I think alot of us on here should have a smartphone smashing party. W is always on hers. It never leaves her side.
My W had her EA on her smart phone... I will join in the smashing party! We can start a bonfire and dance around it like wild Indians!
:raises hand: Oh, OH!! Me Too!!!!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Yeah, I hear you on this bonfire idea. I can't tell you how much I want to destroy that thing. And if it's not that, then it's the laptop or something else. Non-stop.
And thanks for the comments on kids. The kids are what really complicate the dynamic for me. I don't think W understands that they're getting minds of their own and are going to be figuring things out, like about the OM. My parents divorced when I was very young and I never really forgave my mother for initiating it in like 30 years. But W is in la la land and thinks the kids would adjust great to it, love the OM, and all will benefit from it. There's zero recognition of any loss or sadness involved. That's part of what's so maddening about this to me. It's like I don't have a rational counterpart to negotiate with.
My W and I are both from divorced homes. My parents divorce was very ugly. I was way too young to remember anything but I do remember the hatered that was still present as I aged. On the other hand my W parents divorce went really well. Her parents stayed in close contact, both remarried and both attended family events together all along. This is wife's view of divorce. She feels that she came through it fine so everything will be fine for our kids. She has an older sister that I feel was really affected by the divorce. I have an older brother who was definitely affected by my parents divorce. It has stayed with each of them for over 30 years. Maybe because of my personal experience I think D definitely affects children whether you want to admit it or not. You can do all of the "right things" but the kids still miss out. This is so frustrating to me that W thinks everything will come up roses.
As far as the phone goes.... I started out thinking that she was in an A. I did snoop but found nothing exciting. I then thought there was no way she was having an A. No time, no evidence etc. Now, I truly don't know. She is on the phone all of the time. I do know she texts with her friends alot. I also know alot is about us. This also really gets to me knowing that her friends know more about our issues and her feelings than I do. It has been forever since I have snooped. That is good and bad for me. It definitely reads to mind reading for me which is awful. But if it does turn out that there is/was an A, I can't say that I wouldn't be surprised given the events of the past 6 months. (Prior to the past 6 months though I would say that I would be beyond surprised if my W was having an A)
I have posed the question to myself: Do you trust your wife? The answer to this is huge for a marriage. Prior to 6 months ago I most definitely would have said yes. Today, I am not sure. I don't think it comes from the phone issues however. It is more from being so deeply hurt by my W. If that is added to the phone issues, talking with others about us and generally not sharing her everyday life with me it all adds up to a feeling of distrust for me. If by some miracle we are able to move on from this, that is something that I am really going to need to work on and get over. It is going to be hard but I also feel that it will be worth the work.
My emotions have been all over the place today. Sad, angry, crying, hopeless all for no specific reason. What a long haul this is with no real confirmation/affirmation that what I am doing is the right thing. Oh well, press on Grizz, press on.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My wife has 3 aunts, her mother, and step mother all divorced. She views divorce as just something people do to solve problems. It is no big deal. She claims (not sure if she really believes it) that the kids will be better off if we get D.
That family history really affects a persons view of marriage, love and commitment.
This is the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. If you pull back as it sounds like you have, then her reaction will be to pursue you (wants to eat together, sleeps in your bed). What you should do is not react. This is the "castle analogy" written by Tumbling that helps explain what is going on and how you should react:
That castle analogy was a really good way for me to visualize this and it hit home. Thanks!
I was driving home from work this evening and another one popped in my head. The WAS sometimes is like the driver of a car stuck behind another car going slow on the highway. WAS feels like they are stuck FOREVER behind someone holding them back, and FINALLY when the opportunity arises and the WAS can pass, they don't typically just casually drive on by, but actually speed up faster than the desired rate they want to travel in order to:
1) show the person they were stuck behind they aren't happy with the situation 2) frustratingly feel like they are making up for lost time.
For obvious reasons that jumped in my head, but it also helped me try and understand/cope with what to expect soon. I just have to trust that WAS will eventually slow back down to normal speed, and even if not I just have to let her go. She's driving her own car, not mine.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
RockJC and Jayhawk1970, how is the 50/50 sharing of custody during the separation working out for everyone? I'm very curious because that's what W is proposing we'd do if we split. I have to think it would be hard on the kids to essentially have two houses without a single place to really call home, but at the same time I'll be relieved to avoid a custody battle (that I'd probably lose) and I'll appreciate continuing to be such a prominent part of their lives.
Grizz, I really feel for you. Having to confront the question "do you trust your wife," especially in this context is profoundly disillusioning. These are the times that really test a person, and your W is not making it any easier on you with the back and forth that she's exhibiting. You really have to do everything possible to detach. It's really the only way to preserve your sanity. For me that's been difficult since my excessive and increasing detachment over the years was part of the problem that brought the M to where it is, so for me the 180 was being less detached. But I'm recognizing now that it's about "loving detachment" - essentially giving her space to work things out with her still recognizing that you love her, then taking advantage of that space yourself to work on you and get back in touch with the things that you've always liked to do for yourself. Much easier said than done of course, and you might want to consider IC if you haven't already. That could be a good outlet to manage the resentment and hurt without bringing it to W in ways that would be counter-productive in the current state of things.
I have to say, it's kind of funny to hear myself giving advice on this stuff in my current situation. It's a bit like the blind leading the blind. But this is a process, and I have to say that the 180 approach has helped me feel better about myself, even while everything else is going to hell. You're fighting the good fight.
how is the 50/50 sharing of custody during the separation working out for everyone? I'm very curious because that's what W is proposing we'd do if we split. I have to think it would be hard on the kids to essentially have two houses without a single place to really call home, but at the same time I'll be relieved to avoid a custody battle (that I'd probably lose) and I'll appreciate continuing to be such a prominent part of their lives.
Hopefully Grizz doesn't mind going a bit off topic, but W and I have been doing a 50/50 split for the 5+ months we've been separated. It's a reasonable compromise IMO. Sure I'd rather us all be under one roof, but barring that, it's been working well enough. We decided on a weekly split so that it would make it easier for us to coordinate weekly homework needs and also so the kids wouldn't feel like they were in constant flux. My brother and his ex do a 2/3/2 day split and the kids are constantly on the move because of it. It's also difficult for them to coordinate taking the kids on vacation, and coordinating homework/ projects that cross over. So I think the weekly split works better. It would be tough if I didn't get to see the kids for an entire week, but in my case the kids come to my house after school even on W's weeks, so I see them almost every day regardless.
My W has always been a superior mom and still is, so from the beginning I made no effort to try and get a larger percentage of custody. W actually expected me to and was very surprised and relieved when I suggested a 50/50 split. We sat down and worked out all the details very amicably before she moved out. I think that helped take a lot of the pressure off the situation early on.
My W is - I am not. Both her brother (three times) and sister (1 time) have divorced their spouses.
Originally Posted By: Grizz
As far as the phone goes.... I started out thinking that she was in an A. I did snoop but found nothing exciting. I then thought there was no way she was having an A. No time, no evidence etc. Now, I truly don't know. She is on the phone all of the time. I do know she texts with her friends alot. I also know alot is about us. This also really gets to me knowing that her friends know more about our issues and her feelings than I do. It has been forever since I have snooped. That is good and bad for me. It definitely reads to mind reading for me which is awful. But if it does turn out that there is/was an A, I can't say that I wouldn't be surprised given the events of the past 6 months. (Prior to the past 6 months though I would say that I would be beyond surprised if my W was having an A)
This definitely brings back memories... bad ones. I snooped as well. While I didn't find real proof, I found enough to make me not trust the situation as she was trying to tell me it was.
W used to respond as describe in earlier posts. She still has a screen lock on her iPhone. She claims that she has conversations with her friends about their personal lives that nobody else needs to know about - yet also claims she deletes text messages as she gets them now. Either way, my response is always the same - I don't respond to that at all. I just figure that if I don't dignify the comment with a response, she'll eventually figure out that while I may have a problem with the the appearance of keeping secrets, I no longer care about what's on her phone and maybe she'll drop the issue altogether. (I know that sounds contradictory...)
Originally Posted By: Grizz
I have posed the question to myself: Do you trust your wife? The answer to this is huge for a marriage. Prior to 6 months ago I most definitely would have said yes. Today, I am not sure. I don't think it comes from the phone issues however. It is more from being so deeply hurt by my W. If that is added to the phone issues, talking with others about us and generally not sharing her everyday life with me it all adds up to a feeling of distrust for me. If by some miracle we are able to move on from this, that is something that I am really going to need to work on and get over. It is going to be hard but I also feel that it will be worth the work.
I hear you. Rebuilding the trust is difficult. I've been working on that for 9 months - well I guess both of us have since she said her trust was violated by me looking at her phone. I don't know if it's recoverable. But, I really do have an issue with the transparency thing...
Originally Posted By: Grizz
My emotions have been all over the place today. Sad, angry, crying, hopeless all for no specific reason. What a long haul this is with no real confirmation/affirmation that what I am doing is the right thing. Oh well, press on Grizz, press on.
My W had her EA on her smart phone... I will join in the smashing party! We can start a bonfire and dance around it like wild Indians!
Ditto, and she wasn't even careful about it. I guess she didn't care enough about what I thought to hide anything. I regret not canceling her service the day I found out, I transfer the billing responsibility to her about a month later when I separated our finances. If you have that party, I'll happily throw mine in as well
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
