Advina...VERY VERY VERY helpful thank you so much for the time and thought and compassion. I have a lot to think about and I do want to respond. Right now I have two little ninjas jumping on the furniture and dinner to start. I will respond later in detail...
but just from the top of my head...
I agree I did not handle the neglect in my marriage well. I am learning from couples therapy that H most likely has an attachment disorder which has prevented him his whole life from being emotionally available to anyone--beginning with his parents and now including everyone even his children. I blame myself for ignoring this/not realizing this early on, for adapting myself to this less-than-perfect marriage and not seeking counseling sooner. I had every right to feel neglected and disappointed. H even said that he realizes that he is probably to blame for the emotional emptiness of our marriage. I told him that I was to blame too, for as much as he neglected me, I ended up neglecting him right back. I was not a good friend to him, and I pride myself on being a good friend. That part makes me sad. I tried desperately to have a connected relationship with him for YEARS--not just by complaining and nagging. I was thoughtful, sweet, did lovely things for him, bought him thoughtful gifts, gave him affirmation (just think of the 5 Love Languages and me doing ALL of the languages)....and with nothing in return, I asked for what I needed...and he tried...but never really followed through. I am sure that he was miserable when I stopped acting loving towards him on one level...but I also believed that he was relieved. Strong emotions of ANY kind make him very uncomfortable...and any time we would get close, it would be followed by him pulling away. In fact, the psychoanalyst remarked that it was no coincidence that we had the most amazing sex ever on a Saturday and he filed for divorce on the following Tuesday. It was too much intimacy for H to handle.
Although I will take a lot of responsibility for the failure of our marriage, I will not take any for his affair. I definitely feel like the victim of the affair. I don't believe there is EVER a valid reason to have an affair. It is a willful decision that causes a lot of pain to a lot of people, and he chose to do that. I don't think he thought it through--don't think he meant to cause pain...but he did. Just like I will not take responsibility for the lies he chose to tell me, I will not take responsibility for his decision to have an affair, to move in across the street, or the general way HE ended the marriage. This was not my choice. If he wanted to end the marriage there were many other ways to do it that would not have been so hurtful.
I am so long-winded! will be back. I am grateful so very grateful for your insight.
Tallula I like everything you said. I will try to follow your example and work on me. I have been working on me for a while, as I told H--I have changed and have been changing inside and out, and I am only halfway there...and with you or without you, I will be a different person this time next year.
By the way...I said this to H when I had lost almost 40 pounds and he hadn't noticed. I said--when are you going to mention how much weight I have lost? And he said--huh? you have? Oh you are right-- I didn't notice. Well done! I've lost more since then and have a little more to go. Will get there soon. I really did feel invisible in my M. That is something I will not accept from here on out.
Oprah always said the measure of a successful relationship is not whether or not you stay together but on how much you learned. I'm guessing this M will be my most successful R to date then. And I am only halfway there.
