down while I had kids struggling in school and a cancer scare of my own (nothing after all) and cancer diagnosed in my mother. My H was completely unavailable in this, just a brick of non-emotion. If I were to mindread I think he did have some feelings and was completely unable to do anything with them so he shut down and distanced himself. You can't hurt if you don't have a wife crying because her mother has cancer and kids who need more help than you know how to give, if you walk away and be alone you won't have to hurt. That's just a hunch.

It seems like everytime I was not on top of my game--with newborns, with two little ones, with a dying mom---whenever I needed HELP--that is when I felt the neglect and lack of compassion most. The therapist said that I am an overfunctioner meaning that I tend to do more than my fair share of the work--and this enables dysfunction in the R. I can relate to that. I did sooo much. Then I gave up and invested my energies elsewhere, neglecting him. Now When I say neglect, it wasn't like I ignored him. I was still kind, interested in him, did special things for him, affectionate...it just wasn't buckets and buckets of attention. I really sold myself short on our sex life. I have a much higher sex drive than he has and have lived a sex-starved life for a long long time. Of course our infrequent sex life was MY fault, according to him.

Master of reframing! I did the exact same thing. I forgave my H again and again, for myself, and continued to enjoy my life and appreciate him for what he did do. I excused his neglect and insensitivity too. Why did you do that? Did it help? Did it fix what was broken? You cannot unilaterally fix a broken relationship. There's stuff there to explore (I'm still looking for your power to change, just not looking at world travel for you anymore. I think you can gain power in your situation by exploring how you came to be a person who would accept this and in this way assist in the breakdown...)

Yup we might very well be twins separated at birth! Yes yes yes. Guilty as charged. I know what to do, I just need to not drop my standards. I am totally worth it...but I let his treatment of me affect my self-esteem. That won't happen again. It's like losing weight. I bet everyone can rattle off how to do it--portion control, drink water, exercise...but actually putting it into practice is quite a different thing. I know what to do, just need to be consistent in putting it into practice.

Did the counseling give you anything to work on internally or was it about trying to get H back into a happy place?

Nope, the counseling was all about getting H back into a happy place. I sat there listening to the therapist saying--well TigWinkle has a very good point....what do you think H? And then it was like I was eavesdropping on an individual counseling session. H very resistant to change though very pro-counseling. In an individual session I asked the therapist how long would it take to get H in a place to have a successful relationship? T said years of therapy. He has multiple things going on. Really deeply serious things. It makes me very very sad. But then again maybe our M was the best thing for him if he finds the peace and happiness within him that he never had. I only wish that we could be TOGETHER when we're both new and improved. I love him. I don't want a divorce.

I do have very good legal counsel. Maybe too good (little did I know) H expressed to me today that his lawyer is concerned, she knows my lawyer well and I guess is worried? Not sure. H wants this divorce done yesterday. I am in no such rush. Remember he has a new R. There is pressure from the OW.

If you look like you're fine and moving on, he may be curious, he may start to wonder what he's giving up, especially if he sees that you are different, that things might be different. This takes A LOT of time to happen.

How long is A LOT of time? I need to be patient. It's been 3 weeks exactly since he left. I am in the thick of it still. I want the future to arrive yesterday.

I think your GAL is practically built in already, but it also might have been part of what was wrong with the marriage. Of course if you were neglected you needed to get a life outside of the relationship. What would be different if you reconciled? What would be different if you have a future relationship with someone else?

Absolutely. My GAL is in part a reaction to my unhappiness in the marriage. What would be different is that my boys are older now and able to be left with a sitter (the little one had severe separation anxiety--he is fine now) and I would happily give up any of my outside activities for more intimacy. My friendships are so important, but if I had a willing partner, I would make him a priority.

Seriously adinva, your words have helped me so very much. Thank you. I will be thinking about this a lot. I have therapy tomorrow and it will help me crystallize my thoughts.

I am sad about H. I hope he gets the help he needs, and finds happiness. I would never do anything to hurt him, not even now. My friend, the OW, has also betrayed me, and as much as my friends say they would seek revenge on my behalf, I would never act upon it. Would be easier if I didn't have to see this going on LITERALLY outside of my front window. Our windows line up. Our driveways line up. It is very painful. I need to detach from HER. We talked on the phone EVERY day. We got together 2-3 times a week. We were friends. Our sons were friends. And now this. It is a lot of betrayal to process for me...Her betrayal...H's betrayal...all while taking care of my broken-hearted sons and broken-hearted me. sorry for the pity party but I am doing the BEST I can.