25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

KG~~~

thank YOU. (And right back at ya!)

As you said, and we all sort of knew, piecing and restoring a marriage does not end all of the problems you have. Life still throws us curve balls, and that's the stuff that is NOT even of our making...let alone our mistakes in the future.

What I learned recently, is that my kids did NOT accompany me on the DB journey the way I assumed. Parts of it, yes.

But they were not at Retrovaille, they did not witness my h's breakthrough, they didn't hear our talks, or our phone conversations in which h said he wanted another chance to be "the h I deserved." RetroV, and those conversations were a huge part of why I felt comfortable reconciling. But the kids were not there!

My kids have their own r's with him. Some of their times and memories are pretty good. H coached son's wrestling team early in life, and he was a very involved father when he was home. Never afraid to get on the floor and play dolls with our oldest d, for instance. And never refuses to shoot hoops with our d2 (the 15 y/o) if and when she asks...which isn't often enough, but oh well.

But since the marital challenge we faced, they've had their own pain and rejection to deal with. I reassured them at the time, of his love. I excused his absence, to their faces, by saying he was "confused/mid life crisis/a workaholic looking to change pace/ETC".

I regret that all this time I was focussed only on making ME the best ME I can be, and on making MY marriage work, keeping OUR family intact. And thinking that was best for ALL...it kind of leaves them out as individuals.

The other thing I realized lately, is that when I did the "Essential Experience" workshop, I was almost 30. Then I began doing "team" and did it again in my 30s, again in my early 40s and again last week, as a 50 something y/o. In each decade, I wrote that I was "in transition" in some major part of my life.

I now see, we are almost always in transition. From one stage to another, one new challenge or joy, (or both) in life. There is never an "arrival destination".

So the journey HAS to be a good one; it's really all that life is made up of...a journey somewhere. With "scenic moments" or "bad crashes" along the way.

Along the way, if we are lucky & loving, we share our journeys with others.

They share their lives w/us, we touch lives, or we are touched. We learn to love more, give more, think more, laugh more, learn to "BE" in the present more.

If we do this^^, and recommit to it often enough so we aren't complacent, we can learn to Stop thinking about how NOT to enjoy our "Scenic moments" as much.

We'll notice more chances for fuller participation in life, like when a partner asks to ML,

we will STOP ourselves from immediately considering all the other things that might need doing, BEFORE we can enjoy our partner...

"What's that you asked? Do I want to Make love? You mean...NOW?

("No, I mean next Tuesday").

Well, gee, let me think. Have I finished the dishes/laundry?? Am I REALLY in the mood???"

So yes, we make things better but we keep on having to do that. Like I said, there's no arrival destination. So we better enjoy the trip along the way.

So I'm now learning that my kids are not at peace with h. They don't hate him, thank God. And he is trying to re-connect. I can see that.

To an extent, I might have to be okay with the fact that I'm closer to my kids than h is. I mean, that's not really a bad thing. Heck, it would bother me more if he were closer to them...So there you go.

To me, YOU, KG, Adinva, Kaffe Diem, Valeska & Crimson are among the most inspirational stories here. Notice, not one of you is reconciled with your spouses, (yet).


Of those who have reconciled, such as Denver, Sandi, Mach 1, BreakingAway, faithfulHusband, well, they all did the same as you did above.

You made the journey an inward one, so that the outward one could be authentic.

Sometimes, your spouse makes the choice to rejoin you in the "joint yet individual" journey we all must make, and that's a beautiful thing.

(YES I know there are many others. I lack the time to list them all. You know who you are, don't you?)

Anyhow, the point is KG, YOU more than most, you keep going. You keep trying. You never surrender to self pity or anger. You don't spend time assigning blame to anyone but yourself, while admitting it was not all you (and seeing how you were put in an insane Superwoman role, with which I'm sadly familiar).

You have your bad days, as we all do, but there is never wallowing. There is always you looking for the thing to do that makes it better.

Perhaps You ought to change your screen name to "Keep Growing", b/c that's what you Keep doing.

((( )))