It's good to be here

[Mileus]

Today was brutal. I was with kids working on a major class project today,(I teach), but they are very good kids and didn't need much help. I spent most of the day trapped in an auditorium with my own thoughts. It was very hard not to text my STBX that I missed her. But I didn't.

Even now, the thought is in my head but I know it is a bad idea, so I typed this instead. I also wrote her a letter about how stupid I think her decision is. Once the initial rush wears off she'll still be just a depressed as ever. Then she will have lost her family only to be unhappy somewhere else. I've been throwing them away. Just trying to get the thoughts out.

In the meantime, I called a lawyer to get the situation with my son settled. She wants to marry this new guy, mainly for the insurance I think. She loves him, but I think she has doubts about her decision. I get the feeling from our talk a couple days ago that she isn't really 100% sure she wants to leave me. Still I am trying not to mind read.

I think she felt forced to leave because I told her I wouldn't share her. She wanted to do 5 days at home and 2 with him. I said it was all or nothing. I just didn't have the strength to do otherwise even though it meant a better chance at winning her back. And, I didn't think she would walk out on her kids. (Especially without telling them.) Oh well, spilt milk. I think this will be best for me and my self respect in the long run.

Anyway, my son is autistic and hers from her 1st marriage. I have been raising him since he was 2 (16 now) and am closer to him than anyone. I'm worried that she'll get married and something awful will happen and I would lose custody of him to a stranger because they were married. I have power of attorney for him (for school) but no real legal standing. It's terrifying. The other 2 are over 18 and aren't going anywhere. Funny how a month ago I was looking forward to getting kids out of the house.

This helped. I don't feel like texting anymore. I imagine that it will take months for her to realize she might have made a mistake. She will be married by then. Any hope, or is it over? I'm trying to just move on with my life like it's over but inside I'm dying.