25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

I think it's telling that your H wants to discuss the kids between you two instead of taking his issue to them directly, and that your kids rebuff you with "he won't listen."

Some of what h & I discuss are financial matters re how long we'll have adult children living with us, and rules of the house with girlfriends/boyfriends, and I am fine getting together privately to plan and agree first, before we present to the kids our conditions.

I don't believe h is being avoidant about talking with the kids. I believe he sorely wants back into their lives. He just does not know how to do it.

But I need to know why the kids think he won't listen to them.


In your shoes, at some point, I would call a family meeting over a plate of brownies or chips and salsa and tell them for exactly 30 minutes we're going to declare a safe zone and get some stuff out.

Agreed, and I agree time limits are crucial. You can always agree to extend by 15 min, or table a matter "til the next meeting" and give them a definite date/time for it.

My worry is the youngest will give out a SIGH...but I think the older ones will go for it and she's close to them. She'll listen to what THEY say, I suspect.

And then prompt them. "I heard so and so say dad won't listen so they don't want to share how they feel with them. H, do you want to listen and how do you think you might show them you want to? Think, body language, not arguing or getting defensive, really hearing where they are and how they feel without getting mad about it." "Kids, are you willing to say what you're feeling without using hurtful or mean words?" "What does love look like to you, what are you expecting and not getting?"

"What does work obligation mean to you dad, how do you feel about getting pulled between duty and family? and how do you think family should behave to ease this for you?" "Kids, how do you think you should be easing this challenge for dad?" I don't know, maybe with you facilitating they could do this.


I can and have used a lot of this^^ before in other exercises w/people, but I need to do so with our family. I especially like the highlighted parts and think I'll use them.

It's possible we'll do this FIRST with our mc-family therapist b/c my h liked him, as do I, and the kids will too.

Turns out the MC we had (the therapist I'm referring to) is semi famous for national talks on marriage and family.

He's athletic, a "man's man" and he's a great speaker. So I think the kids will take to him. I know I did. If he facilitates the first 1-2 meetings, that will be good for us to model with.

Separately, I'm sending one of the older children to that workshop I mention often. (And h will go back to it himself for his own work. I suspect that is where he'll deal with some of the issues the deployment raised b/c he'll feel safe there.)


I did facilitate a conversation with my kids and their dad. One was upstairs yelling and slamming doors and we sat down together and I tried to translate to help them make progress.

Did the slamming doors help? They sure do NOT help in our home...


Saying "I hear you, son, saying xyz, is that what you were trying to say?" "I hear your dad getting frustrated and raising his voice, can you hear the message he's saying instead of just objecting to the way he's saying it?"

Adinva, almost None of us can do this^^^, imo. IF h raises his voice with ME, I tune him out. Same goes for our kids. They tune US out at the slightest increase in volume or tone.

H knows this and tries not to raise his voice with me at all (or darn rarely) and less with the kids than before. STILL, w/his recent sensitivity, there are times we have to speak as if we are sedated b/c people can get or feel so defensive.


It was kind of like our therapy session except without the therapist. she had actually suggested we do it on a regular basis but it was a little too new-agey for my family dynamic and we've kind of kept it as an as-needed tool.

Also, I believe a big factor in the problems that are happening is the unspeakable trauma your H has been through. That can't be ignored and glossed over.

I hear you. H came back at Christmas and just last WEEK, we got the "family debriefing" letter. (Um, thanks for that family preparation...NOW...)

Like most soldiers, even the medical personnel, h had to stay at a transitional place for 4 days before coming all the way home, presumably to discuss/decompress.

My oldest brother just returned from his time in Afghanistan and has a permanently screwed up leg, both ugly & painful! He likes to say "what about my dancing career?"

My brother uses humor to diffuse a lot but he's been affected to an addictive amount. I think he'd go back if they'd let him. And HE drinks too much. Period.

Together they may help each other. Too bad we live 3000 miles away...
But I digress.


The unspeakable .....things... he witnessed or heard/felt or treated over there, MIGHT be addressable with the V.A., but it's not what I'd term PTSD.

(NOR would h ever call it that, partly for professional reasons and partly b/c I think he'd label his present emotional state as an adjustment challenge that he'll meet. Plus, his frame of reference for what is true PTSD, is a lot more gritty than most civilians.)

I will say he felt good about the pain relief he provided the little girl, which amazed her family. He did a great nerve block so that she could be conscious w/her family, but without pain in her feet. (Temporary for now, but could be made permanent with a spinal cord implant).

Many amputations will later present with phantom limb pain, which is complicated to treat. I have to give the military medical corps credit for their focus on that,

b/c so many soldiers are coming back missing limbs. They used to just die from infection, And IEDs are used more now. Phantom limb pain is very strange and hard to treat. But its H's specialty.

H functions fine at work and isn't "crazy" at home. He doesn't drink a lot, but he does drink a tad more than before. I think that's b/c he CAN drink alcohol now, and he could not do so over there, or eat pork, etc. I don't believe I'm in denial about a drinking problem w/h, b/c we both had alcoholic dads and are fairly paranoid about it. Time will tell. And YES I'd point it out to him in a heartbeat if need be.

We both served In the Gulf War when we were active duty. I met a woman in a burka, who had an "immigration issue" & came to my office for help, w/an interpreter. When I asked her to sign a document so I could seek asylum for her, her interpreter showed me the stumps of her hands b/c Saddam Hussein's son, Uday, had cut her hands off for something her husband had done.

She could only make an "X" for a signature, which had to be witnessed and attested to... They don't teach you much about that stuff in law school...it affected me a lot. Not PTSD, but a pivotal experience for sure.

So I feel that I "get it" about the crap there, more than most spouses might, as far as how h feels. However, I've had years and years to process that memory, among others. H hasn't.Plus he has trouble pretending the Taliban is a force to negotiate with now...but I don't want to get political.

It's just a feeling of futility/hypocrisy that seems to enrage him more, but only WHEN he speaks of it. Which isn't every day.

The kids were too small or non existent back then, to know we served before. NOW is all they know or see.

Understand, I will not let things slide on this. There is no inertia or complacency in ME. I Can't speak for everyone else. But my gut says I just need to find or create a safe place to explore all this.


Thanks for listening. Seriously.